Be Happier by Complaining Less

One very rainy day I met with several clients and kept track of how many complaints about the weather I heard. Twenty-four! Even the cashier in the grocery store complained about the weather. And not one complaint changed the weather. I guess that's my complaint about complaints. Complaining is not effective in creating change. Lily Tomlin tells this joke: "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines “complain” as “to express pain, grief or discontent.” And certainly there are appropriate times that you need to complain. We all have the right to express pain. And yet dozens of complaints every day can have a very negative impact on your health, your relationships, and your quality of life. Studies have shown that complaining about your health actually tends to make your health worse.

From my point of view, incessant complaining is a self-destructive habit. If you want to claim your power, feel happier, and less stressed in life, then stop complaining. Take up assertiveness instead to state the facts. For example, a simple statement of fact ("The shipment didn't arrive as scheduled.") is very different from a complaint ("You people always mess up my orders.")

Here's my advice:

1. Stop and Notice.

Notice every time you whine, judge yourself or others, make nasty comments (even in your head), or negatively vent your feelings. Just take note that you're doing it. Perhaps you can jot it down. Your complaints may be about the weather, your boss, the kids, your spouse, the flavor of the mustard in your sandwich, the crazy drivers on the road, your too tight jeans, your bad hair day, or not having enough time. Count your complaints each day.

2. Analyze for Control.

So many complaints are outside of your control. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change the situation. This would include things like the weather, the other drivers on the road, or your country's foreign policy. If that's the case, you need to let it go. If you can control it, then change it. If you can't control a situation, do you have some influence? Then use your influence in a positive way to effect some change.

3. Analyze for Effectiveness.

Then ask yourself if your complaints helped the matter.  Or did your complaints cause you to focus more on what you didn't want? In other words, is complaining effective as a strategy for getting what you want? If it is, then keep complaining. If not, learn to let go. And give yourself some time to do this. Deeply ingrained habits take some time.

4. Beware of Secondary Gain.

If you just can't give up complaining, then you may want to look at your secondary gains. This is a psychological term meaning the benefits of undesirable behavior. It implies that you're getting something out of complaining that keeps the bad habit in place. It may be personal attention, self-pity, or release from unpleasant responsibilities. You remain in a "victim consciousness." And feeling like a victim contributes to both depression and anxiety. Is that really what you want?

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."          --Maya Angelou

Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner. Thank you!

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