The Complaint Sandwich
March 17, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Communication, Self Esteem
Rather than feeling resentments about someone, rather than nagging or yelling, learn to deliver bad news in a complaint sandwich. If you have a parent, a child, a friend, or co-worker, you have probably run into situations where you've had a complaint or criticism about them. This is where a lot of people feel anxiety. You need to deliver some bad news, negative feedback, or *helpful* advice. This is a part of assertiveness training--expressing a complaint. If you really want the other person to listen to what you have to say, you ought to package it in a complaint sandwich. You'll want to eliminate the possibility of feeling guilt about the conversation later, so practice what you have to say before you say it. Here's how it works.
Praise
The bottom piece of bread is what you like or admire. Examples:
To your son: "I liked the way that you picked up all your toys and put them in the toy chest. Thanks for doing that."
To your spouse: "Thanks for picking me up from work. I appreciate the fact that you had to go out of your way to do that for me."
To your co-worker: "You did a nice job on that project. It looks terrific!"
The Complaint
Ready? We're now at the difficult part, the meat in the middle--the negative feedback or complaint.
To your son: "I noticed that all your dirty clothes are under your bed. Would you please put those in the hamper?"
To your spouse: "I've been waiting for forty-five minutes and wondering if I told you the wrong time." (You didn't.)
To your co-worker: "I wish you had included me in the process since we were asked to do it together."
Praise
You always put the praise on the end, too. This is the top piece of bread in the sandwich. Without doing this, you run the risk of offending the person or having them not hear you at all.
To your son: "I'm so proud of you. You've come a long way."
To your spouse: "However, I really appreciate the fact that you came to get me. Thanks so much for doing that."
To your co-worker: "But you did a really nice job on it and deserve all the recognition for doing this."
Get the idea? Find a way to put this little complaint sandwich in use today. You'll feel better about yourself when you do this. Also, you'll bolster the self esteem of your listeners. Give it a try!
Put the Stick Down
January 17, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Addiction, Daily Habits
I have often told clients that goals are stars in the sky. We can use them to guide us and inspire us. When goals are used as a a stick to beat ourselves, they’re no longer useful. So, put the stick down. Stop beating yourself up. Tomorrow is a new day.
Self-destructive habits reinforce guilt and shame. A few definitions: Guilt is “Oops! I made a mistake.” Shame is “I am a mistake.” It can also include feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, helplessness, powerlessness, inferiority, and many more horrible feelings. So, let’s say that you feel guilty about your self-destructive habit or addiction and you want to give it up. You make some progress, and then you relapse.
You’re right back to square one. Starting over. This is where many of my clients start feeling guilty and ashamed. They engage in negative self-talk and feel terrible about their relapse. ("I’m doing it again. I’m so stupid. Why can’t I do it right?”) Of course, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. We all have slips. But some people get REALLY down on themselves, making it harder to bounce back. Now they’ve put extra pressure on themselves to perform. They must do it PERFECTLY. And let’s face it: no one is perfect.
So what do you do instead? You learn to forgive yourself. You learn to be gentle with yourself. Over and over and over again. When you catch yourself in the act of being hard on yourself, say something different. You could say, "It's just a mistake. We all make mistakes. I'm still a fine and worthwhile person. I choose to let this go and not be so hard on myself."
Claim your right to be human (translation: less than perfect). Put the stick down. As you move on and resolve to let go of the shame or guilt, you will value yourself more, making it easier to do better in the future.
