The Rules of a Drug-Free Family

Teenage drug abuse is rampant. One of the protective factors that you can add is setting the rules for having a drug-free family. If you choose to have a drug-free family, here are the six basic rules:

1. No illegal drug use by anyone in the family or anyone who comes into the home

2. No misuse of prescription or over-the-counter drugs by anyone

3. No alcohol use by minority-age kids in the family

4. No routine use of alcohol or cigarettes by adults—that is, no use pattern that communicates drinking or smoking as an important or necessary daily function

5. No intoxication by adults

6. No use of drugs to lose weight, gain weight, go to sleep, relax, or wake up

Why Can’t The Alcoholic See What is Happening?

Everyone ELSE can see what is happening. So, why can't they? Here are a few reasons:

• Social dependence distorts my perception of what is normal. Everyone in my group is living the same way that I am. My way of living is just NORMAL!

• Enabling removes some of the consequences. For years people around me covered up for me, made excuses for me, bailed me out, reduced the pain and the consequences of my choices. Then they wonder why I can’t see that my problems are related to my choices.

• My psychological defenses trick me (and yours trick you). Even if I get fired, expelled, divorced or abandoned, it is their fault, not mine.

• State dependent learning removes the impact by the time I’m sober again. The pain, embarrassment, and shame that I may experience while intoxicated is very real at the time. When sober, it’s just a hazy fog. Addiction can be tricky that way.

• Withdrawal learning confirms my distorted view. What happens when I stop drinking? I get sick—sometimes VERY sick! When I drink again, I get “well.” So, drinking saves my life!

• Impaired abstract thinking blocks understanding cause and effect. Drinking impairs the brain’s ability to link cause and effect. Problems don’t occur EVERY time I drink!

• Memory blackouts erase some of the problems. If I get in a fight when I’m drunk, my blackout prevents me from remembering the occurrence. To me, it didn’t happen, no matter what other people say or do.

These are just a few of the possible reasons why the alcoholic can't see what is happening. Of course, there are more.

The Five Fond Hopes of Addiction

One of the characteristics of alcoholism is denial. As they say in AA, "We have a disease that tells us we don't have a disease." Denial manifests itself in many ways.

1. It can never happen to me. Alcoholism or drug addiction can happen to anyone who makes enough high-risk choices.
2. I’ll see my trigger level coming, and I’ll stop making high-risk choices. In reality, by the time I see the problem, the problem is probably already there. It’s now too late to prevent it.
3. I can’t have alcoholism if I don’t drink every day. The fact is, most people who drink every day don’t have alcoholism. Many people with alcoholism don’t drink every day. They just drink a lot when they do drink. If it were true, most Europeans would have alcoholism, and they don’t.
4. I can prove I don’t have alcoholism by abstaining from alcohol. This is based on the belief that people with alcoholism must drink every day, which isn’t true. Some people believe that if they can stop drinking for a few weeks or months, they can then control their drinking which proves that they don’t have alcoholism. Abstaining from alcohol doesn’t prove anything. Wanting or needing to prove something by abstaining, however, is often a symptom of alcoholism. What people with alcoholism cannot do is consistently drink within the low-risk range.
5. If I do have alcoholism, I can control it by cutting down on my drinking. I don’t have to abstain from alcohol forever. Alcoholism cannot be controlled through drinking. Alcoholism can only be treated with total and complete abstinence.

Three recommended websites  providing information about  addiction and alcoholism are:

Alcoholism Signs and Symptoms
Mayo Clinic Information about Alcoholism
Addiction DVD by HBO

What resources do you recommend for conquering alcoholism?

Stages of Addiction in Alcoholism

 

STAGE	CHARACTERISTICS OF THIS STAGE	LONG TERM PHYSICAL CHANGES	MENTAL CHANGES
4   50% of all drinkers progress to this stage	Physical dependence: “I DO need it.” Your alcoholism is apparent to everyone around you EXCEPT yourself because you now believe your own lies. This stage is characterized by high tolerance (you have to drink to feel normal at this point), withdrawal, loss of control, and efforts to control the drinking. (“I only drink on weekends or I’ll only take $10 to the bar.”) Problems with relationships, missed days at work, DUI, etc.	Permanent brain changes. Even if you stop drinking, you can’t go back to being a non-alcoholic. Tolerance varies as the body breaks down. Physical deterioration—appearance, organ-related illnesses, early death or recovery	Alcohol is a primary focus of existence. It is more important than ANYTHING ELSE! Relationships are problematic. You don’t have the ability to empathize with others’ feelings. You don’t want to stop drinking despite life-damaging consequences
3   Serious problems	Psychological dependence: “I feel I need it.” Preoccupation with drinking—obtaining and protecting one’s supply of alcohol, drinking, and associating with people who drink ORDrinking alone Alcohol is the person’s “best friend”—It’s fun, pleasurable, always there for me. When I want to celebrate, I turn to this friend. When I need comfort, I think of this friend. It does not argue with me. It’s like having a love affair.	Increasing tolerance Blackouts, withdrawal symptoms (hangover IS withdrawal), physical deterioration—liver, heart, brain, kidneys, pancreas. Drinking more drives up the tolerance which then causes the person to drink more. Downward spiral.	Defensiveness, blaming, excuses, denial, rationalization, justification, social group selection is based on whether or not they drink. You associate with people who drink. Divorce is common at this stage. Protecting your supply.
2   Alcohol is becoming a problem	Anticipating drinking: “I want it. I’m looking forward to the weekend party where I’ll be drinking.” Drinking to get drunk Drinking is a very important part of having fun If alcohol is NOT being served at the party, I may choose to go elsewhere where I can drink	Tolerance increases (drinking more and more over time for the same desired effect)	Remembering what you learn when drunk only when you’re drunk. Intellectual, social, emotional, and ethical retardation starts in this stage. Thinking is dulled.
1	“I can take it or leave it.” Not drinking at all OR Never drinks more than one drink in one hour; two total drinks occasionally (as an adult over 21 if there is no one in the family who has had a problem with alcohol).	None Feels mildly relaxed (not impaired) May become slightly flushed or slightly ill	None

Know the Enemy: Drug Education

DRUG	POSSIBLE EFFECTS	POSSIBLE OVERDOSE EFFECTS	HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSER
Alcohol	Acts as a depressant, dehydration, hyperactivity, nausea, headache, heartburn, thirst, giddiness	Insomnia, delirium, hallucinations, convulsions, loss of memory	Puffy face, red eyes, depressed, disoriented
Inhalants—gasoline, lighter fluid, wite-out, aerosol cans of any type	Very alert, keen senses, possible hallucinations, dizziness, tightness in the chest.	Hands become dry, chapped and may peel, brain damage, death	Slow mental and physical response to conversations, scrambled words, disconnected sentences, teen smells like the substance used
Depressants (Downers): Noctec, Somnos, Nembutal, Seconal, Valium, Miltown, Quaalude, Ativan	Slurred speech, loss of coordination, disorientation, drunken behavior	Shallow breathing, cold and clammy skin, dilated pupils, weak and rapid pulse, coma, death	The appearance of drunkenness without the smell of alcohol. Sedated behavior
Marijuana (pot, grass, bud, joint, reefer)	Euphoria, relaxed inhibitions, disoriented behavior	Fatigue, paranoia, possible psychosis	Abusers may appear exhilarated or very relaxed, stare off into space, be hilarious without apparent cause, have an exaggerated sense of their abilities. Red eyes.
Hallucinogens (LSD, PCP, Peyote, Mescaline)	Poor perception of time and distance, Illusions and hallucinations	Longer and more intense “trip” episodes, psychosis, death	May undergo personality changes, “see” smells, “hear” colors. They may try to fly, brush imaginary insects from their body. Irrational behavior. Marked depersonalization
Mushrooms	Cold sweats accompanied by hallucinations	Stomach cramps, nausea, blackouts	Beady eyes, nervous, uptight, erratic behavior, sweaty, laughing and crying
Narcotics (painkillers): Opium, morphine, heroin, Dilaudid, Paregoric, Percodan	Euphoria, drowsiness, respiratory depression, constricted pupils, nausea	Slow and shallow breathing, clammy skin, convulsions, coma, death	Constricted pupils, calm, inattentive, “on the nod,” with slow pulse and respiration
Stimulants: Cocaine, methamphetamines, dexedrine and others	Increased alertness, excitation, dilated pupils, Increased pulse rate and blood pressure, insomnia, loss of appetite	Agitation, hallucinations, convulsions, psychosis, death	Increase in activity, abnormal cheerfulness, jumpiness, irritability, hallucinations, paranoid tendencies

Asking for Change

This "asking for change" script can be helpful for couples, families, and employers. It's a standard technique that is used in assertiveness training, anger management, and family counseling. What changes do you want the other person to make? Be very specific. Tell the other person how you feel about the behavior in question. Name the specific changes that you would like to see. Also, think about what you might need to change in your own behavior to help the other person. Claim your power and reduce the stress in your life by practicing this script often.
 

