Stress Relief

I was looking at my list of things to do yesterday wondering how I was going to get everything done. Sometimes I do more than what I can reasonably handle. And I know I'm not alone in feeling the stresses and pressures of daily life. Every day in counseling I see people who are stressed, anxious, nervous, pressured, and burned out. Life can certainly be stressful for all of us.

Slow down and relax for a moment.

We are all seeking solutions to problems in life.  But it's important to take the time to recognize stress and the body’s need to relax, even if the pace in your life is not slowing down. Guided meditations and breathing techniques can help give you simple ways to relax, even if for just a few quick minutes in the middle of a busy day.

Count your breaths.

The easiest way to start off when practicing guided relaxation is to count your breaths as you inhale and exhale. You don't need to do a lot. Start with five.  After all, our lives are busy.  Breathwork that involves inhaling through your nose as deeply as you can, will help your body start to relax. Hold this breath and then let it out slowly through your nose. Your heart rate will start to slow down and your muscles will start to relax. When learning relaxation meditation, remember to have a focus for the meditation, such as on your breathing.

Recognize and dismiss thoughts.

During relaxation meditation, all kinds of thoughts will come to mind. As you learn to recognize these thoughts and then dismiss them, your meditation will go deeper.  This is one of the main reasons why you will want to choose a quiet place for meditation where you will not be interrupted by the normal sounds of your life when you are teaching yourself how to to do this. Meditation for beginners can be frustrating when you can’t seem to get it right the first time. Just hang in there.

Stay focused on your breathing.

The key is to stay focused on meditating and to focus on your breathing techniques. The thoughts of frustration are ones that can take over and ruin relaxation methods for you. One great practice in meditation for beginners learning how to relax is to concentrate on the parts of the body. Start with your toes and focus on them as you feel them relax. Then move upward concentrating for a few minutes on each body part and how it relaxes. As you get to your head, your body will be completely relaxed. Ahhhhhh. It feels so good.

If meditation is not for you, don't worry.

The reason I like using The Wild Divine, a biofeedback tool designed to aid in the learning of relaxation and meditation, is because it's easy to sit at the computer and watch "a video game." (It's really not a video game, but it looks like one.) I find The Wild Divine works well with beginners, children, and people who suffer from anxiety. So, if the breathing and meditation techniques aren't helpful for you, use The Wild Divine instead. Biofeedback is a simple, but powerful tool that helps you to communicate with your body. You'll wear finger cuffs which measure your skin temperature and allows you to move through levels of the games. You can watch the demo below and see what I mean. Be well.

10 Quick Anger Management Techniques

Need some help right now? Here are some proven techniques that can help.

1.    The 72-hour letter.

Write a letter that you do not send….at least not for three days. Get your feelings out. Vent. Fume. Explode. But only on paper. This is a great stress reliever that I love. If you absolutely must send the letter, have someone else  (like your therapist, counselor, pastor, or best friend) read it first. This is often a good first step.

2.    Give yourself a “timeout.”

Go do something else. Go somewhere else. Get your mind focused on something else. Play some music you love. Give it a rest. Get some space. Do not be in the physical presence of the person who is pushing your buttons. Get away from that person. Go outside or to the grocery store and push a cart around for an hour.

3.    Resist the temptation to get wasted, drunk, or loaded.

Self-destructive habits won't help you in the long run. In most cases, these habits will make things worse. We do stupid things when we're wasted.

4.    Get some exercise.

Hard physical exercise will help the adrenaline overload that frequently occurs when we’re angry. You’ve heard the urban legend about how a little grandma lifted a heavy car to save her trapped son who was underneath the car?  That’s the adrenaline fight-flight response. We need physical activity to burn off the extra energy. People tell me that some of their best workouts occurred when they were angry. They could run faster, climb higher, lift more weights, and feel more exhausted afterward. It's good and it helps a lot.

5. Brainstorm for solutions.

If the problem is still nagging at you and you feel like you just can't let it go, write down at least three possible solutions to the problem. Go over the solutions with a third party who wants what is best for you., such as your therapist or best friend.  Read about "your legitimate rights" and talk about them with another person.

6.    Use humor.

Watch a funny movie. Read jokes. Hang out with your funny friend who always cheers you up. Get some emotional distance from the situation by making a joke about it. This is how comedians get their best material....from painful situations that they could eventually joke about.

7.    Practice relaxation skills.

Do some breathwork. Listen to a hypnosis CD. What is relaxing for you? What puts you "in the zone?" Some people may want to watch a yoga DVD and practice the deep relaxation at the end. B-R-E-A-T-H-E.

8.     Let it go.

Let it go. Don't hold a grudge. Let it go. When your mind is tempted to ruminate over the same situation, say, “Stop!” Change the subject in your mind. Holding a grudge won't help you and it certainly doesn't hurt the other person.

9.    Use “I statements.”

When describing the problem, own your part. “I feel upset when you….” Own the fact that you are angering yourself. No one else can make you feel upset, hurt, little, or insignificant without your permission. Doing this will help you to claim your power over your feelings.

10.    Talk about it later.

Express your feelings when you’re no longer angry. “Yesterday I felt disappointed when…” In this way you’ll prevent yourself from exploding, yelling, blaming, criticizing, or doing something totally irrational. When we’re no longer angry, we don’t say things like, “I’m furious….” It’s more likely to be heard by the other person when you’re saying something less frightening. People don’t become quite as defensive when you say something less toxic. So, it’s OK to say that you were disappointed or hurt or irritated. But you may not get a sympathetic response either way. So, don’t expect it.

Some of these techniques will work better for you than others. Pick and choose. One time you may need one thing; another time another thing. Practice, practice, practice. Remember that your brain's chemistry is off when you're angry. And that's not fixed overnight. So, give it some time.

Three Things I Admire

My good friend and colleague, Carolyn, died today. I’ve thought about all the things that I’ve learned from her over the years. I’m so grateful for the things that she taught me. Here are my top three things that I admire about Carolyn:

1.    Our Wound is Our Gift.

Carolyn really understood that our "wound" is our gift. The greater our struggles and challenges, the more we have to give to others when we learn the lessons that those challenges provided. We become inspirations and models as well as teachers and guides. We are not here just for ourselves, but for something much greater.

She was an alcoholic who relapsed a number of times over a period of thirty years. She had a necklace made of dozens of 30-day chips from Alcoholics Anonymous. (Chips are the little circular pieces of plastic that you receive at an AA meeting when you’ve had thirty days of sobriety.) She became a drug and alcohol counselor because she REALLY understood addictions. And she helped thousands of alcoholics and addicts. She was loved by everyone. And she knew that she was no better than anyone else because of her wound.

2.    A Positive Attitude is a Choice.

I really admired Carolyn’s joie de vivre. Even as she was dying, she joked and laughed with us. She knew how to handle the stress. She wasn’t about to suddenly become depressed about dying. I can’t remember a time when Carolyn wasn’t excited about life. I believe she was able to be so happy because she worked on having a positive attitude and was fully present. She didn’t have a negative story running through her mind, like, “This is just awful.” She could always put a positive spin on any event that appeared to be negative.

3.    It's Not About the Money.

Even though Carolyn lived on social security, she was rich. She didn’t have money, but she was rich in friendships, rich in laughter, rich with stories, rich in experiences. She placed little value on money and lots of value on what really counts in life. We will miss her.

A Brief History of Transcendental Meditation

Transcendental meditation is a relatively new form of meditating in comparison with Yoga and Buddhist meditation. It was developed by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in 1957 as a way of developing the mind so that a person can rise above, or “transcend”, beyond the noise and stress of daily life. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi was a student of the famous Hindu Guru, Swami Brahmananda Saraswati. From 1958 onwards, he travelled the world teaching his spiritual regeneration and enlightenment.

Transcendental meditation had its beginnings in the Far East and then spread to the western world. After three years of travelling and teaching, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi realized that he needed to train his followers so that they could spread this form of meditation even further.

The first international training course was held in Rishikesh, India in 1961. As more and more people all over the world realized the benefits of this form of meditation, scientists began researching it and by 1970 the first scientific papers were published espousing the technique. Since then there have been hundreds of such documents published, all of which show that transcendental meditation:

• helps to reduce the stress levels in the body leading to overall good health
• helps to reduce anxiety
• helps to increase a person’s creativity
• helps to heighten the intelligence level of the meditator
• brings about self-realization
• could actually help you to live longer

Transcendental meditation does not have any religious affiliation, but it did have a political association in the Natural Law Party. This political party was formed in 1992 with the goal of using the principles of the meditation as a way of finding ways to solve the problems of society – crime, injustice, economics and environmental issues.

A basic transcendental meditation courses are generally expensive and in spite of the high cost, an estimated five million people all over the world have taken these courses. There are also advanced courses available for extra costs. This process of meditation is relatively easy to learn in the seven-step procedure used in the four days of the course. Each day begins with a two hour lecture and the instruction starts with a ceremony performed by the instructor after which the students learn the technique and start practicing.

The principle behind the technique of transcendental meditation is that the source of all thoughts is the deepest level of the subconscious and is far beyond what the normal senses can experience.  In this meditation, the practitioner takes one thought or sound and focuses on this so that it can be experienced in the deepest possible way.

The Maharishi compared it to a bubble of water that starts deep in the water and is only visible when it reaches the surface. He said that our thoughts are the same way – they start in the subconscious and rise to the conscious level of the mind.

In January, 2008, the Maharishi retired as the chairman of the transcendental meditation organization. He passed away the following month in Vlodrop, Netherlands, where he had lived for almost 20 years, coordinating his centers of teaching through an organization known as the Global Country of World Peace.

Perspective–Tools for Tough Times

If you stand high on a mountaintop looking down at the valley below, you have a unique perspective. You can see a bigger picture. Sometimes we need to step back and search for a bigger picture in life. The view is different.

We may not have the same perspective when the crisis has passed. If you're anything like me, you can look back on a past crisis and wonder why you got so upset about it at the time. Because things changed, as they always do.

When you're looking at alternatives, you will often find things you wouldn't have seen had you not been forced to look.

For example, a client of mine was laid off from his job.  He found that he had some marketable skills which he could now focus on full time. It turned out that the crisis was actually an opportunity for growth for him. Here are some practical tips for you to take a bigger perspective during challenging times.

• Be flexible in your thinking. Keep your mind open. It will help you to see the diamond in the pile of coal.

• This too shall pass. There's an ebb and flow to life.  Sometimes life is great; sometimes it's not. Knowing that you've survived rough times before should give you some hope that you can do it again.

• Choose optimism. Decide right now that you're going to see the glass half full, not half empty. Look for the positive in every crisis. It's there. But it may take some looking.

• List the tasks that need to be done. For example, if there has been a death in the family, there may be a lot of things to do. As you start listing those things (call relatives and friends, arrange for the funeral, write an obituary, etc.) you can then see what needs to be done, and what is less important. Number the high priority items by importance.

• Let go of what's not important. As you work with your list of tasks, start eliminating the things that aren't high priority. Let them go.

• Let go of what you can't control. There are certain things in every crisis that you just can't control.  The trick is to identify and then let go of those things.

• Ask the experts. If you have a financial crisis, talk to a financial expert. If it's a legal problem, talk to an attorney. People often forget this important tool.

• Ask yourself, "What am I learning through this crisis?" Write it down. The lessons that we learn in life can help us through the next difficulty.

• Tune into your faith. A lot of people smarter than me have said that we can choose fear or we can choose  faith. What if you absolutely knew that you would be able to find some higher purpose in the crisis that you're going through. Would it make a difference? When pressed, most people can identify the higher purpose from previous rough times. If you choose faith that there is, in fact, some higher purpose for your challenge, would you fight against it so much?

Stop Worrying–A Dozen Practical Tips

Here are some of my favorite tips to eliminate worry, stress,  and anxiety from your life.

Worry is nothing more than a bad habit. And habits can be changed.

Worry Time.

Establish a 10 to 20-minute period of time to list all your worries every morning at the same exact time. This should be before noon every day.

• If you start worrying during the day (other than worry time), yell "STOP! and save your worries for tomorrow. During that time write down all your worries.  At the end of your worry time for the day spend a few minutes planning more realistically for the future.

• Recognize and eliminate “what if” statements. If you hear yourself thinking “what if,” you’re on the road to worry.

• When you hear yourself saying or thinking worrisome thoughts, imagine a stop sign. Say to yourself, “STOP!” Say instead, “I’m OK.”

• Distract yourself with something else.

• Talk to a therapist or trusted friend who can help you to dispute your thoughts.

• Write down your negative thoughts. Examine them for truth.

• Avoid the overthinking trap. Stop focusing on the minutiae of a situation. Let it go!

• Ask yourself, "What's the worst thing that can happen?" Then confront that worst thing by asking yourself, "And then what?" Continue asking these same two questions.

• Ask yourself whether what you are worrying about will really matter in a year's time. If the answer is "yes," then focus your thinking on what you can learn from the experience.

• Take action in solving the problem. Every small step that you take to solve the problem will be a step toward greater well-being.

• Examine your beliefs that cause problems. Question those beliefs.

• Learn to visualize positive outcomes rather than predicting negative outcomes for events. Become an optimist!

What Does it Mean to Take Good Care of Yourself?

What does it mean to take good care of yourself? From my point of view it can mean all of these things:

• Putting yourself first sometimes

• Enforcing healthy boundaries between yourself and others

• Taking the time to nourish your soul--doing what you love

• Taking the time to nourish your body--with healthy foods

• Taking the time for relaxation techniques to reduce stress

• Claiming your power. If you claim your power, you speak up for yourself in a kind, but firm way

• Taking the time to exercise

• Loving yourself enough to address self-destructive habits

Although these are common sense things, we often have to train ourselves to do these things in our adult life. I have found that I tend to do better if I keep a journal of what I'm doing to take good care of myself. It helps me to be more self-aware. This whole web site is dedicated to helping you to take better care of yourself. Remember, it's a journey, a process, not a destination.

Prescription for Burnout–Caregiver Syndrome

Caregiver Syndrome is the name for the ongoing emotional stress and physical strain of caring for a loved one.

You may feel exhausted, fatigued, powerless, anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed.

You may have physical symptoms such as high blood pressure and a compromised immune system. Perhaps you feel sad or resentful.

There's too much to do and not enough time to do it. You're not getting enough sleep and not watching your nutrition. There are so many demands and not enough help in your life.

Who's prone to burnout?

• Those who can't say no.

• People who sacrifice themselves, putting themselves last

• Perfectionists

• Nonassertive people

• People who are impatient with themselves

• People who have difficulty setting limits with others

• People who have control issues

• People who are unwilling to confront their own fears

• People who have big hearts, who are empathetic

What do I do?

The articles on this website are designed to help you to overcome caregiver syndrome. What you really need to do is learn to take good care of yourself. That's a process, a journey. As you learn to take time for yourself, give back to yourself, you're going to get better and better.

You will need to look at your self-destructive habits--those habits that rob you of your energy, health, vitality, and well-being. If you're going to be there for others, you will need to first be there for yourself.

Claim your power. You can change things. One day at a time. Start looking at those areas of your life where you have given away your power. Assertiveness is absolutely essential if you're going to take good care of yourself.

Finding support

If you don't have enough support in your life, it's time to change things. You need support. We all need each other. Do you have family members who can be supportive of you? Make a list of extended family members who may be able to be supportive of you in one way or another.

Start connecting with others.  What do they do to get the relief that they need? Ask. Spend time with others--either in person, on the phone, or on the internet.

Good luck.

Asking for Change

This "asking for change" script can be helpful for couples, families, and employers. It's a standard technique that is used in assertiveness training, anger management, and family counseling. What changes do you want the other person to make? Be very specific. Tell the other person how you feel about the behavior in question. Name the specific changes that you would like to see. Also, think about what you might need to change in your own behavior to help the other person. Claim your power and reduce the stress in your life by practicing this script often.
 

Script

When you__________________________________________

I feel ______________________________________________(mad, sad, bad, glad, scared, disappointed, hurt, frustrated, embarrassed, etc.)

I wish (or I want)________________________________________

If you can do that, I will____________________________________.

Rules

1. While Person A talks, Person B listens.
2. Person B can ask for clarification, take notes, or ask Person A to repeat the request. But Person B cannot interrupt Person A.
3. When Person A finishes, Person B should summarize the message (leaving nothing out) and then say, "Did I get it right?"
4. Person A says yes or no. If person A says no, then clarification is in order.

Examples

"When you yell at me, I feel hurt and angry. I wish you would speak quietly to me. If you can do that, I will listen and respond to you."

"When you leave the house without telling me where you are going, I feel disappointed and scared. I want you to tell me where you are going. If you can do that,  I will not insist that you come back in an hour."

"When you don't go to school, I feel irritated. I wish you would take school seriously and go every day. If you can do that, I will allow you more freedom on the weekends."

See how easy it is? Give it a try!

Anxiety–The Traits That Keep You Stuck

People who are prone to anxiety tend to share certain personality traits. Some of these traits are positive--such as empathetic, sensitive, creative, intuitive, and amiable. These are the traits that endear these people to their friends and relatives.

Other traits tend to aggravate anxiety and interfere with relationships. These traits are:

• Perfectionism
• An excessive need for control
• A tendency to ignore the signs of stress
• An excessive need for approval

Let's look at these traits more closely. Perhaps you can start to identify, work with, and change these traits that provoke your anxiety.

Perfectionism

Perhaps you're overly concerned with small flaws and mistakes in yourself and/or others. You may have expectations about yourself, others, and life that are just unrealistically high. When anything falls short of those expectations, you feel disappointed and perhaps become critical. Nothing is ever good enough. And you perhaps drive yourself to the point of stress, exhaustion, and even burnout. Your self esteem suffers. You don't value yourself.

Tips for Perfectionists:

• Recognize your thinking errors. Are you using the words "should, must, ought, have to, or got to" in your thoughts (e.g., "I should be able to do this." "I must not make a mistake."
• Let go of the idea that your worth is determined by your accomplishments. You're not a human doing, you're a human being.
• Stop magnifiying the importance of small errors. We all make them. Let it go!
• Focus on what's right. A positive point of view can really help in this area.
• Make your goals realistic.

The Need to Control

You want life to be predictable. This is the opposite of faith; trusting the process of life. And you probably have very good reasons for not trusting the flow of life. But, if you want to eliminate anxiety and be more happy, you're going to have to let go of this need to control.

Tips for Control Freaks:

Here are some practical strategies that can work for you. Keep in mind that the cultivation of these strategies take time.

• Cultivate patience. When I'm in a hurry, out shopping and in a long line, I use this silent affirmation: "I'm practicing my patience virtue." For me, this is a good time to check the voice mail on my cell phone, read a magazine, tell myself positive thoughts, and perhaps think about what I'm going to prepare for dinner.
• Trusting that most problems eventually work themselves out. We don't know what the future holds for us, so it's best to choose to trust life.
• Acceptance. This is big. A sense of humor will help with this. Very often things don't go our way. And that's OK. (By the way, those are the precise words that I tell myself--"That's OK.") If you have the irrational belief that things ought to be a certain way, you're in trouble. You're swimming against the current of life, and you're going to get hurt. Learn to go with the flow and accept things the way they are.
• Developing your spirituality. In AA, we talk about "Let go, and let God." Learning to trust a power higher than yourself can help in this area. Another way that spirituality can help is learning to trust that there is a larger purpose in life beyond what we can see. Things happen for a reason, although we may not know why they happen.

Ignoring the Signs of Stress

Many people with anxiety disorders have a long history of ignoring the physical and psychological signs of stress. They push themselves unreasonably, and it eventually catches up with them. Are you ignoring tension in your muscles (jaw, shoulders, forehead), upset in your stomach (bowels included), or fatigue? Are you sleeping enough? Do you have mood swings? Do you feel overwhelmed?

Tips for Noticing the Signs of Stress:

Get in touch with your body. It may have some message to give to you.

• Breathwork can be very helpful. Go to the related article on this web site and read how to do this.
• Relaxation Techniques that can help include meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, bodywork, and massage. See the related articles at the bottom of this page.
• Assertiveness training can be very helpful.
• Develop your sense of humor. Watch funny movies, read funny jokes and books, laugh and have fun!

The Need for Approval

Yes, we all need approval. But the person with anxiety seems to have an excessive need for approval. If you're overly concerned with approval, you will need to address your inner sense of feeling unworthy or somehow flawed. You may be the ultimate pleaser.

Tips for Pleasers:

• Look at the thinking errors that lead to an excessive need for approval. They could be as unrealistic as "If people really knew me, they wouldn't like me." to "If someone doesn't seem friendly to me, it's because I did something wrong."
• Learn to look at criticism objectively. My mother always said, "First consider the source." Do you value that person's opinion? Is this person qualified to make an objective criticism of your work, your skills, your traits? If so, ask for specific details. Decide whether or not it has validity, then decide if it's a good opportunity for you to learn something new.
• Recognize your codependency. And then let it go. A need to be needed can only cause you sorrow. Learn to shift the focus to yourself rather than always having a focus on others.

As you can probably tell, addressing these four traits is a process, a journey of self discovery. This journey will go a bit faster if you do it with a therapist.

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