Parents’ Checklist: Ways You Can Help Your Addicted Teen

Teenage drug abuse is a growing problem. Here are some commitments you can make to help your addicted teen. These suggestions are intended to help families who are working with a therapist. The therapist can point out which commitments will be most helpful to your family.

_____I’m willing to sit down and listen to my child. Really listen. I’m willing to do this often. I’ll ask my teen what I am doing that gets on his/her nerves. I’ll listen and take notes.

_____I’m willing to give up nagging, lecturing, guilt-tripping, yelling, judging, and moralizing.

_____I’m willing to “let the cat out of the bag.” I know that it takes a village to raise a child. Therefore, I’m willing to set aside my pride, abandon secrecy (except where it would be harmful to do so), sit down with my family and extended family to explain the nature of the problem, ask for help, brainstorm solutions, and really listen to suggestions from family.

_____I’m willing to spend time with my teen every week. Lots of time. I’m willing to attend family activities that may or may not be especially fun for me. I'm willing to spend time, even though I have a lot of work to do. I’m willing to enforce time together with my teen, even if he/she doesn’t want to spend time together.

_____I’m willing to set and enforce strict boundaries about drug/alcohol usage around my family. If my teen’s friend smokes, drinks, or uses drugs, that teen will not be allowed to come to our home. I realize I can’t control what happens outside the home. If I have using friends or family members, they won’t be allowed in the home if they are drunk, stoned, or high. We will not visit them when they are drunk, stoned, or high. No exceptions.

_____I’m willing to educate myself about becoming a drug-free family. I’m willing to read website articles, research areas where I know I’m weak, talk to other parents about the problem, humble myself so that I can listen for help, and ask for resource materials if I can’t find any. I’m willing to attend therapy or classes so that I can learn.

_____I’m willing to improve my parenting skills so that I’m an appropriate parent—not a drill sergeant, not a helicopter, not a marshmallow, and not a friend. I need to be firm, fair, and friendly. If necessary, I’ll sign up for a community class on parenting. I’ll read books on the subject, watch videos, research the internet, and listen to audiobooks. I realize that a strong, healthy relationship with my teen is absolutely vital.

_____I’m willing to look at my own addictions. If I smoke, drink alcohol in excess, or use drugs (even excessive reliance on prescription medications), I’ll get the help I need so that I can quit. If I have other addictions, such as being a workaholic, churchaholic, rageaholic, foodaholic, or even chocaholic, I’ll get myself into treatment so that I can stop. I want to set a good example for my teen. Addiction runs in families. Ultimately, there are no secrets in a family. Sooner or later everyone knows anyway. Better to be honest if I want my teen to be honest.

_____I’ll look at my codependency. I realize that everyone in the family plays a role in the problem. Therefore, I have a role in this also. I’ll seek to find out what my role has been, and how I can change it. Perhaps I’ve been an enabler. I will take the problem seriously and work very hard to quit enabling. I’ll seek help from others, perhaps attend Al Anon, and ask how I can stop enabling.

_____I’ll look for community resources to address our family needs. If I’m a single parent, I’ll find a substitute parent of the opposite sex, a role model, to spend time with my teen.

Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner. Thank you!

Does Relapse Mean Treatment Failure?

Relapses are Painful

"Relapse should not be viewed as a failure; it is part of a learning process that eventually leads to recovery," says Susan Merle Gordon, Ph.D. Even though relapses are painful for the addict and hurtful to the addict’s loved ones, a relapse can often help the addict discover where his efforts have been incomplete. Unfortunately, many people are under the mistaken impression that a relapse with drugs means that the program failed. Let’s examine why this belief is mistaken.

Addiction is a Disease

Although addiction starts with a choice to use drugs or alcohol, it can progress to disease proportions in many people. Addiction is a pervasive, progressive, chronic disease. Pervasive means that it affects every area of the person’s life. Progressive means that it gets worse and worse over time. Chronic diseases are diseases of long duration and generally slow progression. Examples of chronic diseases and conditions are heart disease, obesity, osteoporosis, diabetes, asthma, arthritis, Alzheimer’s Disease and other dementias, and cancer.

