10 Examples of Clear Boundaries

What are boundaries?

Boundaries help to create healthy relationships. Think of them as a psychological fence between people: this is you, and this is me. We are separate. Our boundaries help to establish guidelines about suitable behavior and responsibilities. Boundaries build "win-win" relationships. I can be good to both you and me through healthy boundaries. If I close the door when I enter the bathroom, I am establishing a physical and psychological boundary: Closing or locking the door means I want to be alone when I’m in the bathroom.

Boundaries are essential if your loved one is an alcoholic or addict. As you claim your power with boundaries, you raise the likelihood that your loved one gets better. Boundary setting is absolutely essential when you're dealing with addiction, particularly teenage drug abuse.

Who needs boundaries?

Everyone needs to have healthy boundaries in relationships. There are three types of people who particularly need boundaries.
1.    DOORMATS~Some people have been raised to believe that martyrdom, self-denial and incessant caretaking are righteous virtues to be practiced to the point of misery. When people are doormats, they allow others to take advantage of them.
2.   ENABLERS~Then there are parents who want to make sure their children have everything they didn't get, and they protected them from every problem and emotion. It's the other side of the coin and it's just as bad. These people create a sense of over-entitlement, over-protection and inflated self esteem in their children.
3.    PLEASERS~ Some people focus so much on pleasing others that they don’t focus on taking care of themselves. They avoid conflict, and have no sense of who they are, what they feel, need, want, or think. They take on the feelings of others as if they are their own. Sometimes they tolerate abuse or disrespectful treatment and can’t see the flaws or weaknesses in others.

Why have boundaries?

·    Boundaries are important to help protect and care for oneself. If you’re not getting the respect that you deserve, take a look at your boundaries.
·    Boundaries are also an important part of raising children. You can’t be a good parent without good boundaries. Not only do you value yourself as you establish boundaries, you're teaching your children to value themselves.
·    Boundaries help you to define yourself. Without boundaries, you won’t know who you are, what you want, or how you feel.
·    Boundaries help to minimize stress and conflict in a relationship. With clear boundaries, there’s nothing to argue about.

Telltale signs that you need better boundaries

·    You’re constantly telling him what to do.
·    You’re warning him about what will happen if he doesn’t do it.
·    You’re bringing up the past of what he did wrong.
·    You’re giving him solutions when he hasn’t asked for them.
·    You’re preaching about what people should and shouldn’t do.
·    You’re criticizing.
·    You’re mind-reading.
·    You’re sending guilt trips.

How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries involves taking care of yourself and knowing what you like, need, want, and don’t want. It also involves (1) going inside of yourself to figure out what you feel and then (2) clearly communicating that with the other person.

Examples of clear boundaries:

1.    “Yes, I’ll be happy to drive you to the mall as soon as you’re finished with your chores.”
2.    “I want to hear about your day. I’ll be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes."
3.    “You can borrow my CDs just as soon as you replace the one that you damaged.”
4.    “If you put your dirty clothes in the hamper by 9:00 Saturday morning, I’ll be happy to wash them for you.”
5.    “Can I give Jessica a message? Our calling hours are from 9:00 a.m. until 9:00 p.m. I’ll let her know that you called.”
6.    “I’m sorry; that doesn’t work for me.  I won’t be loaning you money until you have paid me what I loaned you previously.”
7.    “You’re welcome to live here while you’re going to college as long as you follow our rules.”
8.    “I’m not willing to argue with you.”
9.    “I’ll be happy to talk with you when your voice is as calm as mine.”
10.    “I love you and I’m not willing to call in sick for you when you’ve been drinking.”

Get help.

Boundaries need to be clear, specific, and clearly communicated. You may need to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it before doing so. Practice with someone else who can help you. Good luck!

The Complaint Sandwich

Rather than feeling resentments about someone, rather than nagging or yelling, learn to deliver bad news in a complaint sandwich. If you have a parent, a child, a friend, or co-worker, you have probably run into situations where you've had a complaint or criticism about them. This is where a lot of people feel anxiety. You need to deliver some bad news, negative feedback, or *helpful* advice. This is a part of assertiveness training--expressing a complaint. If you really want the other person to listen to what you have to say, you ought to package it in a complaint sandwich. You'll want to eliminate the possibility of feeling guilt about the conversation later, so practice what you have to say before you say it. Here's how it works.

Praise

The bottom piece of bread is what you like or admire. Examples:

To your son: "I liked the way that you picked up all your toys and put them in the toy chest. Thanks for doing that."

To your spouse: "Thanks for picking me up from work. I appreciate the fact that you had to go out of your way to do that for me."

To your co-worker: "You did a nice job on that project. It looks terrific!"

The Complaint

Ready? We're now at the difficult part, the meat in the middle--the negative feedback or complaint.

To your son: "I noticed that all your dirty clothes are under your bed. Would you please put those in the hamper?"

To your spouse: "I've been waiting for forty-five minutes and wondering if I told you the wrong time." (You didn't.)

To your co-worker: "I wish you had included me in the process since we were asked to do it together."

