Enabling Your Troubled Teen

What is enabling? How is it different from helping?

Helping is doing something for someone else that they can't do for themselves. Enabling is doing something for someone else that they can and should do for themselves. Enabling allows your teen to comfortably continue with his unacceptable behavior. Enabling can be intentional or unintentional. At any rate, the teen remains the same because there are no consequences for bad behavior. The enabler facilitates the continuation of unacceptable behavior.

Quiz for parents of teens:

1. Have you ever "called in sick" for your teen when they didn't feel like going to school?
2. Have you accepted part of the blame or excused his/her drinking/drugging or bad behavior?
3. Have you avoided talking about the bad behavior or drinking/drugging out of fear of hearing the response?
4. Have you tried drinking/drugging with him in hopes of strengthening the relationship?
5. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and another?
6. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees?
7. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself?
8. Have you finished a job or project that the teen failed to complete himself?
9. Without first checking out the evidence, have you marched down to the school (jail, job) to give them "a piece of your mind" when they accused your teen of using drugs?
10. Have you ever told your teen, "Just don't get caught" when you've talked about illegal behavior such as underage drinking or using illegal drugs?

Are you happier or more gratified when you are doing for others than when you do for yourself? Do you feel guilty spending time, money, or resources on your own projects instead of devoting time to others' needs? Do you take on the problems and cares of others with vigor and become stressed if you cannot solve their problems? Are you annoyed and angry if people don't give you the thanks and accolades you secretly feel you deserve for all the good things you have done for them?

Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled your teen to avoid responsibility. Rather than "help" your teen, you have actually made it easier for him to get worse! You have not only enabled your teen, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become affected by the problem yourself.

As long as your teen has his enabling system in place, it is easy for him to continue to deny that he has a drinking/drugging problem -- since most of his problems are being "solved" by those around him. Only when he is forced to face the consequences of his own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep his problem has become. Some of these choices are not easy for friends and families. If your teen gets in trouble with the law, that affects you. The rest of the family will likely suffer right along with him.

Calling the police and reporting your teen's illegal behavior helps him or her to come face-to-face with the problem. Those kinds of choices are difficult. These choices require " tough love." But it is love. Unless your teen is allowed to face the consequences of his own actions, he will never realize just how much his drinking/drugging has become a problem -- to himself and those around him.

Who are the enablers?

They can be teachers, doctors, judges, therapists, parents, attorneys, teens....you name it. They are everywhere. They're rich, poor, middle class and everything else. They can be highly educated, uneducated, street-wise, or naïve.

Why do they do it?

This is most easily understood from the perspective of the symbiotic relationship. The pilot fish tags along with the shark and eats the parasites on the shark. They both get something from the relationship. The shark gets clean; the pilot fish gets food. Like the shark and the pilot fish, the enabler and the addict (or alcoholic or mentally ill or incapacitated person) fit together like a hand in a glove. They both need each other. They both get something out of the relationship.

Enablers thrive on the weaknesses and needs of others. They are needed! They take too much responsibility for the actions of others, always feeling they can somehow manipulate the person or situation and somehow bring about a positive change.

Beware of "nice" people

Enablers may appear to, and even fool themselves into thinking that they are loving and kind and giving. However, they seek out or "enjoy" relationships with "victims" as these kinds of relationships help them to feel good about themselves. Their acts of kindness are a means of control and manipulation. They exert enormous amounts of energy trying to "help" the victim; if the victim gets better, it does not really meet their aim. They need to feel "needed" and useful thus enabling the victim to remain in their unhealthy situation. Most codependent people gain their sense of self worth from their relationship to the needy person or abusive relative. They feel magnanimous by lavishing all of their time and attention on the other person, never looking at or filling the hole in their personality.

Enablers are most likely to "shoot the messenger" because the messenger tells the truth. Like the addict, the enablers don't want to hear the truth. So, they lie to themselves. Because they have an agenda-that you meet their needs to be needed-they aren't interested in healthy solutions. Their motto may as well be, "Let me help you hurt yourself." They are the ones who are most likely to hurt the ones that they say that they love.

Enablers have huge unmet needs

Here are some of the typical needs of enablers: the need to be needed, the need to control things, the need to be "loved" or appreciated, the need to rescue, and the need to "look good." They also suffer from mixed-up priorities, poor boundaries, denial and delusions.

Unhealthy Behaviors

Enablers are typically overly responsible. Their motto is "give until it hurts." And they often hurt. They appear to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of the addict. They put all of their focus on the addict. And, although it can be quite subtle, they often manipulate and control others through their "niceness."