Three Dog Nightmare

Chuck Negron, vocalist and founding member of the band, Three Dog Night, is a good example of how the disease of addiction can progress. Although he’s an extreme case, his struggle with addiction is illuminating. Remaining in the grip of addiction for nearly 20 years, Negron wasted away to 126 pounds and went through 36 rehab programs. In his book Three Dog Nightmare, he details his ordeal with this painful disease. He sold his gold records to subsidize his $2000 a day heroin habit. He talks about overdoses, car crashes, gun play, suicide attempts, and contracting hepatitis C. Did he hit bottom? Many, many times. And yet the disease of addiction ruled his life for decades. He has been clean and sober since his 37th rehab. That doesn’t mean that the 36 prior rehabilitation programs were a waste of time and money. He clearly states that he learned important things from each one of the recovery programs that he went through. And he slowly made important life changes that helped him on his journey to sobriety. And as he matured, he began to look at his selfish, self-destructive path with more clarity. Each one of those 37 rehabs played a part in his recovery and helped him to look at himself.

How Many People Relapse?

Terence Gorski, internationally-famous lecturer and author on relapse and addiction states: “Relapse is not necessarily a sign of treatment failure. Between one half and two-thirds of all patients treated will relapse, but at least one half of all relapsers will find long-term recovery. The belief that relapse means that treatment failed ignores the fact that, for many patients, recovery involves a series of relapse episodes. Each relapse, if properly dealt with in treatment, can become the learning experience which makes the patient less likely to relapse in the future."
A woman that I’ve seen off and on in psychotherapy for the past 10 years has made great progress in addressing her chronic disease. Her path in addressing obesity has been typical of so many recovering addicts. She gained and lost well over 1000 pounds. She would diet, then binge. She felt sabotaged by every social event, birthday party, special holiday and Sunday dinner. She “cheated” on her diet (a relapse in recovery terms) many times and gave up on herself many times. As we slowly worked on her self esteem and identity, she made baby steps in changing her habits. Today she is at her ideal weight and has been at that weight for three years. Has she completely conquered obesity? Heavens, no. She’ll need to be vigilant about her habits the rest of her life. But she is absolutely not sabotaging her health the way that she was ten years ago. “Cheating” today involves eating a 1 inch square of birthday cake (rather than the whole cake ten years ago).

This Disease is Complex

The disease of addiction is extremely complex. Overcoming it involves learning new skills, new habits, allowing the brain (and organs) time to recover, making new friends, and learning how to make self-enhancing choices. This takes time—often years. Parents who take teenage drug abuse seriously and get help for their teens are helping this process to begin.  Any stepping stone along the path to recovery is helpful.

Recovery is a Process

And this process takes time. Recovery is not an event. That's why you don't hear people in AA say, "I'm a recovered alcoholic. They say, "I'm an alcoholic." They don't know what tomorrow will bring. None of us want them to relapse, but it's not uncommon if it does happen.

The ultimate purpose of treatment is to keep the patient alive until the addiction is finally controlled. Addiction too often results in suicide or accidental death by overdose, experimentation, or contaminated products.

Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this article  may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner.

Varieties of Parental Denial About Teenage Drug Abuse

• Minimizing-- “It’s not so bad. He only smokes pot.”

• Accepting the Con-- Your child manipulates you. You choose  to believe him or her.

• Ignoring the Advice of “outsiders” “It’s none of their business.”

• The Blame Game--(to your ex) “I hope you’re happy now. Look what you’ve done to your son.”

• Looking for Another Cause--“Tell me it’s anything but drugs.” A learning disability, depression, a health problem, ADHD

• Kids Will Be Kids--“When I was his age, I used drugs, too. I turned out OK.”

• Everything’s Fine-- If I ignore this situation, maybe it will all go away.

• Rationalizing “He’s had a hard life because he has diabetes.”

Sometimes when parents come out of the fog of denial, they become very hard on themselves and start blaming themselves excessively. For those parents who are blaming themselves, my advice is this:

Stop!

