What Does it Mean to Take Good Care of Yourself?

What does it mean to take good care of yourself? From my point of view it can mean all of these things:

• Putting yourself first sometimes

• Enforcing healthy boundaries between yourself and others

• Taking the time to nourish your soul--doing what you love

• Taking the time to nourish your body--with healthy foods

• Taking the time for relaxation techniques to reduce stress

• Claiming your power. If you claim your power, you speak up for yourself in a kind, but firm way

• Taking the time to exercise

• Loving yourself enough to address self-destructive habits

Although these are common sense things, we often have to train ourselves to do these things in our adult life. I have found that I tend to do better if I keep a journal of what I'm doing to take good care of myself. It helps me to be more self-aware. This whole web site is dedicated to helping you to take better care of yourself. Remember, it's a journey, a process, not a destination.

Prescription for Burnout–Caregiver Syndrome

Caregiver Syndrome is the name for the ongoing emotional stress and physical strain of caring for a loved one.

You may feel exhausted, fatigued, powerless, anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed.

You may have physical symptoms such as high blood pressure and a compromised immune system. Perhaps you feel sad or resentful.

There's too much to do and not enough time to do it. You're not getting enough sleep and not watching your nutrition. There are so many demands and not enough help in your life.

Who's prone to burnout?

• Those who can't say no.

• People who sacrifice themselves, putting themselves last

• Perfectionists

• Nonassertive people

• People who are impatient with themselves

• People who have difficulty setting limits with others

• People who have control issues

• People who are unwilling to confront their own fears

• People who have big hearts, who are empathetic

What do I do?

The articles on this website are designed to help you to overcome caregiver syndrome. What you really need to do is learn to take good care of yourself. That's a process, a journey. As you learn to take time for yourself, give back to yourself, you're going to get better and better.

You will need to look at your self-destructive habits--those habits that rob you of your energy, health, vitality, and well-being. If you're going to be there for others, you will need to first be there for yourself.

Claim your power. You can change things. One day at a time. Start looking at those areas of your life where you have given away your power. Assertiveness is absolutely essential if you're going to take good care of yourself.

Finding support

If you don't have enough support in your life, it's time to change things. You need support. We all need each other. Do you have family members who can be supportive of you? Make a list of extended family members who may be able to be supportive of you in one way or another.

Start connecting with others.  What do they do to get the relief that they need? Ask. Spend time with others--either in person, on the phone, or on the internet.

Good luck.

Relaxation Techniques

Relaxation techniques are a form of stress protection and can help you to enjoy a better quality of life. These relaxation techniques are so much more than sitting in front of the tv, enjoying a hobby, or talking with friends. The techniques in this article have been proven to help decrease the wear and tear of life's challenges on your mind and body. They will help to reduce anxiety and depression.

Benefits of Relaxation

• Slowing your heart rate
• Lowering blood pressure
• Slowing your breathing rate
• Reducing the need for oxygen
• Increasing blood flow to major muscles
• Reducing muscle tension
• Fewer physical symptoms, such as headaches and back pain
• Fewer emotional responses, such as anger and frustration
• More energy
• Improved concentration
• Greater ability to handle problems
• More efficiency in daily activities

Types of Relaxation

• Yoga
• Tai chi
• Breathwork
• Listening to Music
• Exercise
• Meditation
• Hypnosis
• Massage
• Biofeedback

Even looking at a beautiful photo can help to relax you. It doesn't matter which form of relaxation you use. What matters is that you do something for stress protection often.

Does Relapse Mean Treatment Failure?

Relapses are Painful

"Relapse should not be viewed as a failure; it is part of a learning process that eventually leads to recovery," says Susan Merle Gordon, Ph.D. Even though relapses are painful for the addict and hurtful to the addict’s loved ones, a relapse can often help the addict discover where his efforts have been incomplete. Unfortunately, many people are under the mistaken impression that a relapse with drugs means that the program failed. Let’s examine why this belief is mistaken.

