10 Examples of Clear Boundaries

What are boundaries?

Boundaries help to create healthy relationships. Think of them as a psychological fence between people: this is you, and this is me. We are separate. Our boundaries help to establish guidelines about suitable behavior and responsibilities. Boundaries build "win-win" relationships. I can be good to both you and me through healthy boundaries. If I close the door when I enter the bathroom, I am establishing a physical and psychological boundary: Closing or locking the door means I want to be alone when I’m in the bathroom.

Boundaries are essential if your loved one is an alcoholic or addict. As you claim your power with boundaries, you raise the likelihood that your loved one gets better. Boundary setting is absolutely essential when you're dealing with addiction, particularly teenage drug abuse.

Who needs boundaries?

Everyone needs to have healthy boundaries in relationships. There are three types of people who particularly need boundaries.
1.    DOORMATS~Some people have been raised to believe that martyrdom, self-denial and incessant caretaking are righteous virtues to be practiced to the point of misery. When people are doormats, they allow others to take advantage of them.
2.   ENABLERS~Then there are parents who want to make sure their children have everything they didn't get, and they protected them from every problem and emotion. It's the other side of the coin and it's just as bad. These people create a sense of over-entitlement, over-protection and inflated self esteem in their children.
3.    PLEASERS~ Some people focus so much on pleasing others that they don’t focus on taking care of themselves. They avoid conflict, and have no sense of who they are, what they feel, need, want, or think. They take on the feelings of others as if they are their own. Sometimes they tolerate abuse or disrespectful treatment and can’t see the flaws or weaknesses in others.

Why have boundaries?

·    Boundaries are important to help protect and care for oneself. If you’re not getting the respect that you deserve, take a look at your boundaries.
·    Boundaries are also an important part of raising children. You can’t be a good parent without good boundaries. Not only do you value yourself as you establish boundaries, you're teaching your children to value themselves.
·    Boundaries help you to define yourself. Without boundaries, you won’t know who you are, what you want, or how you feel.
·    Boundaries help to minimize stress and conflict in a relationship. With clear boundaries, there’s nothing to argue about.

Telltale signs that you need better boundaries

·    You’re constantly telling him what to do.
·    You’re warning him about what will happen if he doesn’t do it.
·    You’re bringing up the past of what he did wrong.
·    You’re giving him solutions when he hasn’t asked for them.
·    You’re preaching about what people should and shouldn’t do.
·    You’re criticizing.
·    You’re mind-reading.
·    You’re sending guilt trips.

How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want. It also involves (1) going inside of yourself to figure out what you feel and then (2) clearly communicating that with the other person.

Examples of clear boundaries:

1.    “Yes, I’ll be happy to drive you to the mall as soon as you’re finished with your chores.”
2.    “I want to hear about your day. I’ll be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes."
3.    “You can borrow my CDs just as soon as you replace the one that you damaged.”
4.    “If you put your dirty clothes in the hamper by 9:00 Saturday morning, I’ll be happy to wash them for you.”
5.    “Can I give Jessica a message? Our calling hours are from 9:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m. I’ll let her know that you called.”
6.    “I’m sorry; that doesn’t work for me.  I won’t be loaning you money until you have paid me what I loaned you previously.”
7.    “You’re welcome to live here while you’re going to college as long as you follow our rules.”
8.    “I’m not willing to argue with you.”
9.    “I’ll be happy to talk with you when your voice is as calm as mine.”
10.    “I love you and I’m not willing to call in sick for you when you’ve been drinking.”

Get help.

Boundaries need to be clear, specific, and clearly communicated. You may need to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it before doing so. Practice with someone else who can help you. Good luck!

The Key to Dealing with My Son’s Drug Addiction–Setting Boundaries for Myself

Ron Grover, pictured here, wrote this wonderful article about boundaries:

"I am a hard-headed stubborn guy with the propensity to be a control freak. (I hope there are no other fathers out there like me who are dealing with an addicted child.) It took me a long time to learn that my anger was a result of me not being able to control my son’s addiction. Eventually I learned that, at most, I have a small measure of influence with him. And the only real control I have is over my own self.

When Mom and I first began this nightmare of addiction we heard about boundaries. In my mind that was an easy one. Rules are rules; follow the rules and there would be no trouble. But I learned the hard way — addicts have no concept of rules and how they provide structure to society. If parents of an addict rely upon a set of rules to manage  their addict’s behavior, they will live in an angry and frustrating world.