Praise

You always put the praise on the end, too. This is the top piece of bread in the sandwich. Without doing this, you run the risk of offending the person or having them not hear you at all.

To your son: "I'm so proud of you. You've come a long way."

To your spouse: "However, I really appreciate the fact that you came to get me. Thanks so much for doing that."

To your co-worker: "But you did a really nice job on it and deserve all the recognition for doing this."

Get the idea? Find a way to put this little complaint sandwich in use today. You'll feel better about yourself when you do this. Also, you'll bolster the self esteem of your listeners. Give it a try!

Anxiety–The Traits That Keep You Stuck

People who are prone to anxiety tend to share certain personality traits. Some of these traits are positive--such as empathetic, sensitive, creative, intuitive, and amiable. These are the traits that endear these people to their friends and relatives.

Other traits tend to aggravate anxiety and interfere with relationships. These traits are:

• Perfectionism
• An excessive need for control
• A tendency to ignore the signs of stress
• An excessive need for approval

Let's look at these traits more closely. Perhaps you can start to identify, work with, and change these traits that provoke your anxiety.

Perfectionism

Perhaps you're overly concerned with small flaws and mistakes in yourself and/or others. You may have expectations about yourself, others, and life that are just unrealistically high. When anything falls short of those expectations, you feel disappointed and perhaps become critical. Nothing is ever good enough. And you perhaps drive yourself to the point of stress, exhaustion, and even burnout. Your self esteem suffers. You don't value yourself.

Tips for Perfectionists:

• Recognize your thinking errors. Are you using the words "should, must, ought, have to, or got to" in your thoughts (e.g., "I should be able to do this." "I must not make a mistake."
• Let go of the idea that your worth is determined by your accomplishments. You're not a human doing, you're a human being.
• Stop magnifiying the importance of small errors. We all make them. Let it go!
• Focus on what's right. A positive point of view can really help in this area.
• Make your goals realistic.

The Need to Control

You want life to be predictable. This is the opposite of faith; trusting the process of life. And you probably have very good reasons for not trusting the flow of life. But, if you want to eliminate anxiety and be more happy, you're going to have to let go of this need to control.

Tips for Control Freaks:

Here are some practical strategies that can work for you. Keep in mind that the cultivation of these strategies take time.

• Cultivate patience. When I'm in a hurry, out shopping and in a long line, I use this silent affirmation: "I'm practicing my patience virtue." For me, this is a good time to check the voice mail on my cell phone, read a magazine, tell myself positive thoughts, and perhaps think about what I'm going to prepare for dinner.
• Trusting that most problems eventually work themselves out. We don't know what the future holds for us, so it's best to choose to trust life.
• Acceptance. This is big. A sense of humor will help with this. Very often things don't go our way. And that's OK. (By the way, those are the precise words that I tell myself--"That's OK.") If you have the irrational belief that things ought to be a certain way, you're in trouble. You're swimming against the current of life, and you're going to get hurt. Learn to go with the flow and accept things the way they are.
• Developing your spirituality. In AA, we talk about "Let go, and let God." Learning to trust a power higher than yourself can help in this area. Another way that spirituality can help is learning to trust that there is a larger purpose in life beyond what we can see. Things happen for a reason, although we may not know why they happen.

Ignoring the Signs of Stress

Many people with anxiety disorders have a long history of ignoring the physical and psychological signs of stress. They push themselves unreasonably, and it eventually catches up with them. Are you ignoring tension in your muscles (jaw, shoulders, forehead), upset in your stomach (bowels included), or fatigue? Are you sleeping enough? Do you have mood swings? Do you feel overwhelmed?

Tips for Noticing the Signs of Stress:

Get in touch with your body. It may have some message to give to you.

• Breathwork can be very helpful. Go to the related article on this web site and read how to do this.
• Relaxation Techniques that can help include meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, bodywork, and massage. See the related articles at the bottom of this page.
• Assertiveness training can be very helpful.
• Develop your sense of humor. Watch funny movies, read funny jokes and books, laugh and have fun!

The Need for Approval

Yes, we all need approval. But the person with anxiety seems to have an excessive need for approval. If you're overly concerned with approval, you will need to address your inner sense of feeling unworthy or somehow flawed. You may be the ultimate pleaser.

Tips for Pleasers:

• Look at the thinking errors that lead to an excessive need for approval. They could be as unrealistic as "If people really knew me, they wouldn't like me." to "If someone doesn't seem friendly to me, it's because I did something wrong."
• Learn to look at criticism objectively. My mother always said, "First consider the source." Do you value that person's opinion? Is this person qualified to make an objective criticism of your work, your skills, your traits? If so, ask for specific details. Decide whether or not it has validity, then decide if it's a good opportunity for you to learn something new.
• Recognize your codependency. And then let it go. A need to be needed can only cause you sorrow. Learn to shift the focus to yourself rather than always having a focus on others.

As you can probably tell, addressing these four traits is a process, a journey of self discovery. This journey will go a bit faster if you do it with a therapist.