Who suffers because of the enabler?

Everyone-the addict, the other family members, society and, of course, the enabler herself. Because there are no consequences for bad behavior, the bad behavior continues. So everyone suffers. Until the enabler stops enabling, everyone continues to suffer.

Drug and Alcohol Abuse Spectrum

Drug and alcohol abuse is not an all-or-nothing problem. We can put it on a continuum, a spectrum that ranges from total abstinence to dependence. The purpose of this article is to explain that spectrum.

Abstinence--This means that the person does not use drugs or drink alcohol at all. Perhaps he or she drank in the past, but does not do so now.

Use--This phase of drug and alcohol abuse is often referred to as "experimenting."  The person can take it or leave it at this stage.

Misuse--Drug and alcohol abuse which is harmful to self or others is usually in this phase. Perhaps the use impacts school, job, or family. Perhaps the person is misusing prescription drugs (taking more than what is prescribed) or drinking alcohol before the legal age of consumption. It hasn't become a regular pattern...yet. The most common pattern in this stage is occasional binge drinking and drugging.

Abuse--When drug and alcohol abuse is planned and systematic, it's a pattern. The person may drink more than what he/she intended to drink. Tolerance increases. He/she has to drink or use more in order to get the same effect. Alcohol blackouts may occur. He/she may believe that drug or alcohol abuse is required for good times. Some negative patterns have started. The person may rationalize and glamorize their usage. The battle cry, "Marijuana should be legal" is common in this stage. The person is very close to being a full-fledged addict/alcoholic.  The brain does not function as well and some important changes have taken place in the brain. The person usually doesn't notice the changes, but others may.

Dependence--At this stage the person feels compelled to use drugs or drink alcohol. There's control of the drug and alcohol abuse at this stage once it starts. Everything in the person's life begins to revolve around the chemical misuse, planning to use, and cravings for the drug of choice. He/she thinks about it every day and begins to associate almost exclusively with other addicts/alcoholics. Nothing else in the person's life is as important as their drug of choice. Problems emerge, but the person may not notice or may not care. Criminal activities are common in this stage. The disease is well-established and must be addressed. If it's not addressed, the person may suffer a premature death, prison, or institutions.

The last person to recognize these stages in him or herself is the addict/alcoholic. Denial is a part of the disease, so the person doesn't see it. However, others may be able to identify where the person is on the drug and alcohol abuse spectrum.

Teenage Drug Abuse–Risk Factors

Teenage drug abuse is an enormous problem. Protecting your teen from drugs involves looking at the risk factors (those things that make a person more likely to use drugs), analyzing those, and then implementing protective factors (to minimize the person’s risk for using drugs.)There are no guarantees. However, research tells us that we can increase the odds for success if we strengthen the protective factors and modify the risk factors (if possible) of teenage drug abuse. The more protective factors you can add (or strengthen), the greater your odds for success. The following list of risk factors and protective factors come from over 500 journal articles.