It won't help the situation to blame yourself. Did you bend her little elbow to take that first drink? Did you hold his fingers to hold that first joint of marijuana? No matter what problems exist in the family, ask yourself this: WHO USED? Your teen used OF HIS OWN FREE WILL. Don’t forget that. He did it knowing that it violates values and rules in our society. He did it knowing right from wrong. He did it FEARING that he would be caught. HE did it. Not you. He didn’t do it because you were too strict with him or because his parents got a divorce or because you work too hard. He probably first did it because his friends told him it felt good and he was curious. Or maybe he just wanted to be liked. Blaming yourself will NOT help your teen.

Parents’ Denial Checklist

Denial--It ain't just a river in Egypt. These questions may help you to pull your head out of the sand (in case it is). With teenage drug abuse being the enormous problem that it is now, any of these questions could strike a nerve; you may have a problem. If several of them seem frighteningly familiar, you probably do have a problem. And if you recognize them, you could need further help.

• Does your child have red eyes most of the time? Does he have his own supply of eye drops?

• Are you ignoring changes in your child’s behavior? Changes in his personality? Changes in his grades?

• Do you attribute unacceptable behavior to “being a teenager”?

• Do you blame your spouse or “the divorce” for your child’s problems?

• When your spouse or outsiders suggest that your child may have a problem with drugs or alcohol, do you listen? Or do you just get mad at the accuser?

• Are you feeling like a failure as a parent?

• Do you buy your child’s story that the drugs and/or paraphernalia that was found in his room or his car “belongs to a friend”?

• If you are a working mother, do you blame yourself for your child’s problems because you’re not in the home? If you’re a working father, do you blame yourself for your child’s problems because you have to work such long hours or you’re on the road a lot?

• If you went into your child’s room right now, would you find any signs of drugs? What would you do if you did?

• Are you blaming divorce or the absence of one parent in the home for your child’s behavior?

• Are you feeling anxious about the problems your child is having adjusting to growing up?

• Has your child admitted to trying marijuana? Will he talk to you about it?

• Does your child say that he only “smoked pot”? Do you believe him?

If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may want to seek the help of a therapist.

The Rules of a Drug-Free Family

Teenage drug abuse is rampant. One of the protective factors that you can add is setting the rules for having a drug-free family. If you choose to have a drug-free family, here are the six basic rules:

1. No illegal drug use by anyone in the family or anyone who comes into the home

2. No misuse of prescription or over-the-counter drugs by anyone

3. No alcohol use by minority-age kids in the family

4. No routine use of alcohol or cigarettes by adults—that is, no use pattern that communicates drinking or smoking as an important or necessary daily function

5. No intoxication by adults

6. No use of drugs to lose weight, gain weight, go to sleep, relax, or wake up

Why Can’t The Alcoholic See What is Happening?

Everyone ELSE can see what is happening. So, why can't they? Here are a few reasons:

• Social dependence distorts my perception of what is normal. Everyone in my group is living the same way that I am. My way of living is just NORMAL!

• Enabling removes some of the consequences. For years people around me covered up for me, made excuses for me, bailed me out, reduced the pain and the consequences of my choices. Then they wonder why I can’t see that my problems are related to my choices.

• My psychological defenses trick me (and yours trick you). Even if I get fired, expelled, divorced or abandoned, it is their fault, not mine.

• State dependent learning removes the impact by the time I’m sober again. The pain, embarrassment, and shame that I may experience while intoxicated is very real at the time. When sober, it’s just a hazy fog. Addiction can be tricky that way.

• Withdrawal learning confirms my distorted view. What happens when I stop drinking? I get sick—sometimes VERY sick! When I drink again, I get “well.” So, drinking saves my life!

• Impaired abstract thinking blocks understanding cause and effect. Drinking impairs the brain’s ability to link cause and effect. Problems don’t occur EVERY time I drink!

• Memory blackouts erase some of the problems. If I get in a fight when I’m drunk, my blackout prevents me from remembering the occurrence. To me, it didn’t happen, no matter what other people say or do.

These are just a few of the possible reasons why the alcoholic can't see what is happening. Of course, there are more.

The Five Fond Hopes of Addiction

One of the characteristics of alcoholism is denial. As they say in AA, "We have a disease that tells us we don't have a disease." Denial manifests itself in many ways.

