Varieties of Parental Denial About Teenage Drug Abuse

• Minimizing-- “It’s not so bad. He only smokes pot.”

• Accepting the Con-- Your child manipulates you. You choose  to believe him or her.

• Ignoring the Advice of “outsiders” “It’s none of their business.”

• The Blame Game--(to your ex) “I hope you’re happy now. Look what you’ve done to your son.”

• Looking for Another Cause--“Tell me it’s anything but drugs.” A learning disability, depression, a health problem, ADHD

• Kids Will Be Kids--“When I was his age, I used drugs, too. I turned out OK.”

• Everything’s Fine-- If I ignore this situation, maybe it will all go away.

• Rationalizing “He’s had a hard life because he has diabetes.”

Sometimes when parents come out of the fog of denial, they become very hard on themselves and start blaming themselves excessively. For those parents who are blaming themselves, my advice is this:

Stop!

It won't help the situation to blame yourself. Did you bend her little elbow to take that first drink? Did you hold his fingers to hold that first joint of marijuana? No matter what problems exist in the family, ask yourself this: WHO USED? Your teen used OF HIS OWN FREE WILL. Don’t forget that. He did it knowing that it violates values and rules in our society. He did it knowing right from wrong. He did it FEARING that he would be caught. HE did it. Not you. He didn’t do it because you were too strict with him or because his parents got a divorce or because you work too hard. He probably first did it because his friends told him it felt good and he was curious. Or maybe he just wanted to be liked. Blaming yourself will NOT help your teen.

Parents’ Denial Checklist

Denial--It ain't just a river in Egypt. These questions may help you to pull your head out of the sand (in case it is). With teenage drug abuse being the enormous problem that it is now, any of these questions could strike a nerve; you may have a problem. If several of them seem frighteningly familiar, you probably do have a problem. And if you recognize them, you could need further help.

• Does your child have red eyes most of the time? Does he have his own supply of eye drops?

• Are you ignoring changes in your child’s behavior? Changes in his personality? Changes in his grades?

• Do you attribute unacceptable behavior to “being a teenager”?

• Do you blame your spouse or “the divorce” for your child’s problems?

• When your spouse or outsiders suggest that your child may have a problem with drugs or alcohol, do you listen? Or do you just get mad at the accuser?

• Are you feeling like a failure as a parent?

• Do you buy your child’s story that the drugs and/or paraphernalia that was found in his room or his car “belongs to a friend”?

• If you are a working mother, do you blame yourself for your child’s problems because you’re not in the home? If you’re a working father, do you blame yourself for your child’s problems because you have to work such long hours or you’re on the road a lot?

• If you went into your child’s room right now, would you find any signs of drugs? What would you do if you did?

• Are you blaming divorce or the absence of one parent in the home for your child’s behavior?

• Are you feeling anxious about the problems your child is having adjusting to growing up?

• Has your child admitted to trying marijuana? Will he talk to you about it?

• Does your child say that he only “smoked pot”? Do you believe him?

If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may want to seek the help of a therapist.

Drug and Alcohol Abuse Spectrum

Drug and alcohol abuse is not an all-or-nothing problem. We can put it on a continuum, a spectrum that ranges from total abstinence to dependence. The purpose of this article is to explain that spectrum.

Abstinence--This means that the person does not use drugs or drink alcohol at all. Perhaps he or she drank in the past, but does not do so now.

Use--This phase of drug and alcohol abuse is often referred to as "experimenting."  The person can take it or leave it at this stage.

Misuse--Drug and alcohol abuse which is harmful to self or others is usually in this phase. Perhaps the use impacts school, job, or family. Perhaps the person is misusing prescription drugs (taking more than what is prescribed) or drinking alcohol before the legal age of consumption. It hasn't become a regular pattern...yet. The most common pattern in this stage is occasional binge drinking and drugging.

Abuse--When drug and alcohol abuse is planned and systematic, it's a pattern. The person may drink more than what he/she intended to drink. Tolerance increases. He/she has to drink or use more in order to get the same effect. Alcohol blackouts may occur. He/she may believe that drug or alcohol abuse is required for good times. Some negative patterns have started. The person may rationalize and glamorize their usage. The battle cry, "Marijuana should be legal" is common in this stage. The person is very close to being a full-fledged addict/alcoholic.  The brain does not function as well and some important changes have taken place in the brain. The person usually doesn't notice the changes, but others may.

Dependence--At this stage the person feels compelled to use drugs or drink alcohol. There's control of the drug and alcohol abuse at this stage once it starts. Everything in the person's life begins to revolve around the chemical misuse, planning to use, and cravings for the drug of choice. He/she thinks about it every day and begins to associate almost exclusively with other addicts/alcoholics. Nothing else in the person's life is as important as their drug of choice. Problems emerge, but the person may not notice or may not care. Criminal activities are common in this stage. The disease is well-established and must be addressed. If it's not addressed, the person may suffer a premature death, prison, or institutions.

The last person to recognize these stages in him or herself is the addict/alcoholic. Denial is a part of the disease, so the person doesn't see it. However, others may be able to identify where the person is on the drug and alcohol abuse spectrum.