Addiction is a Disease

Although addiction starts with a choice to use drugs or alcohol, it can progress to disease proportions in many people. Addiction is a pervasive, progressive, chronic disease. Pervasive means that it affects every area of the person’s life. Progressive means that it gets worse and worse over time. Chronic diseases are diseases of long duration and generally slow progression. Examples of chronic diseases and conditions are heart disease, obesity, osteoporosis, diabetes, asthma, arthritis, Alzheimer’s Disease and other dementias, and cancer.

Three Dog Nightmare

Chuck Negron, vocalist and founding member of the band, Three Dog Night, is a good example of how the disease of addiction can progress. Although he’s an extreme case, his struggle with addiction is illuminating. Remaining in the grip of addiction for nearly 20 years, Negron wasted away to 126 pounds and went through 36 rehab programs. In his book Three Dog Nightmare, he details his ordeal with this painful disease. He sold his gold records to subsidize his $2000 a day heroin habit. He talks about overdoses, car crashes, gun play, suicide attempts, and contracting hepatitis C. Did he hit bottom? Many, many times. And yet the disease of addiction ruled his life for decades. He has been clean and sober since his 37th rehab. That doesn’t mean that the 36 prior rehabilitation programs were a waste of time and money. He clearly states that he learned important things from each one of the recovery programs that he went through. And he slowly made important life changes that helped him on his journey to sobriety. And as he matured, he began to look at his selfish, self-destructive path with more clarity. Each one of those 37 rehabs played a part in his recovery and helped him to look at himself.

How Many People Relapse?

Terence Gorski, internationally-famous lecturer and author on relapse and addiction states: “Relapse is not necessarily a sign of treatment failure. Between one half and two-thirds of all patients treated will relapse, but at least one half of all relapsers will find long-term recovery. The belief that relapse means that treatment failed ignores the fact that, for many patients, recovery involves a series of relapse episodes. Each relapse, if properly dealt with in treatment, can become the learning experience which makes the patient less likely to relapse in the future."
A woman that I’ve seen off and on in psychotherapy for the past 10 years has made great progress in addressing her chronic disease. Her path in addressing obesity has been typical of so many recovering addicts. She gained and lost well over 1000 pounds. She would diet, then binge. She felt sabotaged by every social event, birthday party, special holiday and Sunday dinner. She “cheated” on her diet (a relapse in recovery terms) many times and gave up on herself many times. As we slowly worked on her self esteem and identity, she made baby steps in changing her habits. Today she is at her ideal weight and has been at that weight for three years. Has she completely conquered obesity? Heavens, no. She’ll need to be vigilant about her habits the rest of her life. But she is absolutely not sabotaging her health the way that she was ten years ago. “Cheating” today involves eating a 1 inch square of birthday cake (rather than the whole cake ten years ago).

This Disease is Complex

The disease of addiction is extremely complex. Overcoming it involves learning new skills, new habits, allowing the brain (and organs) time to recover, making new friends, and learning how to make self-enhancing choices. This takes time—often years. Parents who take teenage drug abuse seriously and get help for their teens are helping this process to begin.  Any stepping stone along the path to recovery is helpful.

Recovery is a Process

And this process takes time. Recovery is not an event. That's why you don't hear people in AA say, "I'm a recovered alcoholic. They say, "I'm an alcoholic." They don't know what tomorrow will bring. None of us want them to relapse, but it's not uncommon if it does happen.

The ultimate purpose of treatment is to keep the patient alive until the addiction is finally controlled. Addiction too often results in suicide or accidental death by overdose, experimentation, or contaminated products.

Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this article  may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner.

10 Myths of Addiction

There are a lot of misconceptions about drug abuse and treatment. Here are a few of them:

• MYTH #1: You have to want treatment for it to be effective.