My famous directive to my son — and it was usually delivered at the top of my lungs — was: “No Lying, No Stealing and No Drugs. JUST WHAT THE HELL IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?!!”

I am finally beginning to understand, “just what the hell was so hard about that.” This has caused me more anger and frustration than just about anything else I’ve dealt with about his addiction. With me, anger and frustration nearly always dissolved into me hollering at him and anyone in the vicinity, resulting in more anger and hurt for all. In a hurting family, that is the last thing you need –  hurt compounded upon hurt.

I have learned that there is a big difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are easy. Rules are set and everyone follows. Boundaries are not rules. Boundaries help direct  your universe when the rules do not apply or are not relevant. My lack of clear boundaries for myself gave me permission and allowed me to justify enabling my son’s drug use. This has probably prolonged his addiction. This is a regret I live with every day.

Boundaries are healthy for you and those surrounding you. I cannot change my addict’s behavior by setting rules. Any success for me in dealing with my son’s addiction is a result of setting good boundaries for myself.

I choose where I want to go –  I no longer allow my addict to take me where he wishes to go. In a simplistic form, I can make a rule directed at my son that he cannot use drugs in my home. The reality is that he is an active addict; he will use drugs in my home. I will become angry because he violated my rule. I have a right to be angry, right? Did it make anything better or change anything? No, we are still at square one. I am angry that he is using drugs in my home, and I feel out of control and helpless. He is feeding his addiction.  All of this happens because I am trying to control something over which I have no control.

But I can establish a boundary – like this: I do not wish to live in a home were drugs are being used illegally. This actually puts everything on me; there is really no reason to become angry. I now have complete control of the situation and I have several options. I am not trying to control him. I get to decide on the actions in my life.

Boundaries must be set after much calm and reasoned thought. Setting boundaries with my addict in the heat of battle resulted in failure every time. Especially because those “boundaries” (really rules) I thought I was setting were being hollered at him and not being set for me. If you are setting boundaries for yourself and using a calm deliberate approach, success can be more easily achieved and you can control your own actions. That works well with the control freak in me. I set my boundaries to match my values.

To be clear, I do not see boundaries as a solid impenetrable barrier like the Berlin Wall, with heavy life-or-death consequences. I see the boundaries that we set for ourselves more like a rope line. There is a clear demarcation of where we decided we should not go and there is self-imposed security to make sure we know there are consequences for crossing the line. But there may be circumstances that necessitate crossing the line and there may be consequences that you or your loved one has to pay for that crossing.

For example, Mom and I have set a boundary about not visiting in jail because jail is punishment. But, our son is in jail and we went to visit him. Why would we go visit and violate our own boundary? Actually, we went for Mom. Mom had been having bad dreams about Alex and in all of her bad dreams Alex was with all of her dead friends and relatives. She was troubled by this. I’m not sure if she puts much stock in that sort of thing as a premonition or something but she was worried. I just look at it as a dream, but it troubled mom so that troubled me. We visited Alex in jail and the visit calmed her worries and she could once again sleep peacefully. If there are consequences to stepping over our boundary we shall deal with them when and if they arise.

Setting good boundaries for yourself allows you, the loved one of an addict, to bring a measure of control and sanity into a truly insane situation."

Whose Hands are on Your Steering Wheel?

Imagine yourself in the driver's seat of your car. You're all ready to go. Whose hands are on your steering wheel? Who is driving your life? So many people that I see say that everyone else's hands are all over the steering wheel--parents, spouse, boss, children, and so on. In fact, quite a few clients don't even see their own hands on their steering wheel!

If you would like to feel less victimized, you'll need to firmly and politely remove everyone else's hands from your steering wheel. Claim your power! Whose life is it anyway? They've got their own steering wheels! Can you imagine what it would be like to drive a car with four hands on your steering wheel? As you come to value yourself more and more, you'll find yourself politely by firmly removing other people's hands from the steering wheel of your life.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that you should be rude, aggressive, or selfish. And in a marriage, you learn to work cooperatively with each other in a balanced interdependence.  Just be aware of your rights and your boundaries.

"Value yourself. The only people who appreciate a doormat are those with dirty shoes."  --Leo Buscaglia

Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner.