Be Happier by Complaining Less

One very rainy day I met with several clients and kept track of how many complaints about the weather I heard. Twenty-four! Even the cashier in the grocery store complained about the weather. And not one complaint changed the weather. I guess that's my complaint about complaints. Complaining is not effective in creating change. Lily Tomlin tells this joke: "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines “complain” as “to express pain, grief or discontent.” And certainly there are appropriate times that you need to complain. We all have the right to express pain. And yet dozens of complaints every day can have a very negative impact on your health, your relationships, and your quality of life. Studies have shown that complaining about your health actually tends to make your health worse.

From my point of view, incessant complaining is a self-destructive habit. If you want to claim your power, feel happier, and less stressed in life, then stop complaining. Take up assertiveness instead to state the facts. For example, a simple statement of fact ("The shipment didn't arrive as scheduled.") is very different from a complaint ("You people always mess up my orders.")

Here's my advice:

1. Stop and Notice.

Notice every time you whine, judge yourself or others, make nasty comments (even in your head), or negatively vent your feelings. Just take note that you're doing it. Perhaps you can jot it down. Your complaints may be about the weather, your boss, the kids, your spouse, the flavor of the mustard in your sandwich, the crazy drivers on the road, your too tight jeans, your bad hair day, or not having enough time. Count your complaints each day.

2. Analyze for Control.

So many complaints are outside of your control. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change the situation. This would include things like the weather, the other drivers on the road, or your country's foreign policy. If that's the case, you need to let it go. If you can control it, then change it. If you can't control a situation, do you have some influence? Then use your influence in a positive way to effect some change.

3. Analyze for Effectiveness.

Then ask yourself if your complaints helped the matter.  Or did your complaints cause you to focus more on what you didn't want? In other words, is complaining effective as a strategy for getting what you want? If it is, then keep complaining. If not, learn to let go. And give yourself some time to do this. Deeply ingrained habits take some time.

4. Beware of Secondary Gain.

If you just can't give up complaining, then you may want to look at your secondary gains. This is a psychological term meaning the benefits of undesirable behavior. It implies that you're getting something out of complaining that keeps the bad habit in place. It may be personal attention, self-pity, or release from unpleasant responsibilities. You remain in a "victim consciousness." And feeling like a victim contributes to both depression and anxiety. Is that really what you want?

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."          --Maya Angelou

Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner. Thank you!

Perspective–Tools for Tough Times

If you stand high on a mountaintop looking down at the valley below, you have a unique perspective. You can see a bigger picture. Sometimes we need to step back and search for a bigger picture in life. The view is different.

We may not have the same perspective when the crisis has passed. If you're anything like me, you can look back on a past crisis and wonder why you got so upset about it at the time. Because things changed, as they always do.

When you're looking at alternatives, you will often find things you wouldn't have seen had you not been forced to look.

For example, a client of mine was laid off from his job.  He found that he had some marketable skills which he could now focus on full time. It turned out that the crisis was actually an opportunity for growth for him. Here are some practical tips for you to take a bigger perspective during challenging times.

• Be flexible in your thinking. Keep your mind open. It will help you to see the diamond in the pile of coal.

• This too shall pass. There's an ebb and flow to life.  Sometimes life is great; sometimes it's not. Knowing that you've survived rough times before should give you some hope that you can do it again.

• Choose optimism. Decide right now that you're going to see the glass half full, not half empty. Look for the positive in every crisis. It's there. But it may take some looking.

• List the tasks that need to be done. For example, if there has been a death in the family, there may be a lot of things to do. As you start listing those things (call relatives and friends, arrange for the funeral, write an obituary, etc.) you can then see what needs to be done, and what is less important. Number the high priority items by importance.

• Let go of what's not important. As you work with your list of tasks, start eliminating the things that aren't high priority. Let them go.

• Let go of what you can't control. There are certain things in every crisis that you just can't control.  The trick is to identify and then let go of those things.

• Ask the experts. If you have a financial crisis, talk to a financial expert. If it's a legal problem, talk to an attorney. People often forget this important tool.

• Ask yourself, "What am I learning through this crisis?" Write it down. The lessons that we learn in life can help us through the next difficulty.

• Tune into your faith. A lot of people smarter than me have said that we can choose fear or we can choose  faith. What if you absolutely knew that you would be able to find some higher purpose in the crisis that you're going through. Would it make a difference? When pressed, most people can identify the higher purpose from previous rough times. If you choose faith that there is, in fact, some higher purpose for your challenge, would you fight against it so much?

Stop Worrying–A Dozen Practical Tips

Here are some of my favorite tips to eliminate worry, stress,  and anxiety from your life.

Worry is nothing more than a bad habit. And habits can be changed.

Worry Time.

Establish a 10 to 20-minute period of time to list all your worries every morning at the same exact time. This should be before noon every day.

• If you start worrying during the day (other than worry time), yell "STOP! and save your worries for tomorrow. During that time write down all your worries.  At the end of your worry time for the day spend a few minutes planning more realistically for the future.

• Recognize and eliminate “what if” statements. If you hear yourself thinking “what if,” you’re on the road to worry.

• When you hear yourself saying or thinking worrisome thoughts, imagine a stop sign. Say to yourself, “STOP!” Say instead, “I’m OK.”

• Distract yourself with something else.

• Talk to a therapist or trusted friend who can help you to dispute your thoughts.

• Write down your negative thoughts. Examine them for truth.

• Avoid the overthinking trap. Stop focusing on the minutiae of a situation. Let it go!

• Ask yourself, "What's the worst thing that can happen?" Then confront that worst thing by asking yourself, "And then what?" Continue asking these same two questions.

• Ask yourself whether what you are worrying about will really matter in a year's time. If the answer is "yes," then focus your thinking on what you can learn from the experience.

• Take action in solving the problem. Every small step that you take to solve the problem will be a step toward greater well-being.

• Examine your beliefs that cause problems. Question those beliefs.

• Learn to visualize positive outcomes rather than predicting negative outcomes for events. Become an optimist!

Beliefs That Cause Problems

Our behavior is determined by what we believe, whether we know it or not. Anxiety, depression, sadness are all caused by what we believe.

I've listed below the eleven most common beliefs that cause problems. This list is adapted from Albert Ellis, Ph.D., one of the most important originators of cognitive-behavioral therapies. His pioneering research fifty years ago brought an enormous paradigm shift to the world of psychology.

NEGATIVE BELIEFS: ELEVEN BELIEFS THAT CAUSE PROBLEMS

1. I must be loved by everyone.

2. I must be perfect.

3. People who do things I don't like are bad people.

4. Things should be different.

5. It's your fault I feel this way.

6. Something may go wrong; I must worry about it.

7. It's too hard; I can't.

8. I need someone stronger than me to lean on.

9. I can't change.

10. You need me to fix up your life.

11. There's only one right way to do things. I must find that right way.

Now that you've had a chance to look these over, identify the ones that describe your behavior. Don't worry if you have more than one. Most of us have many of these beliefs. The antidote to the previous list is the list below. It's important that you are aware of the beliefs that will NOT cause problems.

POSITIVE BELIEFS: ELEVEN BELIEFS THAT WILL NOT CAUSE PROBLEMS

1. People don't have to love me for me to be OK. I like feeling liked, but I can survive if someone doesn't like me. I don't like everyone, so why should everyone like me? I will still choose to feel good about myself.

2. We all make mistakes. I am still a fine and worthwhile person if I make a mistake. I choose to be gentle with myself.

3. I may not like everything that someone does, but that doesn't make them a bad person. Behaviors have consequences. If someone goes to prison because they mugged someone, that's their consequence. It doesn't mean I need to ruminate about whether they're a bad person or not. I choose to not be judgmental.

4. When we don't accept things the way they are, we're fighting with reality. And that causes stress. I don't need to control things. I may prefer something different, but I choose to not stress myself over things I can't change.

5. I'm responsible for my day. I'm responsible for what I feel and what I do. If I had a good day, I deserve the credit for being positive. If I had a rotten day, I'm the one who allowed it to be that way. It's not the responsibility of other people to change so that I can feel better. I'm in charge of my life.

6. I can handle it when things go wrong. Things usually go just fine. But when they don't, I can handle it. I don't have to waste my energy worrying. The sky won't fall in; I will be OK.

7. It's important to try. I can. Even though I may be faced with difficult tasks and difficult situations, it is better to try than to avoid them. Avoiding them gives me no opportunities for success or joy, but trying does. Things worth having are worth the effort. I may not be able to do everything, but I can do some things.

8. I am capable. I don't have to look outside of myself to find strength. Sure, it's great to have friends and loved ones. But I don't need to depend on others all the time to feel good about myself and life.

9. I can change. It's silly to think that I can't. No matter what my age, I am capable of change. It may seem overwhelming at first, but I can do it.

10. Other people are capable. I don't need to fix up other people's lives to feel good about myself. They are capable. I can care and be of some help, but it's not my job to rescue others.

11. I can be flexible. There's more than one way to solve a problem. Others have valuable ideas. I can be flexible.

If you want to be happy, you must be aware of your beliefs. If you're feeling anything less than happy, you can usually trace those feelings back to one of these problem beliefs.

So, how do you go about changing your beliefs? By becoming aware of which beliefs are causing you problems and then slowly replacing the negative beliefs with positive ones. Don't expect that you'll change all them overnight. It may take months or years to do so. I suggest that you read the list of positive beliefs at least once a week. I've done just that for two decades and have changed my beliefs as a result of that practice.

Accepting What Is

Change is a constant in the universe. All of us need to learn how to adapt to shifting circumstances.  If we are unwilling to change, we begin to die.  We can tenaciously hold on to the past, refuse to budge, and make ourselves depressed and miserable to be around.  But if we are willing to try, be open, and expand into something new, we find that we have increased energy, renewed enthusiasm, and excitement in life.

Change can be difficult. But if you look at it as an opportunity to find new ways to expand and share love and consciousness, it is not  bad.

People who believe that change is there for a reason, a purpose, tend to have fewer problems. They believe that change happens when we're able to use it for our own growth.

Clinging is resisting change. When we cling to some person, mental state, or object, it denies the reality that everything will change one day.  Everything. Everything that you now own will someday belong to someone else. The clinging represents our fear of change.  We're more prone to anxiety and depression. When we resist change, we suffer.

Enjoy things in the moment. We shouldn’t be disappointed when that circumstance changes. Don't judge it as being "good" or "bad." It just is. Moving from one moment to the next in total acceptance allows us to surrender to the cycles of life. Don’t try to force outcomes — let them happen. Be open to what emerges.

Security is an illusion. We have no way to predict the future. We cannot control it. We can try (and we do try), but we fail, all the time. We chalk it up to “plans gone wrong” or making mistakes or not planning for contingencies, but the truth is, we just need to admit we can’t control or predict the future.

So letting go involves accepting “what is” without become pessimistic, complacent, angry or passive. For example, I can accept all four seasons of the year without feeling a need to change a season (as if I could) just because I would prefer to have spring twelve months of the year. If I cling to the thought that winter is bad and spring is good, I cause my own mental suffering. And the seasons remain the same. The only thing that has changed is my state of mind.

There is no fulfillment through desire. Desire only results in more desire. Thus, more suffering. For the past decade I have decided that I can live in harmony with “what is.” And I’ve only reminded myself of that 100,000 times or so.  It has been such a journey.

As you catch yourself judging, and wishing for different — and we all do it — try a different approach: accept, and understand. It might lead to some interesting results.

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu

Relaxation Techniques

Relaxation techniques are a form of stress protection and can help you to enjoy a better quality of life. These relaxation techniques are so much more than sitting in front of the tv, enjoying a hobby, or talking with friends. The techniques in this article have been proven to help decrease the wear and tear of life's challenges on your mind and body. They will help to reduce anxiety and depression.

Benefits of Relaxation

• Slowing your heart rate
• Lowering blood pressure
• Slowing your breathing rate
• Reducing the need for oxygen
• Increasing blood flow to major muscles
• Reducing muscle tension
• Fewer physical symptoms, such as headaches and back pain
• Fewer emotional responses, such as anger and frustration
• More energy
• Improved concentration
• Greater ability to handle problems
• More efficiency in daily activities

Types of Relaxation

• Yoga
• Tai chi
• Breathwork
• Listening to Music
• Exercise
• Meditation
• Hypnosis
• Massage
• Biofeedback

Even looking at a beautiful photo can help to relax you. It doesn't matter which form of relaxation you use. What matters is that you do something for stress protection often.

The Complaint Sandwich

Rather than feeling resentments about someone, rather than nagging or yelling, learn to deliver bad news in a complaint sandwich. If you have a parent, a child, a friend, or co-worker, you have probably run into situations where you've had a complaint or criticism about them. This is where a lot of people feel anxiety. You need to deliver some bad news, negative feedback, or *helpful* advice. This is a part of assertiveness training--expressing a complaint. If you really want the other person to listen to what you have to say, you ought to package it in a complaint sandwich. You'll want to eliminate the possibility of feeling guilt about the conversation later, so practice what you have to say before you say it. Here's how it works.

