10 Quick Anger Management Techniques

Need some help right now? Here are some proven techniques that can help.

1.    The 72-hour letter.

Write a letter that you do not send….at least not for three days. Get your feelings out. Vent. Fume. Explode. But only on paper. This is a great stress reliever that I love. If you absolutely must send the letter, have someone else  (like your therapist, counselor, pastor, or best friend) read it first. This is often a good first step.

2.    Give yourself a “timeout.”

Go do something else. Go somewhere else. Get your mind focused on something else. Play some music you love. Give it a rest. Get some space. Do not be in the physical presence of the person who is pushing your buttons. Get away from that person. Go outside or to the grocery store and push a cart around for an hour.

3.    Resist the temptation to get wasted, drunk, or loaded.

Self-destructive habits won't help you in the long run. In most cases, these habits will make things worse. We do stupid things when we're wasted.

4.    Get some exercise.

Hard physical exercise will help the adrenaline overload that frequently occurs when we’re angry. You’ve heard the urban legend about how a little grandma lifted a heavy car to save her trapped son who was underneath the car?  That’s the adrenaline fight-flight response. We need physical activity to burn off the extra energy. People tell me that some of their best workouts occurred when they were angry. They could run faster, climb higher, lift more weights, and feel more exhausted afterward. It's good and it helps a lot.

5. Brainstorm for solutions.

If the problem is still nagging at you and you feel like you just can't let it go, write down at least three possible solutions to the problem. Go over the solutions with a third party who wants what is best for you., such as your therapist or best friend.  Read about "your legitimate rights" and talk about them with another person.

6.    Use humor.

Watch a funny movie. Read jokes. Hang out with your funny friend who always cheers you up. Get some emotional distance from the situation by making a joke about it. This is how comedians get their best material....from painful situations that they could eventually joke about.

7.    Practice relaxation skills.

Do some breathwork. Listen to a hypnosis CD. What is relaxing for you? What puts you "in the zone?" Some people may want to watch a yoga DVD and practice the deep relaxation at the end. B-R-E-A-T-H-E.

8.     Let it go.

Let it go. Don't hold a grudge. Let it go. When your mind is tempted to ruminate over the same situation, say, “Stop!” Change the subject in your mind. Holding a grudge won't help you and it certainly doesn't hurt the other person.

9.    Use “I statements.”

When describing the problem, own your part. “I feel upset when you….” Own the fact that you are angering yourself. No one else can make you feel upset, hurt, little, or insignificant without your permission. Doing this will help you to claim your power over your feelings.

10.    Talk about it later.

Express your feelings when you’re no longer angry. “Yesterday I felt disappointed when…” In this way you’ll prevent yourself from exploding, yelling, blaming, criticizing, or doing something totally irrational. When we’re no longer angry, we don’t say things like, “I’m furious….” It’s more likely to be heard by the other person when you’re saying something less frightening. People don’t become quite as defensive when you say something less toxic. So, it’s OK to say that you were disappointed or hurt or irritated. But you may not get a sympathetic response either way. So, don’t expect it.

Some of these techniques will work better for you than others. Pick and choose. One time you may need one thing; another time another thing. Practice, practice, practice. Remember that your brain's chemistry is off when you're angry. And that's not fixed overnight. So, give it some time.

When Your Kid Breaks Your Heart

For the parents who mourn their children's choices, you will have to learn to re-direct your thoughts. Whether your kid is lost in addictions or has had  self-destructive habits, you need to learn to lift yourself out of depression and anxiety.

Do you remember dreaming about your kid—even before birth? Wondering what he or she would be like? You faithfully went through all the stages of growing up with your child, tolerating tantrums, dirty diapers, spider collections, and heartaches. You did everything possible to be a good parent, attending school plays, parent-teacher conferences, play dates, and soccer matches. You spent lots of money on hobbies, activities, violin or karate lessons, the latest clothes, everything. You fell in love with this remarkable little human, knowing full well that your job one day would be to help him or her to grow wings and fly away from you.

When your child became a teen, the thought of your child going away one day didn’t seem quite so terrible. Perhaps this stage helps us to let go as our darling becomes more and more willful. I know it helped me to let go. So, what do you do when your child breaks your heart?

