10 Examples of Clear Boundaries

What are boundaries?

Boundaries help to create healthy relationships. Think of them as a psychological fence between people: this is you, and this is me. We are separate. Our boundaries help to establish guidelines about suitable behavior and responsibilities. Boundaries build "win-win" relationships. I can be good to both you and me through healthy boundaries. If I close the door when I enter the bathroom, I am establishing a physical and psychological boundary: Closing or locking the door means I want to be alone when I’m in the bathroom.

Boundaries are essential if your loved one is an alcoholic or addict. As you claim your power with boundaries, you raise the likelihood that your loved one gets better. Boundary setting is absolutely essential when you're dealing with addiction, particularly teenage drug abuse.

Who needs boundaries?

Everyone needs to have healthy boundaries in relationships. There are three types of people who particularly need boundaries.
1.    DOORMATS~Some people have been raised to believe that martyrdom, self-denial and incessant caretaking are righteous virtues to be practiced to the point of misery. When people are doormats, they allow others to take advantage of them.
2.   ENABLERS~Then there are parents who want to make sure their children have everything they didn't get, and they protected them from every problem and emotion. It's the other side of the coin and it's just as bad. These people create a sense of over-entitlement, over-protection and inflated self esteem in their children.
3.    PLEASERS~ Some people focus so much on pleasing others that they don’t focus on taking care of themselves. They avoid conflict, and have no sense of who they are, what they feel, need, want, or think. They take on the feelings of others as if they are their own. Sometimes they tolerate abuse or disrespectful treatment and can’t see the flaws or weaknesses in others.

Why have boundaries?

·    Boundaries are important to help protect and care for oneself. If you’re not getting the respect that you deserve, take a look at your boundaries.
·    Boundaries are also an important part of raising children. You can’t be a good parent without good boundaries. Not only do you value yourself as you establish boundaries, you're teaching your children to value themselves.
·    Boundaries help you to define yourself. Without boundaries, you won’t know who you are, what you want, or how you feel.
·    Boundaries help to minimize stress and conflict in a relationship. With clear boundaries, there’s nothing to argue about.

Telltale signs that you need better boundaries

·    You’re constantly telling him what to do.
·    You’re warning him about what will happen if he doesn’t do it.
·    You’re bringing up the past of what he did wrong.
·    You’re giving him solutions when he hasn’t asked for them.
·    You’re preaching about what people should and shouldn’t do.
·    You’re criticizing.
·    You’re mind-reading.
·    You’re sending guilt trips.

How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want. It also involves (1) going inside of yourself to figure out what you feel and then (2) clearly communicating that with the other person.

Examples of clear boundaries:

1.    “Yes, I’ll be happy to drive you to the mall as soon as you’re finished with your chores.”
2.    “I want to hear about your day. I’ll be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes."
3.    “You can borrow my CDs just as soon as you replace the one that you damaged.”
4.    “If you put your dirty clothes in the hamper by 9:00 Saturday morning, I’ll be happy to wash them for you.”
5.    “Can I give Jessica a message? Our calling hours are from 9:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m. I’ll let her know that you called.”
6.    “I’m sorry; that doesn’t work for me.  I won’t be loaning you money until you have paid me what I loaned you previously.”
7.    “You’re welcome to live here while you’re going to college as long as you follow our rules.”
8.    “I’m not willing to argue with you.”
9.    “I’ll be happy to talk with you when your voice is as calm as mine.”
10.    “I love you and I’m not willing to call in sick for you when you’ve been drinking.”

Get help.

Boundaries need to be clear, specific, and clearly communicated. You may need to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it before doing so. Practice with someone else who can help you. Good luck!

Three Things I Admire

My good friend and colleague, Carolyn, died today. I’ve thought about all the things that I’ve learned from her over the years. I’m so grateful for the things that she taught me. Here are my top three things that I admire about Carolyn:

1.    Our Wound is Our Gift.

Carolyn really understood that our "wound" is our gift. The greater our struggles and challenges, the more we have to give to others when we learn the lessons that those challenges provided. We become inspirations and models as well as teachers and guides. We are not here just for ourselves, but for something much greater.

She was an alcoholic who relapsed a number of times over a period of thirty years. She had a necklace made of dozens of 30-day chips from Alcoholics Anonymous. (Chips are the little circular pieces of plastic that you receive at an AA meeting when you’ve had thirty days of sobriety.) She became a drug and alcohol counselor because she REALLY understood addictions. And she helped thousands of alcoholics and addicts. She was loved by everyone. And she knew that she was no better than anyone else because of her wound.

2.    A Positive Attitude is a Choice.

I really admired Carolyn’s joie de vivre. Even as she was dying, she joked and laughed with us. She knew how to handle the stress. She wasn’t about to suddenly become depressed about dying. I can’t remember a time when Carolyn wasn’t excited about life. I believe she was able to be so happy because she worked on having a positive attitude and was fully present. She didn’t have a negative story running through her mind, like, “This is just awful.” She could always put a positive spin on any event that appeared to be negative.

3.    It's Not About the Money.

Even though Carolyn lived on social security, she was rich. She didn’t have money, but she was rich in friendships, rich in laughter, rich with stories, rich in experiences. She placed little value on money and lots of value on what really counts in life. We will miss her.

Why Can’t The Alcoholic See What is Happening?

Everyone ELSE can see what is happening. So, why can't they? Here are a few reasons:

• Social dependence distorts my perception of what is normal. Everyone in my group is living the same way that I am. My way of living is just NORMAL!

• Enabling removes some of the consequences. For years people around me covered up for me, made excuses for me, bailed me out, reduced the pain and the consequences of my choices. Then they wonder why I can’t see that my problems are related to my choices.

• My psychological defenses trick me (and yours trick you). Even if I get fired, expelled, divorced or abandoned, it is their fault, not mine.

• State dependent learning removes the impact by the time I’m sober again. The pain, embarrassment, and shame that I may experience while intoxicated is very real at the time. When sober, it’s just a hazy fog. Addiction can be tricky that way.

• Withdrawal learning confirms my distorted view. What happens when I stop drinking? I get sick—sometimes VERY sick! When I drink again, I get “well.” So, drinking saves my life!

• Impaired abstract thinking blocks understanding cause and effect. Drinking impairs the brain’s ability to link cause and effect. Problems don’t occur EVERY time I drink!

• Memory blackouts erase some of the problems. If I get in a fight when I’m drunk, my blackout prevents me from remembering the occurrence. To me, it didn’t happen, no matter what other people say or do.

These are just a few of the possible reasons why the alcoholic can't see what is happening. Of course, there are more.