Praise

The bottom piece of bread is what you like or admire. Examples:

To your son: "I liked the way that you picked up all your toys and put them in the toy chest. Thanks for doing that."

To your spouse: "Thanks for picking me up from work. I appreciate the fact that you had to go out of your way to do that for me."

To your co-worker: "You did a nice job on that project. It looks terrific!"

The Complaint

Ready? We're now at the difficult part, the meat in the middle--the negative feedback or complaint.

To your son: "I noticed that all your dirty clothes are under your bed. Would you please put those in the hamper?"

To your spouse: "I've been waiting for forty-five minutes and wondering if I told you the wrong time." (You didn't.)

To your co-worker: "I wish you had included me in the process since we were asked to do it together."

Praise

You always put the praise on the end, too. This is the top piece of bread in the sandwich. Without doing this, you run the risk of offending the person or having them not hear you at all.

To your son: "I'm so proud of you. You've come a long way."

To your spouse: "However, I really appreciate the fact that you came to get me. Thanks so much for doing that."

To your co-worker: "But you did a really nice job on it and deserve all the recognition for doing this."

Get the idea? Find a way to put this little complaint sandwich in use today. You'll feel better about yourself when you do this. Also, you'll bolster the self esteem of your listeners. Give it a try!

Anxiety–The Traits That Keep You Stuck

People who are prone to anxiety tend to share certain personality traits. Some of these traits are positive--such as empathetic, sensitive, creative, intuitive, and amiable. These are the traits that endear these people to their friends and relatives.

Other traits tend to aggravate anxiety and interfere with relationships. These traits are:

• Perfectionism
• An excessive need for control
• A tendency to ignore the signs of stress
• An excessive need for approval

Let's look at these traits more closely. Perhaps you can start to identify, work with, and change these traits that provoke your anxiety.

Perfectionism

Perhaps you're overly concerned with small flaws and mistakes in yourself and/or others. You may have expectations about yourself, others, and life that are just unrealistically high. When anything falls short of those expectations, you feel disappointed and perhaps become critical. Nothing is ever good enough. And you perhaps drive yourself to the point of stress, exhaustion, and even burnout. Your self esteem suffers. You don't value yourself.

Tips for Perfectionists:

• Recognize your thinking errors. Are you using the words "should, must, ought, have to, or got to" in your thoughts (e.g., "I should be able to do this." "I must not make a mistake."
• Let go of the idea that your worth is determined by your accomplishments. You're not a human doing, you're a human being.
• Stop magnifiying the importance of small errors. We all make them. Let it go!
• Focus on what's right. A positive point of view can really help in this area.
• Make your goals realistic.

The Need to Control

You want life to be predictable. This is the opposite of faith; trusting the process of life. And you probably have very good reasons for not trusting the flow of life. But, if you want to eliminate anxiety and be more happy, you're going to have to let go of this need to control.

Tips for Control Freaks:

Here are some practical strategies that can work for you. Keep in mind that the cultivation of these strategies take time.

• Cultivate patience. When I'm in a hurry, out shopping and in a long line, I use this silent affirmation: "I'm practicing my patience virtue." For me, this is a good time to check the voice mail on my cell phone, read a magazine, tell myself positive thoughts, and perhaps think about what I'm going to prepare for dinner.
• Trusting that most problems eventually work themselves out. We don't know what the future holds for us, so it's best to choose to trust life.
• Acceptance. This is big. A sense of humor will help with this. Very often things don't go our way. And that's OK. (By the way, those are the precise words that I tell myself--"That's OK.") If you have the irrational belief that things ought to be a certain way, you're in trouble. You're swimming against the current of life, and you're going to get hurt. Learn to go with the flow and accept things the way they are.
• Developing your spirituality. In AA, we talk about "Let go, and let God." Learning to trust a power higher than yourself can help in this area. Another way that spirituality can help is learning to trust that there is a larger purpose in life beyond what we can see. Things happen for a reason, although we may not know why they happen.

Ignoring the Signs of Stress

Many people with anxiety disorders have a long history of ignoring the physical and psychological signs of stress. They push themselves unreasonably, and it eventually catches up with them. Are you ignoring tension in your muscles (jaw, shoulders, forehead), upset in your stomach (bowels included), or fatigue? Are you sleeping enough? Do you have mood swings? Do you feel overwhelmed?

Tips for Noticing the Signs of Stress:

Get in touch with your body. It may have some message to give to you.

