The Key to Dealing with My Son’s Drug Addiction–Setting Boundaries for Myself

Ron Grover, pictured here, wrote this wonderful article about boundaries:

"I am a hard-headed stubborn guy with the propensity to be a control freak. (I hope there are no other fathers out there like me who are dealing with an addicted child.) It took me a long time to learn that my anger was a result of me not being able to control my son’s addiction. Eventually I learned that, at most, I have a small measure of influence with him. And the only real control I have is over my own self.

When Mom and I first began this nightmare of addiction we heard about boundaries. In my mind that was an easy one. Rules are rules; follow the rules and there would be no trouble. But I learned the hard way — addicts have no concept of rules and how they provide structure to society. If parents of an addict rely upon a set of rules to manage  their addict’s behavior, they will live in an angry and frustrating world.

My famous directive to my son — and it was usually delivered at the top of my lungs — was: “No Lying, No Stealing and No Drugs. JUST WHAT THE HELL IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?!!”

I am finally beginning to understand, “just what the hell was so hard about that.” This has caused me more anger and frustration than just about anything else I’ve dealt with about his addiction. With me, anger and frustration nearly always dissolved into me hollering at him and anyone in the vicinity, resulting in more anger and hurt for all. In a hurting family, that is the last thing you need –  hurt compounded upon hurt.

I have learned that there is a big difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are easy. Rules are set and everyone follows. Boundaries are not rules. Boundaries help direct  your universe when the rules do not apply or are not relevant. My lack of clear boundaries for myself gave me permission and allowed me to justify enabling my son’s drug use. This has probably prolonged his addiction. This is a regret I live with every day.

Boundaries are healthy for you and those surrounding you. I cannot change my addict’s behavior by setting rules. Any success for me in dealing with my son’s addiction is a result of setting good boundaries for myself.

I choose where I want to go –  I no longer allow my addict to take me where he wishes to go. In a simplistic form, I can make a rule directed at my son that he cannot use drugs in my home. The reality is that he is an active addict; he will use drugs in my home. I will become angry because he violated my rule. I have a right to be angry, right? Did it make anything better or change anything? No, we are still at square one. I am angry that he is using drugs in my home, and I feel out of control and helpless. He is feeding his addiction.  All of this happens because I am trying to control something over which I have no control.

But I can establish a boundary – like this: I do not wish to live in a home were drugs are being used illegally. This actually puts everything on me; there is really no reason to become angry. I now have complete control of the situation and I have several options. I am not trying to control him. I get to decide on the actions in my life.

Boundaries must be set after much calm and reasoned thought. Setting boundaries with my addict in the heat of battle resulted in failure every time. Especially because those “boundaries” (really rules) I thought I was setting were being hollered at him and not being set for me. If you are setting boundaries for yourself and using a calm deliberate approach, success can be more easily achieved and you can control your own actions. That works well with the control freak in me. I set my boundaries to match my values.

To be clear, I do not see boundaries as a solid impenetrable barrier like the Berlin Wall, with heavy life-or-death consequences. I see the boundaries that we set for ourselves more like a rope line. There is a clear demarcation of where we decided we should not go and there is self-imposed security to make sure we know there are consequences for crossing the line. But there may be circumstances that necessitate crossing the line and there may be consequences that you or your loved one has to pay for that crossing.

For example, Mom and I have set a boundary about not visiting in jail because jail is punishment. But, our son is in jail and we went to visit him. Why would we go visit and violate our own boundary? Actually, we went for Mom. Mom had been having bad dreams about Alex and in all of her bad dreams Alex was with all of her dead friends and relatives. She was troubled by this. I’m not sure if she puts much stock in that sort of thing as a premonition or something but she was worried. I just look at it as a dream, but it troubled mom so that troubled me. We visited Alex in jail and the visit calmed her worries and she could once again sleep peacefully. If there are consequences to stepping over our boundary we shall deal with them when and if they arise.

Setting good boundaries for yourself allows you, the loved one of an addict, to bring a measure of control and sanity into a truly insane situation."

Meditation for a Peaceful Mind

There are so many reasons why you should try meditation! You'll find that you have less anxiety, less depression, better health, and better relationships. How many practices can claim that? Would you rather take a pill for anxiety or learn to calm your mind and body in a more natural way?  There may be many unwanted side effects from medication (such as feeling "hung over" for hours, not being able to function with normal activities, and developing a dependency on the medication.) Meditation gives you calm and peaceful feelings without the side effects.  And having a peaceful mind is a form of stress protection that can help you to clear your mind of worries.

Greater Resilience

This is not to say that you won’t worry about things ever, but you'll find that worry decreases in both intensity and duration. In addition, you will develop a more effective way of dealing with the stressful situations in your daily life; you'll become more resilient. You will be able to understand situations in a different light and be able to see the situations for what they really are. When your mind is not at peace, it is hard to be happy even under the most pleasant circumstances. In some forms of meditation, you can analyze the thought processes that pass through your mind. When you concentrate deeply on the thoughts and situations of your life, you can reach the point at which you find your own answers to your problems.

Psychological Benefits

Today many types of meditation are recommended by health care professionals as a way of cleansing the mind and emotions of negative thoughts. By meditating, you can benefit from improved concentration and memory. It also helps to help you develop a greater understanding of stressful situations in your daily life so that you can have a greater understanding of the real cause of the problem. Anxiety is reduced dramatically. This helps you approach your problems with less stress because you do not impulsively react with fear, panic, depression, or anger. This, in turn, helps you get along with others much better.

Physical Benefits

Your body also benefits from meditation. When your mind is clear, you are better able to bring healing to the parts of your body that are ill. Meditating helps to improve the overall functioning of your immune system so that your body can fight off disease.  As your body becomes more relaxed, your blood pressure lowers and your heart can pump the blood to the organs of the body.

Morning Meditation

The aim of meditation is to give you a sense of inner peace that you will use throughout your day in all your dealings. This is why it is recommended that you meditate in the morning as soon as you wake. The positive feelings that you bring into your mind and body will then help you cope with your day. I highly recommend meditation for all of the above reasons.

Try it!

Start with a few minutes of silence each morning. It doesn't have to be long. In order to start a new habit, researchers tell us that you're better off doing your new habit a minute or two a day consistently for three weeks than an hour every once in a while. Once the habit is established, you'll want to keep this new habit because your physical and emotional health improve so much. Like anything else worth learning, you'll improve with practice. Let me know how it goes for you!