Script

When you__________________________________________

I feel ______________________________________________(mad, sad, bad, glad, scared, disappointed, hurt, frustrated, embarrassed, etc.)

I wish (or I want)________________________________________

If you can do that, I will____________________________________.

Rules

1. While Person A talks, Person B listens.
2. Person B can ask for clarification, take notes, or ask Person A to repeat the request. But Person B cannot interrupt Person A.
3. When Person A finishes, Person B should summarize the message (leaving nothing out) and then say, "Did I get it right?"
4. Person A says yes or no. If person A says no, then clarification is in order.

Examples

"When you yell at me, I feel hurt and angry. I wish you would speak quietly to me. If you can do that, I will listen and respond to you."

"When you leave the house without telling me where you are going, I feel disappointed and scared. I want you to tell me where you are going. If you can do that,  I will not insist that you come back in an hour."

"When you don't go to school, I feel irritated. I wish you would take school seriously and go every day. If you can do that, I will allow you more freedom on the weekends."

See how easy it is? Give it a try!

Happy Relationships in 22 Words

How to define healthy relationships in twenty-two words:

1. I can be me.
2. You can be you.
3. We can be us.
4. I can grow.
5. You can grow.
6. We can grow together.

This marvelous summary is  from The Struggle For Intimacy by Janet Woititz. If you value yourself, you allow yourself to be yourself. You allow your partner to be him/herself. Assertiveness helps you to speak your truth, set limits, appreciate differences while respecting your partner.

You Teach People How to Treat You

If you feel people use you, take advantage of you, or break their promises to you, then you need to make some new choices. No one wants to be victimized, but victims often don't know how to get out of their rut. They don't understand that they have taught people to treat them poorly by the poor treatment that they have accepted in the past.

I used to work for an employer who often asked me to work six or seven days a week on a very meager salary. I really needed the job because I was a single parent at the time. However, as much as I did not want to lose my job, there came a time when I needed to stand up for myself. My fear-based behavior acted as a lightning rod for my corporate bully boss. I took a big risk as I firmly but politely set limits with how often I would work overtime. Fortunately for me, he backed down.

Learn to Value Yourself

• One of the easiest ways to learn to value yourself is to learn assertiveness training. When you assert yourself, you speak your truth in a kind, calm, mature manner.
• Ask yourself, "Is this relationship a two-way street? Am I getting as much as I'm giving?" If not, time to re-think your relationships. You deserve to be treated with as much respect as what you give to others.
• Determine your boundaries. Where do you draw the line? Claim your power so that you don't feel victimized. Being a doormat is a self-destructive habit that can be changed.
• Remember that every adult relationship is voluntary. Yes, I said every relationship. You get to determine how close you want to be with your sister, parent, spouse, neighbor, or boss. To a large extent, you also determine the quality of the relationship.
• Be good to yourself. Be as kind to you as you are to others.

Becoming Your Own Best Friend

When you start treating yourself as if you are  fabulous, terrific, and wonderful, you  don't allow others to walk on you. When you start believing that you're a magnificent limited edition of one--unique in every way,  you put out a different energy in relationships.

If this is something that you can't believe right now, then becoming your own best friend is really important. Because if you feel good about yourself  then other people will treat you with respect.  Remember: we teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves.

Drug Testing

I often advise parents to do regular drug tests at home after professionals have determined that their teen has a problem with substance abuse.  This is one of the easiest and most powerful things that a parent can do to prevent drug addiction as long as the teenager is willing to be compliant with this request.  I sometimes help parents to write a contract with their teen that stipulates certain privileges based on clean tests.

Parents can buy inexpensive FDA-approved drug testing kits. I've listed the approximate times that drugs can be detected in the urine in the table below. These are only general guidelines and depend on the drug metabolism and half-life, the teen's physical condition, the teen's fluid balance and state of hydration, and the route and frequency of ingestion.

Detectability of Selected Drugs

Drug	Duration of Detectability
Alcohol	EtG/EtS test detects alcohol up to 80 hours after consumption
Amphetamine	2 - 4 days
Methamphetamine	2 - 4 days
Barbiturates	2 - 4 days; phenobarbital--up to 30 days
Benzodiazepines	up to 30 days
Cocaine metabolites	12 - 72 hours
Methadone	2 - 4 days
Opiates (heroin, codeine, morphine)	2 - 4 days
Marijuana (THC)	2 - 7 days for the casual user;  up to 30 days for the habitual user
PCP	2 - 7 days for the casual user;  up to 30 days for the habitual user

If a test reads positive for drugs, it's important for parents to sit down with their teen and talk about the results in a calm, rational, non-blaming manner. Don't just to conclusions, don't yell, don't threaten. Calmly ask about their last date of usage. If teens know that you're not going to overreact, they're far more likely to be honest.

