Please Stop Pleasing

Alex Lickerman, M.D., wrote an interesting article called "The Good Guy Contract." He had a habit of being a pleaser and couldn't stop, even when he wanted to stop. He writes, "The Good Guy Contract was simple; I would agree to be nice to you, to advise you, to sacrifice for you--and in return you would agree to believe that I was wise, compassionate, and excellent as a human being in every way. And, most importantly, you would like me." When he finally saw what he was doing, he stopped doing it. He's one of the lucky few who was able to stop immediately. We should all be that fortunate.

But, what's wrong about people pleasing, you say? It's nice to be nice. And we all enjoy being liked and loved. Here's the thing: people pleasers contribute to family dysfunction. They are the ones who come to therapy, confused about their teen's irresponsible behavior, depressed about their spouse's alcoholism, and anxious to fix somebody else. Their focus is always on someone else because that's the nature of their problem.

Take This Easy Test

1.  Do you consider your own needs, wants, and desires in a relationship or are you more likely to put others' needs, wants, and desires first?

2.  Does your self esteem suffer when you're criticized, even if the criticism is not true?

3.  Do you have a habit of sacrificing your plans, desires, or needs in a caring relationship?

4. Do you often confuse pity with love?

5.  Are you generally a conflict avoider?

6.  When things go wrong, do you usually blame yourself?

7.  Do you stay attached when most everyone else tells you that you need to detach?

8. When a relationship is dragging you down, do you still put the other person's needs or opinions first?

9. Do you have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility to the point that you think it's your job to fix others?

10. Early in your life did you learn to set your own feelings aside to care for others?

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, you're probably a pleaser. And that's not good. You may have been the unwitting contributor to relationship dysfunction. You may be prone to depression and/or anxiety because of your pleasing pattern. Rather than set limits and follow through with consequences, you may have decided to plead, nag, cajole, beg, threaten, or send guilt trips. And how is that working for you?

Tear Up Your "Good Guy Contract"

If you're a chronic people pleaser who can't stand to disappoint others when disappointing them is appropriate, then you have a great opportunity to become happier. As an added bonus,  loved ones often get better when you stop your pleasing pattern. Boundaries and limits are more effective teaching tools. You'll learn to value yourself more as you make important changes. Dr. Alex Lickerman recommends the following:

• Assess your people-pleasing tendencies. Take the test and answer honestly. Ask a friend to give you feedback on the test.

• Practice disappointing people. Say no. Set limits. Write a script of how you're going to refuse a favor, and read it to someone else first. Try it out.

• Keep the payoff in mind. You're going to be happier in the long run. People will respect you more as you stop your pleasing pattern. And you'll be a lot more authentic.

Most pleasers do not give up their pleasing patterns easily. It often takes years to learn a new way of relating. Go to therapy and stay there until you make significant changes in your life. Good luck, and let me know how it goes.

Enabled or Disabled?

When you're the parent of a substance abuser, it's often difficult to decide what to do. On the one hand, you love your child (no matter how old they are) and want to do everything possible to help your child, particularly if they seem to be missing some basic life skills (such as budgeting their money or paying their bills on time).  On the other hand, you don't want to enable them to continue to use drugs or drink alcohol. Addictions can be tricky. Let me give you a real-life example:

My oldest brother began to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol in high school. Marijuana came shortly after that. My parents often didn't know what to do. Naturally, they did the best that they could, but it wasn’t enough. When he was eighteen, my brother joined the Marines. Five painful years later, he was discharged. He had a habit of going AWOL and had to make up his time for doing so. When my dad was assigned by the military to work in Taiwan, they had little time to decide what to do with my twenty-something brother.

Weeks before my parents were to be transferred to Taiwan for two years, they set my adult brother up in an apartment in Denver and found a job for him working in a gas station two blocks away from his new apartment. They asked themselves, "Are we enabling him?" Two years later when they returned, my brother was nowhere to be found. The gas station owner said that he only showed up for a few weeks before he took off. We saw him a few times over the next decade. He would visit for a week or two, and then leave. We knew that he was struggling with substance abuse and alcoholism, but we didn't know that substance abuse and mental illness are often associated with each other.

When we saw him, he would talk about the voices in his head that told him what to do. Clearly he was in need of psychiatric help. But this was the 70s, and my parents weren’t very tuned in to seeking help. Jim talked about riding the rails (as a bum) all over the USA. He introduced us to some of his very interesting homeless friends, who also heard voices. He tried a few jobs over the years, but never stayed with a job. He needed to be free. And he needed to do what the voices told him to do.

Then my parents moved again and there was no way to notify Jim. So we lost touch with him for twenty-five years. Twenty-five years! When my sister located him through the Salvation Army, we were all grateful.