FACT: A very small percentage of people voluntarily seek treatment. People get into treatment for two reasons: either they were court-ordered into it or because loved ones urged them to do so. One research study after the next shows that people who enter treatment in which they face "high pressure" to confront their addictions do better in treatment than those who don't. The reason that they sought treatment in the first place is relatively insignificant.

• MYTH #2: People don't need treatment. They can stop using drugs if they really want to.

FACT: People who are addicted find it extremely difficult to achieve and maintain long-term abstinence. Long-term drug abuse actually changes a person's brain function, causing them to crave the drug even more over time. In the case of teenage drug abuse, it is absolutely critical to intervene and stop substance abuse as early as possible. This is because children become addicted much faster than adults. Consequently, they risk greater physical, mental, and psychological harm from illegal drug use.

• MYTH #3: You have to hit "rock bottom" in order for treatment to be effective.

FACT: There are many things that can motivate a person to complete substance abuse treatment before they hit bottom. For teens, parents and the schools are often the driving forces in getting them into treatment once problems at home or in school develop. Pressure from family members and employers can be powerful motivating factors for individuals seeking treatment.

• MYTH #4: Drug addiction is voluntary behavior.

FACT: Drug use starts as voluntary behavior. That's a fact.  But as time passes, the brain changes. The person goes from being a voluntary drug user to a compulsive drug user. Sometimes this happens in very dramatic ways, and sometimes it happens in very subtle, slow ways. The end result is that drug abuse becomes compulsive behavior; the use is out of control and sometimes even uncontrollable.

• MYTH: #5: Treatment just doesn't work.

FACT: Treatment can help people. Studies show that treatment reduces drug use by 40 to 60 percent and can significantly decrease criminal activity during and after treatment. There is also evidence that drug addiction treatment reduces the risk of HIV infection and improves the prospects for employment, with gains of up to 40 percent after treatment.

• MYTH #6: Treatment for drug addiction should be a one-shot deal

FACT: Addiction tends to be a progressive, chronic, and pervasive disease. Certainly some people can quit after deciding to or after entering a treatment program. But most of those who have a drug abuse or drug dependent disorder require longer-term treatment and, in many cases, repeated treatments.

• MYTH #7: Drug addiction is a moral problem, a character flaw.

FACT: Drug addiction is a brain disease. Changes in the brain range from changes in the molecules and cells that make up the brain, to mood changes, to changes in memory processes and in such motor skills as walking and talking. And these changes have a huge influence on all aspects of a person's behavior. The drug becomes the single most powerful motivator in a drug abuser's life. He or will do almost anything for the drug. This happens because drug use has changed the person's brain and its functioning in critical ways. (See Addiction--The Hijacked Brain)

• MYTH #8: You can't force someone into treatment.

FACT: Treatment does not have to be voluntary. People forced into treatment by the legal system can be just as successful as those who enter treatment voluntarily. Actually, they sometimes do better, as they are more likely to remain in treatment longer and complete the program. Nearly half of the teens in treatment are there because of the criminal justice system.

• MYTH #9: People can successfully finish drug abuse treatment in a couple of weeks if they're truly motivated.

FACT: Research indicates a minimum of 90 days of treatment for outpatient drug-free programs and residential programs, and 21 days for a short-term inpatient program to have an effect. To maintain the treatment effect, followup supervision and support are essential. In all recovery programs the best predictor of success is the length of treatment. Clients who remain at least a year or more than twice as likely to remain drug free, and a recent study showed teens who met or exceeded the minimum treatment time were over one and a half times more likely to abstain from drug and alcohol use. However, completing a treatment program is merely the first step in the struggle for recovery that can extend throughout a person's life.

• MYTH #10: Drug addicts are hopeless.

FACT: Drug addiction is a chronic disorder; relapse does not mean failure. A relapse can be triggered by so many things: playgrounds where they have used previously, playmates that they have used with previously, and playthings that trigger subconscious memories, in addition to family problems, work stress, and school stress. Recovery is a long process and frequently requires multiple treatment attempts before complete and consistent sobriety can be achieved.

Sources: National Institute on Drug Abuse, National Institute of Health; Dr. Alan I. Leshner, former director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse; “The Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment: A Research-Based Guide” (October 1999); The Partnership for a Drug-Free America.

The Complaint Sandwich

Rather than feeling resentments about someone, rather than nagging or yelling, learn to deliver bad news in a complaint sandwich. If you have a parent, a child, a friend, or co-worker, you have probably run into situations where you've had a complaint or criticism about them. This is where a lot of people feel anxiety. You need to deliver some bad news, negative feedback, or *helpful* advice. This is a part of assertiveness training--expressing a complaint. If you really want the other person to listen to what you have to say, you ought to package it in a complaint sandwich. You'll want to eliminate the possibility of feeling guilt about the conversation later, so practice what you have to say before you say it. Here's how it works.

Praise

The bottom piece of bread is what you like or admire. Examples:

To your son: "I liked the way that you picked up all your toys and put them in the toy chest. Thanks for doing that."

To your spouse: "Thanks for picking me up from work. I appreciate the fact that you had to go out of your way to do that for me."

To your co-worker: "You did a nice job on that project. It looks terrific!"

The Complaint

Ready? We're now at the difficult part, the meat in the middle--the negative feedback or complaint.

To your son: "I noticed that all your dirty clothes are under your bed. Would you please put those in the hamper?"

To your spouse: "I've been waiting for forty-five minutes and wondering if I told you the wrong time." (You didn't.)

To your co-worker: "I wish you had included me in the process since we were asked to do it together."

Praise

You always put the praise on the end, too. This is the top piece of bread in the sandwich. Without doing this, you run the risk of offending the person or having them not hear you at all.

To your son: "I'm so proud of you. You've come a long way."

To your spouse: "However, I really appreciate the fact that you came to get me. Thanks so much for doing that."

To your co-worker: "But you did a really nice job on it and deserve all the recognition for doing this."

Get the idea? Find a way to put this little complaint sandwich in use today. You'll feel better about yourself when you do this. Also, you'll bolster the self esteem of your listeners. Give it a try!

How to Cure Loneliness

First of all, smile.  Practice in the mirror until it feels natural. There's nothing like a smile to advertise your willingness to be friendly. You'll value yourself more as well.

Next, look up befriend in the dictionary. It says to act as a friend. To help. Find someone who is less fortunate than you, someone who has a bigger problem and help that person.  You will find love, beauty, and joy in helping others. You'll learn to value yourself more as you give selfless service to others.

Look around your place in this world. See those kids without a ball? Bring one to the street and let it rip. See that old guy eating peanut butter everyday? Bring him a cup of coffee and a smile to go with it. Lady at the store needs a little extra change? Offer it with a smile. Do these random acts of friendship in your area and you just can't miss. Make up different scenarios in your mind and follow through with them. Someone needs a ride? Give it. Invite your neighbor to dinner. Tell her to bring a friend. Meet her kids, Hey! This is easy.You can help make the world be a better place. Every city and town on earth has need of volunteers.

Try stepping outside your comfort zone and do something a little scary--like going to a book club, talking to a stranger in a coffeeshop, taking a community education class, or sitting in a public park and chatting with strangers. Join Twitter and Facebook. Have a hobby? Go to meetup and schedule times you can meet with people who have similar interests.

Happiness is a lot like jam. You can't spread it without getting a bit of it on yourself in the process.

Recovering from Codependency

I have seen so many spouses of addicts who have similar complaints. Last week I had a session with a woman whose husband's pornography addiction has been spinning out of control for many years. I've heard the same laments hundreds of times.

"I'm hurt that he chooses pornography over me."

"Why aren't I good enough for him?"

"I can't compete with the images he looks at online."

For many women, their husband's addiction feels like he's having an affair. I usually advise them, "It's not about you.  Addiction is a brain disease." What starts as voluntary behavior becomes increasingly less controlled over time as the practice becomes a habit and then an addiction . Although the neurobiological processes of addiction are still being studied, imaging shows specific abnormalities in the brains of some addicted individuals. Knowing this can help you to feel more understanding and less victimized by the problem.

"So what should I do?"

That's an important question. For every person who loves someone who is addicted, I advise this:

Learn to take good care of YOURSELF. You see, you have a recovery process, too, that needs to be addressed. You need to learn to shift your focus to yourself instead of watching out for your loved one. And learning how to become your own best friend is a big, big job.  I would recommend that you get some help for yourself. And be sure to include a support person on your journey to recovery. Attend twelve-step meetings for yourself. It's tough to do it alone.

Varieties of Parental Denial About Teenage Drug Abuse

• Minimizing-- “It’s not so bad. He only smokes pot.”

• Accepting the Con-- Your child manipulates you. You choose  to believe him or her.

• Ignoring the Advice of “outsiders” “It’s none of their business.”

• The Blame Game--(to your ex) “I hope you’re happy now. Look what you’ve done to your son.”

• Looking for Another Cause--“Tell me it’s anything but drugs.” A learning disability, depression, a health problem, ADHD

• Kids Will Be Kids--“When I was his age, I used drugs, too. I turned out OK.”

• Everything’s Fine-- If I ignore this situation, maybe it will all go away.

• Rationalizing “He’s had a hard life because he has diabetes.”

Sometimes when parents come out of the fog of denial, they become very hard on themselves and start blaming themselves excessively. For those parents who are blaming themselves, my advice is this:

Stop!

It won't help the situation to blame yourself. Did you bend her little elbow to take that first drink? Did you hold his fingers to hold that first joint of marijuana? No matter what problems exist in the family, ask yourself this: WHO USED? Your teen used OF HIS OWN FREE WILL. Don’t forget that. He did it knowing that it violates values and rules in our society. He did it knowing right from wrong. He did it FEARING that he would be caught. HE did it. Not you. He didn’t do it because you were too strict with him or because his parents got a divorce or because you work too hard. He probably first did it because his friends told him it felt good and he was curious. Or maybe he just wanted to be liked. Blaming yourself will NOT help your teen.

Parents’ Denial Checklist

Denial--It ain't just a river in Egypt. These questions may help you to pull your head out of the sand (in case it is). With teenage drug abuse being the enormous problem that it is now, any of these questions could strike a nerve; you may have a problem. If several of them seem frighteningly familiar, you probably do have a problem. And if you recognize them, you could need further help.

• Does your child have red eyes most of the time? Does he have his own supply of eye drops?

• Are you ignoring changes in your child’s behavior? Changes in his personality? Changes in his grades?

• Do you attribute unacceptable behavior to “being a teenager”?

• Do you blame your spouse or “the divorce” for your child’s problems?

• When your spouse or outsiders suggest that your child may have a problem with drugs or alcohol, do you listen? Or do you just get mad at the accuser?

• Are you feeling like a failure as a parent?

• Do you buy your child’s story that the drugs and/or paraphernalia that was found in his room or his car “belongs to a friend”?

• If you are a working mother, do you blame yourself for your child’s problems because you’re not in the home? If you’re a working father, do you blame yourself for your child’s problems because you have to work such long hours or you’re on the road a lot?

• If you went into your child’s room right now, would you find any signs of drugs? What would you do if you did?

• Are you blaming divorce or the absence of one parent in the home for your child’s behavior?

• Are you feeling anxious about the problems your child is having adjusting to growing up?

• Has your child admitted to trying marijuana? Will he talk to you about it?

• Does your child say that he only “smoked pot”? Do you believe him?

If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may want to seek the help of a therapist.

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