1. It can never happen to me. Alcoholism or drug addiction can happen to anyone who makes enough high-risk choices.
2. I’ll see my trigger level coming, and I’ll stop making high-risk choices. In reality, by the time I see the problem, the problem is probably already there. It’s now too late to prevent it.
3. I can’t have alcoholism if I don’t drink every day. The fact is, most people who drink every day don’t have alcoholism. Many people with alcoholism don’t drink every day. They just drink a lot when they do drink. If it were true, most Europeans would have alcoholism, and they don’t.
4. I can prove I don’t have alcoholism by abstaining from alcohol. This is based on the belief that people with alcoholism must drink every day, which isn’t true. Some people believe that if they can stop drinking for a few weeks or months, they can then control their drinking which proves that they don’t have alcoholism. Abstaining from alcohol doesn’t prove anything. Wanting or needing to prove something by abstaining, however, is often a symptom of alcoholism. What people with alcoholism cannot do is consistently drink within the low-risk range.
5. If I do have alcoholism, I can control it by cutting down on my drinking. I don’t have to abstain from alcohol forever. Alcoholism cannot be controlled through drinking. Alcoholism can only be treated with total and complete abstinence.

Three recommended websites  providing information about  addiction and alcoholism are:

Alcoholism Signs and Symptoms
Mayo Clinic Information about Alcoholism
Addiction DVD by HBO

What resources do you recommend for conquering alcoholism?

Stages of Addiction in Alcoholism

 

STAGE	CHARACTERISTICS OF THIS STAGE	LONG TERM PHYSICAL CHANGES	MENTAL CHANGES
4   50% of all drinkers progress to this stage	Physical dependence: “I DO need it.” Your alcoholism is apparent to everyone around you EXCEPT yourself because you now believe your own lies. This stage is characterized by high tolerance (you have to drink to feel normal at this point), withdrawal, loss of control, and efforts to control the drinking. (“I only drink on weekends or I’ll only take $10 to the bar.”) Problems with relationships, missed days at work, DUI, etc.	Permanent brain changes. Even if you stop drinking, you can’t go back to being a non-alcoholic. Tolerance varies as the body breaks down. Physical deterioration—appearance, organ-related illnesses, early death or recovery	Alcohol is a primary focus of existence. It is more important than ANYTHING ELSE! Relationships are problematic. You don’t have the ability to empathize with others’ feelings. You don’t want to stop drinking despite life-damaging consequences
3   Serious problems	Psychological dependence: “I feel I need it.” Preoccupation with drinking—obtaining and protecting one’s supply of alcohol, drinking, and associating with people who drink ORDrinking alone Alcohol is the person’s “best friend”—It’s fun, pleasurable, always there for me. When I want to celebrate, I turn to this friend. When I need comfort, I think of this friend. It does not argue with me. It’s like having a love affair.	Increasing tolerance Blackouts, withdrawal symptoms (hangover IS withdrawal), physical deterioration—liver, heart, brain, kidneys, pancreas. Drinking more drives up the tolerance which then causes the person to drink more. Downward spiral.	Defensiveness, blaming, excuses, denial, rationalization, justification, social group selection is based on whether or not they drink. You associate with people who drink. Divorce is common at this stage. Protecting your supply.
2   Alcohol is becoming a problem	Anticipating drinking: “I want it. I’m looking forward to the weekend party where I’ll be drinking.” Drinking to get drunk Drinking is a very important part of having fun If alcohol is NOT being served at the party, I may choose to go elsewhere where I can drink	Tolerance increases (drinking more and more over time for the same desired effect)	Remembering what you learn when drunk only when you’re drunk. Intellectual, social, emotional, and ethical retardation starts in this stage. Thinking is dulled.
1	“I can take it or leave it.” Not drinking at all OR Never drinks more than one drink in one hour; two total drinks occasionally (as an adult over 21 if there is no one in the family who has had a problem with alcohol).	None Feels mildly relaxed (not impaired) May become slightly flushed or slightly ill	None