1. The first and most important risk factor for teenage drug abuse is heredity—blood relatives who have a drinking or drug problem increase your risk for addiction by four times. At this point in time, we can’t change our genetic makeup. However, we can strengthen the protective factor through total and complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol. It’s important that parents model and teach abstinence to prevent teenage drug abuse.
2. Research tells us that a poor parent-child relationship is a huge risk factor for teenage drug abuse. This means that the teen has a poor relationship with one or both parents—either through conflict, inconsistent or severe punishment, abandonment, neglect, etc. Parents may disagree on parenting techniques, leaving the teen in a vulnerable position. Although you may have little control over what the other parent does, you do have control over what you do. It’s really important that a positive relationship exists between teen and parent(s)–lots of open, honest communication, discussion of feelings, love expressed and received. Consistent, loving parenting skills that are agreed upon and practiced by BOTH parents. If this is not possible, you will want to enlist other family members, or neighbors, or some community group to help establish a strong relationship with your teen.
3. Conditional love on the part of the parents is another risk factor. (I will only love you if…..) This is usually unspoken, but assumed by the teen. So, the protective factor against teenage drug abuse for this one would be unconditional love (I will always love you no matter what.) This DOESN’T mean that the parent neglects to set limits on poor behavior. Establishment of appropriate consequences is an expression of love. “I love you AND I’m not willing to loan you the family car tonight because of what happened last night.”
4. Another risk factor for teenage drug abuse is parenting with unreasonably high, unrealistic expectations, which causes the teen to feel, “I’m not good enough.” The protective factor, then, is for parents and teens to learn to communicate well and to negotiate in establishing mutually acceptable goals and expectations.
5. A low self esteem--on the part of the teen OR the parent can contribute to drug abuse problems in the teen. The protective factor, then, is for parents to not only help build the teen's self esteem, but also to work on raising their own self esteem.
6. Teenage drug abuse also occurs when depression, anxiety, panic disorder, or a trauma history occur in either the teen or the parent.  So, it's very important for the parent to treat the depression, anxiety or other mental health issues. This will help to protect against teenage drug abuse.
7. Another big risk factor for teenage drug abuse is poor academic performance. So, poor grades, school truancy, and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder are all issues that need to be addressed. Teens and parents need to work to solve school and/or motivation problems—seek tutoring, counseling, medication, resolutions of behavioral problems, and better supervision in attending school.
8. The existence of other problems in the family--marital problems, divorce, illness, another problem child-- can be an important risk factor for teenage drug abuse. Parents need to work hard to solve problems that could be affecting their children. Although this can be very challenging. Every effort that the parents make to solve the problems can have a positive impact on the teen.
9. Research tells us that another risk factor for teenage drug abuse is the absence of religious or spiritual values in the family. Parents can reduce the risk of teenage drug abuse by teaching values, attending a religious or spiritual group, and most importantly, practicing what they preach. If they don't practice what they preach, they're causing harm.
10. The teen's need for risk-taking behaviors can be a risk factor. Certain personality types absolutely require excitement and adventure in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life. So, recognizing that, parents can involve their teen in sports and activities that feel adventurous to the teenager.
11. An addictive pattern in one or both parents can be an environmental risk factor for teens.  This may be the parent's overinvolvement with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, carbohydrates, prescription drugs, work, pornography, gambling, or any other behavior that has life-damaging consequences. Parents can and should seek help for their own addictions and practice what they preach. Remember, children learn what they live. As the children see that their parents are happier and healthier, they're less likely to turn to addictions as an escape from the stresses in life.
12. "Hanging out" with the friends who are abusing drugs or alcohol contributes to teen substance abuse problems. Although parents often feel powerless in this area, there are many things that parents can do to create a positive and loving relationships in the family. In addition to sufficient parental supervision and monitoring family activity time together, parents can consult with professionals on how to improve family relationships so that the family reduces the possibility of teenage drug abuse.
13. Early cigarette use is highly correlated with teen substance abuse problems. Parents should quit smoking themselves. In addition, parents can promote awareness of the hazards of cigarette smoking to their entire family.
14. Parents are often surprised to know that poor impulse control on the part of a parent can predispose a teen to drug abuse. If you as a parent are prone to road rage, tantrums, yelling, impulsive life-damaging decisions, then you're more likely to be faced with teenage drug abuse in your family. It's important for parents to get help for their impulse control issues. Contact a counselor for counseling or anger management classes.
15. Another risk factor for teenage drug abuse is poor social skills. The teenager feels inadequate socially, and doesn't know how to make friends easily. Parents can do a great deal in teaching social skills. There are books, courses, teachers, and neighbors who can help you with this important set of skills.
16. Passive parenting is also a problem. This means that the teens are raising themselves with little supervision. It's important for parents to learn how to provide structure and supervision in the family.
17. A  lack of quality time spent together doing activities as a family contributes to teenage drug abuse. Parents can unplug the television, restrict use of telephones, insist on spending time together doing family activities. The parent can pick an activity (20 to 40 minutes) one night and have the teen pick the activity the next night.
18. The risk factor of conflict--arguing, fighting, hitting, punching, power struggles--is often difficult for parents to address. But, it's important to reduce the conflict in the family, engage in family counseling to learn new skills to reduce the possibility of teenage drug abuse.
19. Enabling is another risk factor for teenage drug abuse. This means that one or more family members does not enforce consequences for rules that have been broken. This person, the enabler, is making it easier for the teen to abuse drugs. Al Anon, a sister organization to Alcoholics Anonymous, is free and available for anyone. This, or counseling, can help the person to stop enabling.
20. A lack of parental supervision contributes to teen substance abuse.  No matter what the cause is for this problem, it needs to be addressed. Parents can learn to solve this problem so that they are more actively involved in their teen's life. If no extended family members can help, there are community resources that should be engaged.

Many of these problems may seem overwhelming, yet by focusing on solutions, you can minimize the risk of teenage drug abuse.

Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this article  may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner.