Your Legitimate Rights
January 31, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Daily Habits
This is basic, but important. You have legitimate rights just because you exist. So many obstacles to change begin right here. For example, your relative says that you're being selfish by focusing on changing yourself. It takes time. You're learning about the change process, so perhaps you're not serving others as much as you used to a week ago. And that's OK. It's time to claim your power and value yourself more. You have rights!
When I worked inpatient at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in Utah, we had the patients decide where they were from the following two lists. This is taken from The Stress & Relaxation Workbook by Martha Davis PhD et al, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA. Circle the beliefs that you have by how you behave.
Mistaken Traditional Assumptions
You did not have as much choice about which traditional assumptions you were taught as a child. Now, however, you have the option of deciding whether to continue behaving according to assumptions that keep you from being an assertive adult. Each of these mistaken assumptions violates one of your legitimate rights as an adult:
- It is selfish to put your needs before others' needs.
- It is shameful to make mistakes. You should have an appropriate response for every occasion.
- If you can't convince others that your feelings are reasonable, then they must be wrong, or maybe you are going crazy.
- You should respect the views of others, especially if they are in a position of authority. Keep your differences of opinion to yourself. Listen and learn
- You should always try to be logical and consistent.
- You should be flexible and adjust. Others have good reasons for their actions and it's not polite to question them.
- You should never interrupt people. Asking questions reveals your stupidity to others.
- Don't rock the boat.
- You shouldn't take up others' valuable time with your problems.
- People don't want to hear that you feel bad, so keep it to yourself.
- When someone takes the time to give you advice, you should take it very seriously. They are often right.
- Knowing that you did something well is its own reward. People don't like show-offs. Successful people are secretly disliked and envied. Be modest when complimented.
- You should always try to accommodate others. If you don't, they won't be there when you need them.
- Don't be anti-social. People are going to think you don't like them if you say you'd rather be alone instead of with them.
- You should always have a good reason for what you feel and do.
- When someone is in trouble, you should help them.
- You should be sensitive to the needs and wishes of others, even when they are unable to tell you what they want.
- It's not nice to put people off. If questioned, give an answer
Your Legitimate Rights
- You have the right to put yourself first sometimes.
- You have the right to make mistakes.
- You have the right to be the final judge of your feelings and accept them as legitimate.
- You have the right to have your own opinions and convictions.
- You have the right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action.
- You have a right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
- You have a right to interrupt in order to ask for clarification.
- You have a right to negotiate for change.
- You have a right to ask for help or emotional support.
- You have a right to feel and express pain.
- You have a right to ignore the advice of others.
- You have a right to receive formal recognition for your work and achievements.
- You have a right to say "no."
- You have a right to be alone, even if others would prefer your company.
- You have a right not to have to justify yourself to others.
- You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else's problem.
- You have a right not to have to anticipate others' needs and wishes.
- You have a right not to always worry about the goodwill of others.
- You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.
If you're like most people, your behavior reflects some mistaken traditional assumptions. The more that you can start living your legitimate rights, the more likely it is that you will allow yourself to make important changes in your life that will affect every other area of your life. You will value yourself more and become a better person in the process.
Being of Service
January 25, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Spiritual Growth
Being of service is good for the soul. A client of mine lost her daughter in a car accident. She decided that no parent should have to go through such a sorrow. So, she volunteers her spare time teaching teens how to be careful drivers. "I don't have to focus on my loss. When I'm helping others, I'm helping myself," she said to me. Another client lost her sister to breast cancer. She donates money, time, and energy to breast cancer awareness.
And medical scientists are beginning to discover the same thing that my clients already know--in helping others they are also helping themselves. The field of PNI (psychoneuroimmunology) researches the power of the mind to influence health and healing. Did you know that just watching a movie about kindness and being of service can strengthen your immune response? Startling! The now-famous study from Harvard measured antibodies in students before and after watching movies of Mother Teresa at work helping the homeless in India. The antibody that was measured, IgA, helps the body to defend against infection.
My mother contributed to many charities, helped families in her neighborhood, and made over 200 quilts in the last decade of her life. It became her passion to send these beautiful quilts to poor families all over the world. She was never happier than when she was sewing quilts for others.
Try it! There are dozens of opportunities to be of service all over your area. What calls to you? Do you have a skill, a passion, knowledge that you would like to share with others? Find a use for it. Be of service and watch how your life changes for the better.
There's a reason that the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous includes making amends and carrying the message to others (being of service) as an essential step in recovery. It keeps the alcoholic clean and sober. It also raises his self esteem. Instead of the self-serving behaviors of his past, he (or she) is now willing to give to others.
"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no 'brief candle' to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it over to future generations." - George Bernard Shaw
The One-Minute Gratitude Exercise
January 25, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Spiritual Growth
Do you want to be happier? Experience less stress? Abolish depression? Here's a one-minute practice that will change your life. On your way to work (school, grocery store) think of three things that you're grateful for. It can be anything--your child's laughter, clean socks, dinner with a friend or anything that makes you feel happy or content. Think about it.
When you arrive at work, jot down these three things on a sticky note. Say them aloud to a friend, relative, co-worker, or spouse. This is important. If you have no one to talk to, say them aloud in your car before you leave your car.
Put the sticky note in a place where you'll see it periodically throughout the day. When you leave, put the note on your dashboard so that you'll see it all the way home. At that point you can either save it or toss it.
The next day pick three more things that you're grateful for and repeat the exercise. Watch how your heart opens up and your negativity vanishes. Magic!
Whose Hands are on Your Steering Wheel?
January 25, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Relationship Advice
Imagine yourself in the driver's seat of your car. You're all ready to go. Whose hands are on your steering wheel? Who is driving your life? So many people that I see say that everyone else's hands are all over the steering wheel--parents, spouse, boss, children, and so on. In fact, quite a few clients don't even see their own hands on their steering wheel!
If you would like to feel less victimized, you'll need to firmly and politely remove everyone else's hands from your steering wheel. Claim your power! Whose life is it anyway? They've got their own steering wheels! Can you imagine what it would be like to drive a car with four hands on your steering wheel? As you come to value yourself more and more, you'll find yourself politely by firmly removing other people's hands from the steering wheel of your life.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that you should be rude, aggressive, or selfish. And in a marriage, you learn to work cooperatively with each other in a balanced interdependence. Just be aware of your rights and your boundaries.
"Value yourself. The only people who appreciate a doormat are those with dirty shoes." --Leo Buscaglia
Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner.
Journal Your Progress
January 23, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Daily Habits, Goals
You cannot manage what you don’t measure. So keeping track through a journal or diary is essential. You can keep this simple or you can get fancy. I keep track on my computer. But when I’m on the road, I carry a little notebook in my purse. It's especially important to journal your progress if you're in the process of recovering from an addiction. Your journal will help you to see where you're doing well and what you need to avoid to do even better.
Here are the things that I write down every day:
*the date and my morning weight
*the amount of water I drank during the day
*What I ate, the amount I ate, and the time I ate
*What kind of exercise I did–strength training, aerobic, or stretching and how long I did it
*How long I meditated
You can also measure other things like your mood, your level of energy, your mental clarity, your motivation, or your stress level. I find it easiest to use a simple one to ten scale with ten being the best and one being the worst. I also like to give myself a little smiley face if I did well that day. Positive reinforcement can be just that simple.
There are a number of free online journal sites. I like several formats at Bella Online.
At first I found it a bother to journal. Now it takes less than 5 minutes a day and it keeps me on track. I highly recommend it!
What Do You Want?
January 23, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Daily Habits, Goals
What do you really, really want? You're probably very aware of what you DON'T want. But what DO you want? Planning is essential for success. But, before you can plan, you need to identify what you want. What you want may fall into one or more of these general areas:
a. Better relationships
b. Spiritual growth
c. Knowledge and mental clarity
d. Financial success
e. Health and fitness
f. Happiness
Score yourself from 1 - 10 in each of these six areas. A low score means that you're not doing well in this area. A high score is where you feel a lot of confidence and success. Write down the scores.
I want you to choose one goal in one category. In which category did you score the lowest? No doubt you have some problems in that area. If you didn't have problems in that area, what would your life be like? Stop and think about that question. Use your imagination to picture happiness for yourself in that area.
If happiness itself is your goal, then imagine yourself smiling, laughing, jumping for joy, dancing, singing, or skipping. Imagine yourself pumping your fists in the air over your head, tears of joy streaming down your face. That's happy. And that's how specific I want you to see yourself.
What I'm trying to do here is to help you to focus on success. It's so easy to get discouraged or to blame circumstances or other people, but that just won't help you to get to where you want to be. And, you can't change other people. So, take the time to decide which category you want to work on first. Here are some questions to ponder:
What would you dare to dream if you knew you absolutely couldn't fail?
What would you do you if you could wave a magic wand and have exactly what you want.
What will the eventual outcome be?
Imagine the possibilities that you could achieve if you dared to dream!
What would that look like? Jot it down. Flesh it out with details.
Rather than writing something vague like, "I want to be healthy," you will get better results by being specific. This is one client's goal: "I want to bring my cholesterol level down 20 points and my glucose level down to below 100. I can see my kids smiling at me because I can go hiking with them and they're proud of me." See what I mean? Write it down in a paragraph.
We're laying the groundwork for changing your inner world. And here's the exciting news: your outer world can't help but conform to your inner world! So changing your inner world will be an awesome journey. Promise!
Assert Yourself
January 23, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Relationship Advice
Assertiveness is the practice of openly and honestly expressing your feelings, learning about your rights as a human being, firmly and kindly protecting those rights (without feeling guilty) and becoming more aware of who you are. Assertiveness is NOT aggressiveness. Nor is it bluntness. Assertiveness training can help the angry, aggressive person just as much as it can help the meek, passive person.