Know the Enemy: Drug Education

DRUG	POSSIBLE EFFECTS	POSSIBLE OVERDOSE EFFECTS	HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSER
Alcohol	Acts as a depressant, dehydration, hyperactivity, nausea, headache, heartburn, thirst, giddiness	Insomnia, delirium, hallucinations, convulsions, loss of memory	Puffy face, red eyes, depressed, disoriented
Inhalants—gasoline, lighter fluid, wite-out, aerosol cans of any type	Very alert, keen senses, possible hallucinations, dizziness, tightness in the chest.	Hands become dry, chapped and may peel, brain damage, death	Slow mental and physical response to conversations, scrambled words, disconnected sentences, teen smells like the substance used
Depressants (Downers): Noctec, Somnos, Nembutal, Seconal, Valium, Miltown, Quaalude, Ativan	Slurred speech, loss of coordination, disorientation, drunken behavior	Shallow breathing, cold and clammy skin, dilated pupils, weak and rapid pulse, coma, death	The appearance of drunkenness without the smell of alcohol. Sedated behavior
Marijuana (pot, grass, bud, joint, reefer)	Euphoria, relaxed inhibitions, disoriented behavior	Fatigue, paranoia, possible psychosis	Abusers may appear exhilarated or very relaxed, stare off into space, be hilarious without apparent cause, have an exaggerated sense of their abilities. Red eyes.
Hallucinogens (LSD, PCP, Peyote, Mescaline)	Poor perception of time and distance, Illusions and hallucinations	Longer and more intense “trip” episodes, psychosis, death	May undergo personality changes, “see” smells, “hear” colors. They may try to fly, brush imaginary insects from their body. Irrational behavior. Marked depersonalization
Mushrooms	Cold sweats accompanied by hallucinations	Stomach cramps, nausea, blackouts	Beady eyes, nervous, uptight, erratic behavior, sweaty, laughing and crying
Narcotics (painkillers): Opium, morphine, heroin, Dilaudid, Paregoric, Percodan	Euphoria, drowsiness, respiratory depression, constricted pupils, nausea	Slow and shallow breathing, clammy skin, convulsions, coma, death	Constricted pupils, calm, inattentive, “on the nod,” with slow pulse and respiration
Stimulants: Cocaine, methamphetamines, dexedrine and others	Increased alertness, excitation, dilated pupils, Increased pulse rate and blood pressure, insomnia, loss of appetite	Agitation, hallucinations, convulsions, psychosis, death	Increase in activity, abnormal cheerfulness, jumpiness, irritability, hallucinations, paranoid tendencies

Drug Testing

I often advise parents to do regular drug tests at home after professionals have determined that their teen has a problem with substance abuse.  This is one of the easiest and most powerful things that a parent can do to prevent drug addiction as long as the teenager is willing to be compliant with this request.  I sometimes help parents to write a contract with their teen that stipulates certain privileges based on clean tests.

Parents can buy inexpensive FDA-approved drug testing kits. I've listed the approximate times that drugs can be detected in the urine in the table below. These are only general guidelines and depend on the drug metabolism and half-life, the teen's physical condition, the teen's fluid balance and state of hydration, and the route and frequency of ingestion.

Detectability of Selected Drugs

Drug	Duration of Detectability
Alcohol	EtG/EtS test detects alcohol up to 80 hours after consumption
Amphetamine	2 - 4 days
Methamphetamine	2 - 4 days
Barbiturates	2 - 4 days; phenobarbital--up to 30 days
Benzodiazepines	up to 30 days
Cocaine metabolites	12 - 72 hours
Methadone	2 - 4 days
Opiates (heroin, codeine, morphine)	2 - 4 days
Marijuana (THC)	2 - 7 days for the casual user;  up to 30 days for the habitual user
PCP	2 - 7 days for the casual user;  up to 30 days for the habitual user

If a test reads positive for drugs, it's important for parents to sit down with their teen and talk about the results in a calm, rational, non-blaming manner. Don't just to conclusions, don't yell, don't threaten. Calmly ask about their last date of usage. If teens know that you're not going to overreact, they're far more likely to be honest.

« Previous Page — Next Page »