My brother is schizophrenic. Thank heavens he now lives with my widowed dad and they take care of each other. My parents took him in and made sure that he got enough to eat each day. He’s clearly disabled, but doing well as long as he takes his medications (which he does as a condition of living there). He no longer smokes, drinks, or uses illicit drugs. This was also a condition of living at home. And Jim was just plain tired of living the life of a homeless man. He was in sad shape when we found him—thin, toothless, and frightened.

So, what do parents do when they have an adult substance abusing child who clearly needs help? Talk to a professional….at length. You've got to figure out if your loved one is disabled or enabled. It's too difficult for a family to try to make these kind of distinctions on their own. There are often no easy answers. Boundaries and rules need to be clearly defined. Love needs to be shown. A contract needs to be made in many cases. But I’m here to tell you, there are often very happy endings. Good luck and God bless.

The Five Fond Hopes of Addiction

One of the characteristics of alcoholism is denial. As they say in AA, "We have a disease that tells us we don't have a disease." Denial manifests itself in many ways.

1. It can never happen to me. Alcoholism or drug addiction can happen to anyone who makes enough high-risk choices.
2. I’ll see my trigger level coming, and I’ll stop making high-risk choices. In reality, by the time I see the problem, the problem is probably already there. It’s now too late to prevent it.
3. I can’t have alcoholism if I don’t drink every day. The fact is, most people who drink every day don’t have alcoholism. Many people with alcoholism don’t drink every day. They just drink a lot when they do drink. If it were true, most Europeans would have alcoholism, and they don’t.
4. I can prove I don’t have alcoholism by abstaining from alcohol. This is based on the belief that people with alcoholism must drink every day, which isn’t true. Some people believe that if they can stop drinking for a few weeks or months, they can then control their drinking which proves that they don’t have alcoholism. Abstaining from alcohol doesn’t prove anything. Wanting or needing to prove something by abstaining, however, is often a symptom of alcoholism. What people with alcoholism cannot do is consistently drink within the low-risk range.
5. If I do have alcoholism, I can control it by cutting down on my drinking. I don’t have to abstain from alcohol forever. Alcoholism cannot be controlled through drinking. Alcoholism can only be treated with total and complete abstinence.

Three recommended websites  providing information about  addiction and alcoholism are:

Alcoholism Signs and Symptoms
Mayo Clinic Information about Alcoholism
Addiction DVD by HBO

What resources do you recommend for conquering alcoholism?

Stages of Addiction in Alcoholism

 

STAGE	CHARACTERISTICS OF THIS STAGE	LONG TERM PHYSICAL CHANGES	MENTAL CHANGES
4   50% of all drinkers progress to this stage	Physical dependence: “I DO need it.” Your alcoholism is apparent to everyone around you EXCEPT yourself because you now believe your own lies. This stage is characterized by high tolerance (you have to drink to feel normal at this point), withdrawal, loss of control, and efforts to control the drinking. (“I only drink on weekends or I’ll only take $10 to the bar.”) Problems with relationships, missed days at work, DUI, etc.	Permanent brain changes. Even if you stop drinking, you can’t go back to being a non-alcoholic. Tolerance varies as the body breaks down. Physical deterioration—appearance, organ-related illnesses, early death or recovery	Alcohol is a primary focus of existence. It is more important than ANYTHING ELSE! Relationships are problematic. You don’t have the ability to empathize with others’ feelings. You don’t want to stop drinking despite life-damaging consequences
3   Serious problems	Psychological dependence: “I feel I need it.” Preoccupation with drinking—obtaining and protecting one’s supply of alcohol, drinking, and associating with people who drink ORDrinking alone Alcohol is the person’s “best friend”—It’s fun, pleasurable, always there for me. When I want to celebrate, I turn to this friend. When I need comfort, I think of this friend. It does not argue with me. It’s like having a love affair.	Increasing tolerance Blackouts, withdrawal symptoms (hangover IS withdrawal), physical deterioration—liver, heart, brain, kidneys, pancreas. Drinking more drives up the tolerance which then causes the person to drink more. Downward spiral.	Defensiveness, blaming, excuses, denial, rationalization, justification, social group selection is based on whether or not they drink. You associate with people who drink. Divorce is common at this stage. Protecting your supply.
2   Alcohol is becoming a problem	Anticipating drinking: “I want it. I’m looking forward to the weekend party where I’ll be drinking.” Drinking to get drunk Drinking is a very important part of having fun If alcohol is NOT being served at the party, I may choose to go elsewhere where I can drink	Tolerance increases (drinking more and more over time for the same desired effect)	Remembering what you learn when drunk only when you’re drunk. Intellectual, social, emotional, and ethical retardation starts in this stage. Thinking is dulled.
1	“I can take it or leave it.” Not drinking at all OR Never drinks more than one drink in one hour; two total drinks occasionally (as an adult over 21 if there is no one in the family who has had a problem with alcohol).	None Feels mildly relaxed (not impaired) May become slightly flushed or slightly ill	None