Almost any therapist can help you to become more assertive. Although you can read a book about it or read about it on the internet, it's very difficult to apply unless you have a "mirror"--another caring and emotionally healthy human being who can accurately communicate to you how they see you. If you choose to use a friend or family member, be aware that the person you have chosen may have a hidden agenda--it may serve them to have you behave in certain ways that benefit their lives.
Assertiveness is for everyone. But, it's particularly powerful for those people who suffer from "learned helplessness." For example, many people have adopted the "victim stance" their parent(s) modeled for them when they were kids. Learned helplessness is characterized by passivity, powerlessness, and strong dependency needs. Some people call this the "doormat syndrome."
The benefits of becoming more assertive tremendous:
- less stress
- improved communication
- better relationships
- more self confidence
- greater self-awareness
- better decision-making skills
Using these assertiveness tips is a terrific way to take good care of yourself while respecting the rights of others as well.
Meditation for Stress Reduction
January 23, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Spiritual Growth
What do you think of when meditation is mentioned? Buddhist monks sitting in monasteries on mountaintops? That’s what I pictured. Did you know that more than 1,000 scientific articles have been published on the subject of meditation? Impressive research tells us that meditation induces a sense of well-being and emotional balance. It helps to reduce the body’s reaction to stress. And let’s face it. Stress is a killer.
Researchers at the Maharishi School of Management in Fairfield, Iowa, found that meditation has an enormous impact on stress reduction. When they examined a group who had meditated for four months they saw that they produced less of the stress hormone cortisol. They were therefore better able to adapt to stress in their lives, no matter what their circumstances were.
So, just what is meditation? I would say that it is focused attention on reality. It's connecting with all that is and being in the present moment. It's deep relaxation however you want to do it--whether you're walking, running, cycling, sitting in a yoga class, lying on your bed or being mindful of the present moment as you do the dishes. I find breathwork the easiest process to enter this focused attention.
Psychological Benefits
- Increased feelings of vitality and rejuvenation
- Increased happiness
- Increased emotional stability
- Decreased anxiety
- Decreased depression
- Greater creativity
- Decreased irritability and moodiness
- Improved learning ability and memory
- Increased insight and wisdom
Physiological benefits
- Deep rest (as measured by decreased metabolic rate, and lower heart rate)
- Lowered levels of cortisol and lactate (two chemicals associated with stress)
- Improved blood pressure
- Drop in cholesterol levels
- Improved flow of air to the lungs
- Significant slowing of the aging process
Give meditation a try. You'll find that you will value yourself more and come back to it again and again.
The Stages of Change
January 23, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Daily Habits, Parents of Substance Abusers
Did you know that people change in stages? This applies to most every type of change. Whether you are trying to improve yourself via New Year's Resolutions, give up a bad habit, or lessen the grip that addictions hold on your life. Understanding these stages will help you to ease up a bit on yourself, be less hard on yourself.
James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente developed a "Stages of Change Model" in the late 1970s and early 1980s when they were studying how smokers gave up their habits. These stages can be useful for anyone who is trying to make changes in their lives. By breaking a change down into stages, taking baby steps, it's much easier to accomplish permanent change.
Briefly, these stages are:
1. Precontemplation--At this stage the person is not yet acknowledging that a problem exists.
2. Contemplation--The person is aware that there is a problem, but is not ready or sure that they want to make changes.
3. Preparation/Determination--The person gets ready to make changes.
4. Action/Willpower--Actual changes are made in this stage.
5. Maintenance--The person maintains the changes.
6. Relapse--The person returns to old behaviors and abandons the changes. Relapse is fairly common if you're working to overcome an addiction.
You can use this model for your benefit by assessing which stage you are in. And give yourself some credit! Many people become very hard on themselves when they are not able to sustain new behaviors for long periods of time. But, consider this: the average person fails five times before making changes with New Year's resolutions!
Please remember that wherever you are, that's OK. And don't expect yourself to progress neatly from one stage to the next. Most people jump all over the place. So, it's not unusual to see a person go from contemplation to action to preparation to relapse to precontemplation. And some people never relapse. But don't be hard on yourself if you do return to old behaviors. Getting down on yourself only makes it harder to try again later.
Forgive
January 23, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Spiritual Growth
To forgive is to let go. In Aramaic the word is 'shbag.' It means to cancel, to let go, to untie. This roughly translates to a tool for changing a reality in your mind. The meaning is much richer in Aramaic. If I take full responsibility for what is in my mind and heart, I then have the opportunity to clear my mind of resentments, hurts, grudges, and wrongs. It has been said that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. If I forgive, I have the opportunity to let go of disruptive thoughts and feelings. No easy task for most of us. But we can practice.
All of us have the opportunity to practice forgiveness every day of our lives. Forgive the driver who cut you off. Forgive yourself for making a mistake. Forgive your parents for all their mistakes. Let go of your resentments. It has been said that resentments are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Rather than resenting the slow cashier, just let it go. Do yourself a big favor. Just...let...go.
Underneath the anger and resentment you will find a belief that has caused you problems. That belief is usually, "Things should be (or should have been) different." Question that belief. Is that belief bringing you the serenity that you desire? I love the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
