Recovering from Codependency

March 16, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Addiction

I have seen so many spouses of addicts who have similar complaints. Last week I had a session with a woman whose husband's pornography addiction has been spinning out of control for many years. I've heard the same laments hundreds of times.

"I'm hurt that he chooses pornography over me."

"Why aren't I good enough for him?"

"I can't compete with the images he looks at online."

For many women, their husband's addiction feels like he's having an affair. I usually advise them, "It's not about you. Addiction is a brain disease." What starts as voluntary behavior becomes increasingly less controlled over time as the practice becomes a habit and then an addiction . Although the neurobiological processes of addiction are still being studied, imaging shows specific abnormalities in the brains of some addicted individuals. Knowing this can help you to feel more understanding and less victimized by the problem.

"So what should I do?"

That's an important question. For every person who loves someone who is addicted, I advise this:

Learn to take good care of YOURSELF. You see, you have a recovery process, too, that needs to be addressed. You need to learn to shift your focus to yourself instead of watching out for your loved one. And learning how to become your own best friend is a big, big job. I would recommend that you get some help for yourself. And be sure to include a support person on your journey to recovery. Attend twelve-step meetings for yourself. It's tough to do it alone.

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