Perspective–Tools for Tough Times

If you stand high on a mountaintop looking down at the valley below, you have a unique perspective. You can see a bigger picture. Sometimes we need to step back and search for a bigger picture in life. The view is different.

We may not have the same perspective when the crisis has passed. If you're anything like me, you can look back on a past crisis and wonder why you got so upset about it at the time. Because things changed, as they always do.

When you're looking at alternatives, you will often find things you wouldn't have seen had you not been forced to look.

For example, a client of mine was laid off from his job.  He found that he had some marketable skills which he could now focus on full time. It turned out that the crisis was actually an opportunity for growth for him. Here are some practical tips for you to take a bigger perspective during challenging times.

• Be flexible in your thinking. Keep your mind open. It will help you to see the diamond in the pile of coal.

• This too shall pass. There's an ebb and flow to life.  Sometimes life is great; sometimes it's not. Knowing that you've survived rough times before should give you some hope that you can do it again.

• Choose optimism. Decide right now that you're going to see the glass half full, not half empty. Look for the positive in every crisis. It's there. But it may take some looking.

• List the tasks that need to be done. For example, if there has been a death in the family, there may be a lot of things to do. As you start listing those things (call relatives and friends, arrange for the funeral, write an obituary, etc.) you can then see what needs to be done, and what is less important. Number the high priority items by importance.

• Let go of what's not important. As you work with your list of tasks, start eliminating the things that aren't high priority. Let them go.

• Let go of what you can't control. There are certain things in every crisis that you just can't control.  The trick is to identify and then let go of those things.

• Ask the experts. If you have a financial crisis, talk to a financial expert. If it's a legal problem, talk to an attorney. People often forget this important tool.

• Ask yourself, "What am I learning through this crisis?" Write it down. The lessons that we learn in life can help us through the next difficulty.

• Tune into your faith. A lot of people smarter than me have said that we can choose fear or we can choose  faith. What if you absolutely knew that you would be able to find some higher purpose in the crisis that you're going through. Would it make a difference? When pressed, most people can identify the higher purpose from previous rough times. If you choose faith that there is, in fact, some higher purpose for your challenge, would you fight against it so much?

Stop Worrying–A Dozen Practical Tips

Here are some of my favorite tips to eliminate worry, stress,  and anxiety from your life.

Worry is nothing more than a bad habit. And habits can be changed.

Worry Time.

Establish a 10 to 20-minute period of time to list all your worries every morning at the same exact time. This should be before noon every day.

• If you start worrying during the day (other than worry time), yell "STOP! and save your worries for tomorrow. During that time write down all your worries.  At the end of your worry time for the day spend a few minutes planning more realistically for the future.

• Recognize and eliminate “what if” statements. If you hear yourself thinking “what if,” you’re on the road to worry.

• When you hear yourself saying or thinking worrisome thoughts, imagine a stop sign. Say to yourself, “STOP!” Say instead, “I’m OK.”

• Distract yourself with something else.

• Talk to a therapist or trusted friend who can help you to dispute your thoughts.

• Write down your negative thoughts. Examine them for truth.

• Avoid the overthinking trap. Stop focusing on the minutiae of a situation. Let it go!

• Ask yourself, "What's the worst thing that can happen?" Then confront that worst thing by asking yourself, "And then what?" Continue asking these same two questions.

• Ask yourself whether what you are worrying about will really matter in a year's time. If the answer is "yes," then focus your thinking on what you can learn from the experience.

• Take action in solving the problem. Every small step that you take to solve the problem will be a step toward greater well-being.

• Examine your beliefs that cause problems. Question those beliefs.

• Learn to visualize positive outcomes rather than predicting negative outcomes for events. Become an optimist!

Parents’ Checklist: Ways You Can Help Your Addicted Teen

Teenage drug abuse is a growing problem. Here are some commitments you can make to help your addicted teen. These suggestions are intended to help families who are working with a therapist. The therapist can point out which commitments will be most helpful to your family.

_____I’m willing to sit down and listen to my child. Really listen. I’m willing to do this often. I’ll ask my teen what I am doing that gets on his/her nerves. I’ll listen and take notes.

_____I’m willing to give up nagging, lecturing, guilt-tripping, yelling, judging, and moralizing.

_____I’m willing to “let the cat out of the bag.” I know that it takes a village to raise a child. Therefore, I’m willing to set aside my pride, abandon secrecy (except where it would be harmful to do so), sit down with my family and extended family to explain the nature of the problem, ask for help, brainstorm solutions, and really listen to suggestions from family.

_____I’m willing to spend time with my teen every week. Lots of time. I’m willing to attend family activities that may or may not be especially fun for me. I'm willing to spend time, even though I have a lot of work to do. I’m willing to enforce time together with my teen, even if he/she doesn’t want to spend time together.

_____I’m willing to set and enforce strict boundaries about drug/alcohol usage around my family. If my teen’s friend smokes, drinks, or uses drugs, that teen will not be allowed to come to our home. I realize I can’t control what happens outside the home. If I have using friends or family members, they won’t be allowed in the home if they are drunk, stoned, or high. We will not visit them when they are drunk, stoned, or high. No exceptions.

_____I’m willing to educate myself about becoming a drug-free family. I’m willing to read website articles, research areas where I know I’m weak, talk to other parents about the problem, humble myself so that I can listen for help, and ask for resource materials if I can’t find any. I’m willing to attend therapy or classes so that I can learn.

_____I’m willing to improve my parenting skills so that I’m an appropriate parent—not a drill sergeant, not a helicopter, not a marshmallow, and not a friend. I need to be firm, fair, and friendly. If necessary, I’ll sign up for a community class on parenting. I’ll read books on the subject, watch videos, research the internet, and listen to audiobooks. I realize that a strong, healthy relationship with my teen is absolutely vital.

_____I’m willing to look at my own addictions. If I smoke, drink alcohol in excess, or use drugs (even excessive reliance on prescription medications), I’ll get the help I need so that I can quit. If I have other addictions, such as being a workaholic, churchaholic, rageaholic, foodaholic, or even chocaholic, I’ll get myself into treatment so that I can stop. I want to set a good example for my teen. Addiction runs in families. Ultimately, there are no secrets in a family. Sooner or later everyone knows anyway. Better to be honest if I want my teen to be honest.

_____I’ll look at my codependency. I realize that everyone in the family plays a role in the problem. Therefore, I have a role in this also. I’ll seek to find out what my role has been, and how I can change it. Perhaps I’ve been an enabler. I will take the problem seriously and work very hard to quit enabling. I’ll seek help from others, perhaps attend Al Anon, and ask how I can stop enabling.

_____I’ll look for community resources to address our family needs. If I’m a single parent, I’ll find a substitute parent of the opposite sex, a role model, to spend time with my teen.

Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner. Thank you!

Beliefs That Cause Problems

Our behavior is determined by what we believe, whether we know it or not. Anxiety, depression, sadness are all caused by what we believe.

I've listed below the eleven most common beliefs that cause problems. This list is adapted from Albert Ellis, Ph.D., one of the most important originators of cognitive-behavioral therapies. His pioneering research fifty years ago brought an enormous paradigm shift to the world of psychology.

NEGATIVE BELIEFS: ELEVEN BELIEFS THAT CAUSE PROBLEMS

1. I must be loved by everyone.

2. I must be perfect.

3. People who do things I don't like are bad people.

4. Things should be different.

5. It's your fault I feel this way.

6. Something may go wrong; I must worry about it.

7. It's too hard; I can't.

8. I need someone stronger than me to lean on.

9. I can't change.

10. You need me to fix up your life.

11. There's only one right way to do things. I must find that right way.

Now that you've had a chance to look these over, identify the ones that describe your behavior. Don't worry if you have more than one. Most of us have many of these beliefs. The antidote to the previous list is the list below. It's important that you are aware of the beliefs that will NOT cause problems.

POSITIVE BELIEFS: ELEVEN BELIEFS THAT WILL NOT CAUSE PROBLEMS

1. People don't have to love me for me to be OK. I like feeling liked, but I can survive if someone doesn't like me. I don't like everyone, so why should everyone like me? I will still choose to feel good about myself.

2. We all make mistakes. I am still a fine and worthwhile person if I make a mistake. I choose to be gentle with myself.

3. I may not like everything that someone does, but that doesn't make them a bad person. Behaviors have consequences. If someone goes to prison because they mugged someone, that's their consequence. It doesn't mean I need to ruminate about whether they're a bad person or not. I choose to not be judgmental.

4. When we don't accept things the way they are, we're fighting with reality. And that causes stress. I don't need to control things. I may prefer something different, but I choose to not stress myself over things I can't change.

5. I'm responsible for my day. I'm responsible for what I feel and what I do. If I had a good day, I deserve the credit for being positive. If I had a rotten day, I'm the one who allowed it to be that way. It's not the responsibility of other people to change so that I can feel better. I'm in charge of my life.

6. I can handle it when things go wrong. Things usually go just fine. But when they don't, I can handle it. I don't have to waste my energy worrying. The sky won't fall in; I will be OK.

7. It's important to try. I can. Even though I may be faced with difficult tasks and difficult situations, it is better to try than to avoid them. Avoiding them gives me no opportunities for success or joy, but trying does. Things worth having are worth the effort. I may not be able to do everything, but I can do some things.

8. I am capable. I don't have to look outside of myself to find strength. Sure, it's great to have friends and loved ones. But I don't need to depend on others all the time to feel good about myself and life.

9. I can change. It's silly to think that I can't. No matter what my age, I am capable of change. It may seem overwhelming at first, but I can do it.

10. Other people are capable. I don't need to fix up other people's lives to feel good about myself. They are capable. I can care and be of some help, but it's not my job to rescue others.

11. I can be flexible. There's more than one way to solve a problem. Others have valuable ideas. I can be flexible.

If you want to be happy, you must be aware of your beliefs. If you're feeling anything less than happy, you can usually trace those feelings back to one of these problem beliefs.

So, how do you go about changing your beliefs? By becoming aware of which beliefs are causing you problems and then slowly replacing the negative beliefs with positive ones. Don't expect that you'll change all them overnight. It may take months or years to do so. I suggest that you read the list of positive beliefs at least once a week. I've done just that for two decades and have changed my beliefs as a result of that practice.

Accepting What Is

Change is a constant in the universe. All of us need to learn how to adapt to shifting circumstances.  If we are unwilling to change, we begin to die.  We can tenaciously hold on to the past, refuse to budge, and make ourselves depressed and miserable to be around.  But if we are willing to try, be open, and expand into something new, we find that we have increased energy, renewed enthusiasm, and excitement in life.

Change can be difficult. But if you look at it as an opportunity to find new ways to expand and share love and consciousness, it is not  bad.

People who believe that change is there for a reason, a purpose, tend to have fewer problems. They believe that change happens when we're able to use it for our own growth.

Clinging is resisting change. When we cling to some person, mental state, or object, it denies the reality that everything will change one day.  Everything. Everything that you now own will someday belong to someone else. The clinging represents our fear of change.  We're more prone to anxiety and depression. When we resist change, we suffer.

Enjoy things in the moment. We shouldn’t be disappointed when that circumstance changes. Don't judge it as being "good" or "bad." It just is. Moving from one moment to the next in total acceptance allows us to surrender to the cycles of life. Don’t try to force outcomes — let them happen. Be open to what emerges.

Security is an illusion. We have no way to predict the future. We cannot control it. We can try (and we do try), but we fail, all the time. We chalk it up to “plans gone wrong” or making mistakes or not planning for contingencies, but the truth is, we just need to admit we can’t control or predict the future.

So letting go involves accepting “what is” without become pessimistic, complacent, angry or passive. For example, I can accept all four seasons of the year without feeling a need to change a season (as if I could) just because I would prefer to have spring twelve months of the year. If I cling to the thought that winter is bad and spring is good, I cause my own mental suffering. And the seasons remain the same. The only thing that has changed is my state of mind.

There is no fulfillment through desire. Desire only results in more desire. Thus, more suffering. For the past decade I have decided that I can live in harmony with “what is.” And I’ve only reminded myself of that 100,000 times or so.  It has been such a journey.

As you catch yourself judging, and wishing for different — and we all do it — try a different approach: accept, and understand. It might lead to some interesting results.

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu