10 Examples of Clear Boundaries

What are boundaries?

Boundaries help to create healthy relationships. Think of them as a psychological fence between people: this is you, and this is me. We are separate. Our boundaries help to establish guidelines about suitable behavior and responsibilities. Boundaries build "win-win" relationships. I can be good to both you and me through healthy boundaries. If I close the door when I enter the bathroom, I am establishing a physical and psychological boundary: Closing or locking the door means I want to be alone when I’m in the bathroom.

Boundaries are essential if your loved one is an alcoholic or addict. As you claim your power with boundaries, you raise the likelihood that your loved one gets better. Boundary setting is absolutely essential when you're dealing with addiction, particularly teenage drug abuse.

Who needs boundaries?

Everyone needs to have healthy boundaries in relationships. There are three types of people who particularly need boundaries.
1.    DOORMATS~Some people have been raised to believe that martyrdom, self-denial and incessant caretaking are righteous virtues to be practiced to the point of misery. When people are doormats, they allow others to take advantage of them.
2.   ENABLERS~Then there are parents who want to make sure their children have everything they didn't get, and they protected them from every problem and emotion. It's the other side of the coin and it's just as bad. These people create a sense of over-entitlement, over-protection and inflated self esteem in their children.
3.    PLEASERS~ Some people focus so much on pleasing others that they don’t focus on taking care of themselves. They avoid conflict, and have no sense of who they are, what they feel, need, want, or think. They take on the feelings of others as if they are their own. Sometimes they tolerate abuse or disrespectful treatment and can’t see the flaws or weaknesses in others.

Why have boundaries?

·    Boundaries are important to help protect and care for oneself. If you’re not getting the respect that you deserve, take a look at your boundaries.
·    Boundaries are also an important part of raising children. You can’t be a good parent without good boundaries. Not only do you value yourself as you establish boundaries, you're teaching your children to value themselves.
·    Boundaries help you to define yourself. Without boundaries, you won’t know who you are, what you want, or how you feel.
·    Boundaries help to minimize stress and conflict in a relationship. With clear boundaries, there’s nothing to argue about.

Telltale signs that you need better boundaries

·    You’re constantly telling him what to do.
·    You’re warning him about what will happen if he doesn’t do it.
·    You’re bringing up the past of what he did wrong.
·    You’re giving him solutions when he hasn’t asked for them.
·    You’re preaching about what people should and shouldn’t do.
·    You’re criticizing.
·    You’re mind-reading.
·    You’re sending guilt trips.

How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want. It also involves (1) going inside of yourself to figure out what you feel and then (2) clearly communicating that with the other person.

Examples of clear boundaries:

1.    “Yes, I’ll be happy to drive you to the mall as soon as you’re finished with your chores.”
2.    “I want to hear about your day. I’ll be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes."
3.    “You can borrow my CDs just as soon as you replace the one that you damaged.”
4.    “If you put your dirty clothes in the hamper by 9:00 Saturday morning, I’ll be happy to wash them for you.”
5.    “Can I give Jessica a message? Our calling hours are from 9:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m. I’ll let her know that you called.”
6.    “I’m sorry; that doesn’t work for me.  I won’t be loaning you money until you have paid me what I loaned you previously.”
7.    “You’re welcome to live here while you’re going to college as long as you follow our rules.”
8.    “I’m not willing to argue with you.”
9.    “I’ll be happy to talk with you when your voice is as calm as mine.”
10.    “I love you and I’m not willing to call in sick for you when you’ve been drinking.”

Get help.

Boundaries need to be clear, specific, and clearly communicated. You may need to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it before doing so. Practice with someone else who can help you. Good luck!

Help Your Child by Overcoming Your Shame

Parenting an addict is a stressful job. This is a guest post by Ron Grover, pictured here. Thank you, Ron, for sharing your experience.

"When you first discover that your child is addicted to drugs your heart breaks and your stomach churns. What is happening, what did we do wrong?

Our reaction is very personal. As parents we take immediate ownership of this situation. We refuse to see this problem as it is, an addiction. We make excuses, we develop stories and, of course, we make plans to immediately correct this problem; all in an effort to control the situation. We look for someone to blame. Little do we know that this is an issue unlike anything we have ever experienced.

Addiction is not an accepted illness for many in our society uneducated about this disease. For too many people addiction continues to carry the stigma of a weakness of character. As parents of an addict not exposed to addiction we carried that stigma along with the guilt of our own questionable parenting skills. We cling to the belief that if our child would only make a choice not to use again; then this nightmare would be over and everything could go back to normal.

Parenting an addict is not something that is to be done alone. It is not something that should be done alone. This is a disease that touches all of those that love an addict or even casually come in contact with an addict.

As parents we hid what was going on with our son. We wallowed in self pity. We searched the internet for solutions, we read books and articles, no matter how much we searched and tried nothing seemed to work. Our son continued to use and we experienced more stress and more shame.

Finally in desperation it is off to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It’s nearly impossible to say the word. As parents, we stumble, we hedge, we mutter, my son uses drugs. ADDICT: what makes it so hard to say, what makes it so hard to admit? As long as addiction carries a stigma of shame the healing for this disease will not begin for either the addict or the loved one of the addict.

My son is an addict. This statement is freedom but it is not free. To make this statement there is tears, there is heartache and there is a realization that my son is afflicted with a disease in which to date there is no cure.

By opening your life and admission to others you allow others to help you and your child. Something I have found to be absolutely true; those people that love you before your admission will continue to love you when you are able to open yourself up for help. In fact, by opening up I have found wonderful friends struggling with the same issue. Without their support and the support of our family I know we would not be in the position we are in today with our son.

The fact is, if we as individuals and even as a nation continue to treat addiction as our “dirty little secret” and not recognizie it as what it truly is, then we will forever struggle to provide the treatment an addict needs for his or her disease.

My name is Ron and my son is an addict."