Anxiety–The Traits That Keep You Stuck

People who are prone to anxiety tend to share certain personality traits. Some of these traits are positive--such as empathetic, sensitive, creative, intuitive, and amiable. These are the traits that endear these people to their friends and relatives.

Other traits tend to aggravate anxiety and interfere with relationships. These traits are:

• Perfectionism
• An excessive need for control
• A tendency to ignore the signs of stress
• An excessive need for approval

Let's look at these traits more closely. Perhaps you can start to identify, work with, and change these traits that provoke your anxiety.

Perfectionism

Perhaps you're overly concerned with small flaws and mistakes in yourself and/or others. You may have expectations about yourself, others, and life that are just unrealistically high. When anything falls short of those expectations, you feel disappointed and perhaps become critical. Nothing is ever good enough. And you perhaps drive yourself to the point of stress, exhaustion, and even burnout. Your self esteem suffers. You don't value yourself.

Tips for Perfectionists:

• Recognize your thinking errors. Are you using the words "should, must, ought, have to, or got to" in your thoughts (e.g., "I should be able to do this." "I must not make a mistake."
• Let go of the idea that your worth is determined by your accomplishments. You're not a human doing, you're a human being.
• Stop magnifiying the importance of small errors. We all make them. Let it go!
• Focus on what's right. A positive point of view can really help in this area.
• Make your goals realistic.

The Need to Control

You want life to be predictable. This is the opposite of faith; trusting the process of life. And you probably have very good reasons for not trusting the flow of life. But, if you want to eliminate anxiety and be more happy, you're going to have to let go of this need to control.

Tips for Control Freaks:

Here are some practical strategies that can work for you. Keep in mind that the cultivation of these strategies take time.

• Cultivate patience. When I'm in a hurry, out shopping and in a long line, I use this silent affirmation: "I'm practicing my patience virtue." For me, this is a good time to check the voice mail on my cell phone, read a magazine, tell myself positive thoughts, and perhaps think about what I'm going to prepare for dinner.
• Trusting that most problems eventually work themselves out. We don't know what the future holds for us, so it's best to choose to trust life.
• Acceptance. This is big. A sense of humor will help with this. Very often things don't go our way. And that's OK. (By the way, those are the precise words that I tell myself--"That's OK.") If you have the irrational belief that things ought to be a certain way, you're in trouble. You're swimming against the current of life, and you're going to get hurt. Learn to go with the flow and accept things the way they are.
• Developing your spirituality. In AA, we talk about "Let go, and let God." Learning to trust a power higher than yourself can help in this area. Another way that spirituality can help is learning to trust that there is a larger purpose in life beyond what we can see. Things happen for a reason, although we may not know why they happen.

Ignoring the Signs of Stress

Many people with anxiety disorders have a long history of ignoring the physical and psychological signs of stress. They push themselves unreasonably, and it eventually catches up with them. Are you ignoring tension in your muscles (jaw, shoulders, forehead), upset in your stomach (bowels included), or fatigue? Are you sleeping enough? Do you have mood swings? Do you feel overwhelmed?

Tips for Noticing the Signs of Stress:

Get in touch with your body. It may have some message to give to you.

• Breathwork can be very helpful. Go to the related article on this web site and read how to do this.
• Relaxation Techniques that can help include meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, bodywork, and massage. See the related articles at the bottom of this page.
• Assertiveness training can be very helpful.
• Develop your sense of humor. Watch funny movies, read funny jokes and books, laugh and have fun!

The Need for Approval

Yes, we all need approval. But the person with anxiety seems to have an excessive need for approval. If you're overly concerned with approval, you will need to address your inner sense of feeling unworthy or somehow flawed. You may be the ultimate pleaser.

Tips for Pleasers:

• Look at the thinking errors that lead to an excessive need for approval. They could be as unrealistic as "If people really knew me, they wouldn't like me." to "If someone doesn't seem friendly to me, it's because I did something wrong."
• Learn to look at criticism objectively. My mother always said, "First consider the source." Do you value that person's opinion? Is this person qualified to make an objective criticism of your work, your skills, your traits? If so, ask for specific details. Decide whether or not it has validity, then decide if it's a good opportunity for you to learn something new.
• Recognize your codependency. And then let it go. A need to be needed can only cause you sorrow. Learn to shift the focus to yourself rather than always having a focus on others.

As you can probably tell, addressing these four traits is a process, a journey of self discovery. This journey will go a bit faster if you do it with a therapist.

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