• Breathwork can be very helpful. Go to the related article on this web site and read how to do this.
• Relaxation Techniques that can help include meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, bodywork, and massage. See the related articles at the bottom of this page.
• Assertiveness training can be very helpful.
• Develop your sense of humor. Watch funny movies, read funny jokes and books, laugh and have fun!

The Need for Approval

Yes, we all need approval. But the person with anxiety seems to have an excessive need for approval. If you're overly concerned with approval, you will need to address your inner sense of feeling unworthy or somehow flawed. You may be the ultimate pleaser.

Tips for Pleasers:

• Look at the thinking errors that lead to an excessive need for approval. They could be as unrealistic as "If people really knew me, they wouldn't like me." to "If someone doesn't seem friendly to me, it's because I did something wrong."
• Learn to look at criticism objectively. My mother always said, "First consider the source." Do you value that person's opinion? Is this person qualified to make an objective criticism of your work, your skills, your traits? If so, ask for specific details. Decide whether or not it has validity, then decide if it's a good opportunity for you to learn something new.
• Recognize your codependency. And then let it go. A need to be needed can only cause you sorrow. Learn to shift the focus to yourself rather than always having a focus on others.

As you can probably tell, addressing these four traits is a process, a journey of self discovery. This journey will go a bit faster if you do it with a therapist.

Meditation for Stress Reduction

What do you think of when meditation is mentioned?  Buddhist monks sitting in monasteries on mountaintops? That’s what I pictured. Did you know that more than 1,000 scientific articles have been published on the subject of meditation? Impressive research tells us that meditation induces a sense of well-being and emotional balance. It helps to reduce the body’s reaction to stress. And let’s face it. Stress is a killer.

Researchers at the Maharishi School of Management in Fairfield, Iowa, found that meditation has an enormous impact on stress reduction. When they examined a group who had meditated for four months they saw that they produced less of the stress hormone cortisol. They were therefore better able to adapt to stress in their lives, no matter what their circumstances were.

So, just what is meditation? I would say that it is focused attention on reality. It's connecting with all that is and being in the present moment. It's deep relaxation however you want to do it--whether you're walking, running, cycling, sitting in a yoga class, lying on your bed or being mindful of the present moment as you do the dishes. I find breathwork the easiest process to enter this focused attention.

Psychological Benefits

• Increased feelings of vitality and rejuvenation
• Increased happiness
• Increased emotional stability
• Decreased anxiety
• Decreased depression
• Greater creativity
• Decreased irritability and moodiness
• Improved learning ability and memory
• Increased insight and wisdom

Physiological benefits

• Deep rest (as measured by decreased metabolic rate, and lower heart rate)
• Lowered levels of cortisol and lactate (two chemicals associated with stress)
• Improved blood pressure
• Drop in cholesterol levels
• Improved flow of air to the lungs
• Significant slowing of the aging process

Give meditation a try. You'll find that you will value yourself more and come back to it again and again.

Eliminate the Shoulds

If you want a guaranteed failure, tell yourself that you should reach your goal. I should diet. I should exercise. I should read more. I should have people over for dinner. Blah blah blah.

Should, shouldn’t, must, mustn’t, ought, have to, got to, need to--are all equal opportunity offenders. Eliminate all of them from your language. You can do that by first noticing how often you say them. Have someone you know alert you if you say them. And then you’ll be able to stop yourself mid-word. Gradually you’ll be able to eliminate them altogether as you value yourself more.

As I said, shoulds are a setup for failure. Here’s why. As soon as your inner critic says, “I should exercise more” your inner rebellious self says, “Watch me. No way am I going to do that!” You become divided. And then you sabotage your own success as a way of rebelling against the shoulds!

So, take my word on this: shoulds won’t get you where you want to go. Focus instead on asking, “What is it that I truly WANT?”

“But, Kathie,” you say,” won’t I just become selfish if I do that?”

No. Because we’re going to add something to the question. Here it is: “Knowing that I have values and that there are consequences for every decision that I make, what is it I truly want?”

So, my alarm may go off at 5:00 a.m. to get up and go to the gym. I ask myself the question “Knowing that I have values and that there are consequences for every decision that I make, what is it I truly want?” Do I  want to stay in bed and sleep some more? Sure! However, I want the consequence that comes from having a good workout. See how it works? It's all about training yourself to see results in the long run, not the short run.

This gets easier over time as you value yourself more. Don’t expect yourself to do this perfectly. Be gentle with yourself.

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