1.    Don’t take it personally.

It’s not about you. Your child made choices, just as you did. Perhaps your child blames you, perhaps not. At any rate, you really need to remind yourself that your child made his or her own choices.

2.    Connect with your spirituality.

Do you have a belief in a bigger picture? Some people connect through their religious practices. Spirituality for other is volunteerism, connecting with nature, or helping humankind in any way that they can. You get to define it. Talk to spiritual leaders or spiritual practitioners that you respect.

3.    What you’re feeling is normal.

You’re grieving. People typically move through stages of grieving as they heal. So whatever emotions you’re feeling—anger, frustration, sadness, depression, guilt—it’s all normal and it’s all part of the process.

4.    Detach with love.

Detaching doesn’t mean that you stop caring about your child. It means that you focus more on moving on with your life. Letting go of hopes, dreams, and expectations is painful. Yet, it's very necessary....for all of us.

5.    Find peace and joy every day.

As you move on with your life, learn how to make yourself happy. Begin by appreciating the thing that bring you even a small degree of happiness each day. What made you happy in the past? Reconnect with those things.

6.    Look for the positives.

One famous therapy assignment is called, “The Five Best Things About….” So, clients learn to focus on the five best things about having cancer, the five best things about having a son who is a drug addict, the five best things about having a daughter who is a lesbian, etc. It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? People often give me an astonished look when I give them this writing assignment. Yet, it really does work. There are glimpses of sunshine in every storm. Learn to look for those glimpses.

Oh, and talk with a therapist if you get stuck. We're here to help, you know!

Be Happier by Complaining Less

One very rainy day I met with several clients and kept track of how many complaints about the weather I heard. Twenty-four! Even the cashier in the grocery store complained about the weather. And not one complaint changed the weather. I guess that's my complaint about complaints. Complaining is not effective in creating change. Lily Tomlin tells this joke: "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines “complain” as “to express pain, grief or discontent.” And certainly there are appropriate times that you need to complain. We all have the right to express pain. And yet dozens of complaints every day can have a very negative impact on your health, your relationships, and your quality of life. Studies have shown that complaining about your health actually tends to make your health worse.

From my point of view, incessant complaining is a self-destructive habit. If you want to claim your power, feel happier, and less stressed in life, then stop complaining. Take up assertiveness instead to state the facts. For example, a simple statement of fact ("The shipment didn't arrive as scheduled.") is very different from a complaint ("You people always mess up my orders.")

Here's my advice:

1. Stop and Notice.

Notice every time you whine, judge yourself or others, make nasty comments (even in your head), or negatively vent your feelings. Just take note that you're doing it. Perhaps you can jot it down. Your complaints may be about the weather, your boss, the kids, your spouse, the flavor of the mustard in your sandwich, the crazy drivers on the road, your too tight jeans, your bad hair day, or not having enough time. Count your complaints each day.

2. Analyze for Control.

So many complaints are outside of your control. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change the situation. This would include things like the weather, the other drivers on the road, or your country's foreign policy. If that's the case, you need to let it go. If you can control it, then change it. If you can't control a situation, do you have some influence? Then use your influence in a positive way to effect some change.

3. Analyze for Effectiveness.

Then ask yourself if your complaints helped the matter.  Or did your complaints cause you to focus more on what you didn't want? In other words, is complaining effective as a strategy for getting what you want? If it is, then keep complaining. If not, learn to let go. And give yourself some time to do this. Deeply ingrained habits take some time.

4. Beware of Secondary Gain.

If you just can't give up complaining, then you may want to look at your secondary gains. This is a psychological term meaning the benefits of undesirable behavior. It implies that you're getting something out of complaining that keeps the bad habit in place. It may be personal attention, self-pity, or release from unpleasant responsibilities. You remain in a "victim consciousness." And feeling like a victim contributes to both depression and anxiety. Is that really what you want?

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."          --Maya Angelou

Copyright © 2009 Kathie Keeler, All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transferred by any print or electronic means without the express written consent of the copyright owner. Thank you!

How to Talk to Your Kids if You Did Drugs

Teenage drug abuse is a serious problem and you don't want your child to have self-destructive habits. You, in fact, did drugs yourself. You know a lot  about it and you have valuable opinions. Addiction can lead to a lot of misery. A few things to consider when talking to your kid:

1. This isn't about you.

We all want to warn our kids against the dangers of drug abuse. But the single biggest reason so many of us are reluctant to start the conversation is because we're afraid we'll be asked that uncomfortable question: "Mom, Dad...did you do drugs?" So let's start by stating the obvious: This isn't about what you did or didn't do. It's about what your child is going to do or not do. So let's talk about how your personal experiences might help steer your child in a good direction.

2. Experts disagree.

For every therapist who recommends openness and honesty about your past, another advises caution. The fact is, you can say too much. A good place to start is by considering your child.  Some kids demand candor. Others are happy just to talk. Use your judgment. You know your kids better than anyone.

3.  When to lie.

In our opinion? Never. Some parents who used drugs in the past choose not to tell the truth, but risk losing their credibility if their kids discover the real story from a talkative uncle at a family party. Many experts recommend you give an honest answer--or no answer at all.

4. The whole truth?

Try to avoid giving your child more information than she or he asked for. (No need to reveal you smoked marijuana 132 times!) This is not a courtroom; it's a conversation.

5. Say what you mean to say.

Like other important conversations you'll have with your kids, the point you're trying to make is what really matters. In this case, it's crucial your kids understand that you don't want them to use drugs. Don't beat about the bush; say so. ("I don't want you to use drugs.") Then give your reasons why. ("Drugs are dangerous, expensive, unpredictable, distracting...") And yes, it's okay to have a lot of reasons.

6. What have you learned?

Before you talk, take stock. You've lived your entire life in a culture where drugs are a fact of life. From the headlines on TV to your own experiences, you've seen too many examples of how drugs can change young lives for the worse. Your own experiences with drugs are just part of the bigger picture. The real opportunity here is to share what you've learned.

7.  You could say it like this:

"I tried drugs because some kids I knew were experimenting, and I thought I needed to try drugs to fit in. It took me a while to discover that's never a very good reason to do anything. Do you ever feel pressured like that?"

8.  Or like this:

"Everyone makes mistakes and trying drugs was a mistake I made. It made me do some dumb things. And it's hard to look back and see that I got anything good out of the experience. I love you too much to watch you repeat bad decisions I made."

9. Or even like this:

"My experience with drugs is no guarantee that yours would be the same. Drugs affect everyone differently. So I wanted to share my experiences with you, because even if drugs didn't ruin my life, I've seen them ruin other people's lives. And God forbid you should be one of those people."

10.  Don't just talk. Listen.

You can anticipate that your child's first reaction when you raise the subject of drugs will be to be quiet. So do your darndest to make it a two-way conversation. Ask what they think. Ask if it's a subject their friends talk about. Ask what they think of celebrities who use drugs. Keep asking questions. And listen to the answers.

11. Stay calm.

Whatever happens, try not to raise your voice.  If you do lose your temper, try to catch yourself. It's okay to admit that these conversations aren't easy for you, either. And if things aren't going so well, suggest talking about it again another time. ("I didn't mean to surprise you or make you feel awkward. Let's talk again in a day or two.")

12. Good luck.

Yes, it's difficult to know how to talk to your kids about drugs. You don't want them to hold your history up as some kind of a precedent to follow, or as a tool to use against you.  But you may be able to use your life experiences as a teachable moment. So even if you're nervous, don't put off having the conversation. This isn't about your past. This is about your child's future.

This article as been reprinted by permission from drugfree.org.

Prescription for Burnout–Caregiver Syndrome

Caregiver Syndrome is the name for the ongoing emotional stress and physical strain of caring for a loved one.

You may feel exhausted, fatigued, powerless, anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed.

You may have physical symptoms such as high blood pressure and a compromised immune system. Perhaps you feel sad or resentful.

There's too much to do and not enough time to do it. You're not getting enough sleep and not watching your nutrition. There are so many demands and not enough help in your life.

Who's prone to burnout?

• Those who can't say no.

• People who sacrifice themselves, putting themselves last

• Perfectionists

• Nonassertive people

• People who are impatient with themselves

• People who have difficulty setting limits with others

• People who have control issues

• People who are unwilling to confront their own fears

• People who have big hearts, who are empathetic

What do I do?

The articles on this website are designed to help you to overcome caregiver syndrome. What you really need to do is learn to take good care of yourself. That's a process, a journey. As you learn to take time for yourself, give back to yourself, you're going to get better and better.

You will need to look at your self-destructive habits--those habits that rob you of your energy, health, vitality, and well-being. If you're going to be there for others, you will need to first be there for yourself.

Claim your power. You can change things. One day at a time. Start looking at those areas of your life where you have given away your power. Assertiveness is absolutely essential if you're going to take good care of yourself.

Finding support

If you don't have enough support in your life, it's time to change things. You need support. We all need each other. Do you have family members who can be supportive of you? Make a list of extended family members who may be able to be supportive of you in one way or another.

Start connecting with others.  What do they do to get the relief that they need? Ask. Spend time with others--either in person, on the phone, or on the internet.

Good luck.

You Teach People How to Treat You

If you feel people use you, take advantage of you, or break their promises to you, then you need to make some new choices. No one wants to be victimized, but victims often don't know how to get out of their rut. They don't understand that they have taught people to treat them poorly by the poor treatment that they have accepted in the past.

I used to work for an employer who often asked me to work six or seven days a week on a very meager salary. I really needed the job because I was a single parent at the time. However, as much as I did not want to lose my job, there came a time when I needed to stand up for myself. My fear-based behavior acted as a lightning rod for my corporate bully boss. I took a big risk as I firmly but politely set limits with how often I would work overtime. Fortunately for me, he backed down.

Learn to Value Yourself

• One of the easiest ways to learn to value yourself is to learn assertiveness training. When you assert yourself, you speak your truth in a kind, calm, mature manner.
• Ask yourself, "Is this relationship a two-way street? Am I getting as much as I'm giving?" If not, time to re-think your relationships. You deserve to be treated with as much respect as what you give to others.
• Determine your boundaries. Where do you draw the line? Claim your power so that you don't feel victimized. Being a doormat is a self-destructive habit that can be changed.
• Remember that every adult relationship is voluntary. Yes, I said every relationship. You get to determine how close you want to be with your sister, parent, spouse, neighbor, or boss. To a large extent, you also determine the quality of the relationship.
• Be good to yourself. Be as kind to you as you are to others.

Becoming Your Own Best Friend

When you start treating yourself as if you are  fabulous, terrific, and wonderful, you  don't allow others to walk on you. When you start believing that you're a magnificent limited edition of one--unique in every way,  you put out a different energy in relationships.

If this is something that you can't believe right now, then becoming your own best friend is really important. Because if you feel good about yourself  then other people will treat you with respect.  Remember: we teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves.

Long-Term Goals

Focus on the long run.

It has been said that most people give up what they want in the long run for what they want in the short run. Sad, but true. A teen client says he wants to feel relaxed and fit in. So, he smokes cigarettes. His goal for the future? He wants to be healthy and physically fit.

Another client comes to family therapy to improve the family relationships. He doesn't see a problem with his workaholism--working 60 to 80 hours every week. His wife and children have a BIG problem with it.

The question often arises, how do you train yourself to focus on long-term goals? For most of us, it comes through trial and error. We have some success in a long-term goal, realize its importance, so take that leap of faith to do it again and again.

Start small.

Take one small goal. Maybe it's adding pure water to your daily routine and excluding drinks that either add unnecessary calories or do not contribute to your overall good health.

Reward yourself!

If you can keep your promise to yourself for a whole week, give yourself a positive reinforcement for sticking to your goal. Be sure to give yourself a reward that isn't self-destructive. Think in terms of small pleasures--a trip to a favorite park, a drive through an area that you love, a walk through your favorite mall, etc.

Journal your progress.

Nothing has been more rewarding to me than to meaasure my progress. This doesn't need to be difficult. Sometimes a simple check mark on your calendar is enough.

Tell someone else.

When you tell your friend or spouse or sibling about your progress, you've just added another important component of success--accountability. For nearly twenty years I had an early morning walking partner. This was very motivating to me to meet with my friend every morning (often before dawn) and walk for an hour. Try it!

Good luck in keeping your goals!

Put the Stick Down