Moving Beyond Worry

My client's husband was leaving her. And she was very worried. In fact, she worried all day long (and most of the night). There were some very real concerns. She had a lot of problem-solving to do in a very short period of time, and needed to make a lot of life-changing decisions.  She was not doing well. This was probably the worst time in her life to be making decisions.

When we're in a stressful situation, it's difficult to sort things out and to make good decisions. Yet, all of us must do this at one time or another. Let's talk about some of the things that can make this process a little easier.

STOP AWFULIZING

My client was forecasting a dismal future for herself.  None of us know what the future will bring. But awfulizing about what might happen doesn't help. And worrying is like spinning your wheels when you're in hub-cap deep in mud; it gets you nowhere. It makes things worse, in fact. Accept the fact that you're making some changes, and those changes aren't necessarily negative in the long run. Here are some steps that can help:

WRITE DOWN YOUR WORRIES

Rather than have all those random worries floating around in your head, write them down. Keep coming back to the list until you have most of your worries on paper. Here are three of the worries that my client wrote:

1. I'm afraid that I won't have enough money.

2. I'm afraid that I won't be able to afford the house payment.

3. I'm afraid that I won't be able to find a good job.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

The next step is to take those worries and write them differently--stating what you need. So, here is what she wrote:

1. I need to have enough money.

2. I need to be able to afford the house payment.

3. I need to find a good job.

LOOK FOR SOLUTIONS

Brainstorming is the next step. Take your list of needs and think of possible solutions. Not all of the solutions will work for you, but write them anyway. You can ask for help from friends, neighbors, your therapist in helping you to think of possible solutions. When you're brainstorming, write down every idea, even if you doubt that it will work out for you.

1. I need to have enough money. I guess I either need to make more money or reduce my needs. I can always work more than one job. People have offered to pay me for my knitted sweaters. I could knit sweaters. I could ask my old boss to take me back. I could move in with my parents.

2. I need to be able to afford the house payment. I guess I could sell the house. I could give the house back to the bank and walk away. I could take in a roommate. I could offer the house to my husband. I could camp outdoors all summer. I could look for a small apartment to rent.

3. I need to find a good job. I have many talents. Perhaps I can create my own job. I can always clean for others. I could take care of an elderly person in exchange for room and board.

PREPARE TO MAKE SACRIFICES

This, of course, is the difficult part. Sometimes we need to sacrifice some comforts as life steers us in a different path. Rather than kicking and screaming against change, sometimes it just feels better to accept the change, let go of the past, and move on. Here's what my client finally decided:

1. I am staying in my low-stress, low-paying job. I can even knit while answering the phone at my job. Since knitting is fun for me, I will experiment selling sweaters and scarves on a website as well. Maybe it will work out; maybe it won't.

2. I am putting the house up for sale. If it hasn't sold in three months, I will rent it out or take in a roommate.

3. I may look for another job when I'm feeling less stressed and more confident. Now is not the time to be looking for a better job.

PRACTICE RELAXATION SKILLS

Relaxation skills are important, especially when you're stressed. Now is the time to practice yoga, breathwork, hypnosis, guided imagery, and other proven techniques to help you to  relax.

EXERCISE

Research has proven that aerobic exercise will help diminish anxiety and depression. Try it!

Good luck, and call a therapist if you need an appointment.