10 Quick Anger Management Techniques
September 26, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Addiction
Need some help right now? Here are some proven techniques that can help.
1. The 72-hour letter.
Write a letter that you do not send….at least not for three days. Get your feelings out. Vent. Fume. Explode. But only on paper. This is a great stress reliever that I love. If you absolutely must send the letter, have someone else (like your therapist, counselor, pastor, or best friend) read it first. This is often a good first step.
2. Give yourself a “timeout.”
Go do something else. Go somewhere else. Get your mind focused on something else. Play some music you love. Give it a rest. Get some space. Do not be in the physical presence of the person who is pushing your buttons. Get away from that person. Go outside or to the grocery store and push a cart around for an hour.
3. Resist the temptation to get wasted, drunk, or loaded.
Self-destructive habits won't help you in the long run. In most cases, these habits will make things worse. We do stupid things when we're wasted.
4. Get some exercise.
Hard physical exercise will help the adrenaline overload that frequently occurs when we’re angry. You’ve heard the urban legend about how a little grandma lifted a heavy car to save her trapped son who was underneath the car? That’s the adrenaline fight-flight response. We need physical activity to burn off the extra energy. People tell me that some of their best workouts occurred when they were angry. They could run faster, climb higher, lift more weights, and feel more exhausted afterward. It's good and it helps a lot.
5. Brainstorm for solutions.
If the problem is still nagging at you and you feel like you just can't let it go, write down at least three possible solutions to the problem. Go over the solutions with a third party who wants what is best for you., such as your therapist or best friend. Read about "your legitimate rights" and talk about them with another person.
6. Use humor.
Watch a funny movie. Read jokes. Hang out with your funny friend who always cheers you up. Get some emotional distance from the situation by making a joke about it. This is how comedians get their best material....from painful situations that they could eventually joke about.
7. Practice relaxation skills.
Do some breathwork. Listen to a hypnosis CD. What is relaxing for you? What puts you "in the zone?" Some people may want to watch a yoga DVD and practice the deep relaxation at the end. B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
8. Let it go.
Let it go. Don't hold a grudge. Let it go. When your mind is tempted to ruminate over the same situation, say, “Stop!” Change the subject in your mind. Holding a grudge won't help you and it certainly doesn't hurt the other person.
9. Use “I statements.”
When describing the problem, own your part. “I feel upset when you….” Own the fact that you are angering yourself. No one else can make you feel upset, hurt, little, or insignificant without your permission. Doing this will help you to claim your power over your feelings.
10. Talk about it later.
Express your feelings when you’re no longer angry. “Yesterday I felt disappointed when…” In this way you’ll prevent yourself from exploding, yelling, blaming, criticizing, or doing something totally irrational. When we’re no longer angry, we don’t say things like, “I’m furious….” It’s more likely to be heard by the other person when you’re saying something less frightening. People don’t become quite as defensive when you say something less toxic. So, it’s OK to say that you were disappointed or hurt or irritated. But you may not get a sympathetic response either way. So, don’t expect it.
Some of these techniques will work better for you than others. Pick and choose. One time you may need one thing; another time another thing. Practice, practice, practice. Remember that your brain's chemistry is off when you're angry. And that's not fixed overnight. So, give it some time.
Your Legitimate Rights
January 31, 2009 by Kathie Keeler
Filed under Daily Habits
This is basic, but important. You have legitimate rights just because you exist. So many obstacles to change begin right here. For example, your relative says that you're being selfish by focusing on changing yourself. It takes time. You're learning about the change process, so perhaps you're not serving others as much as you used to a week ago. And that's OK. It's time to claim your power and value yourself more. You have rights!
When I worked inpatient at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in Utah, we had the patients decide where they were from the following two lists. This is taken from The Stress & Relaxation Workbook by Martha Davis PhD et al, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA. Circle the beliefs that you have by how you behave.
Mistaken Traditional Assumptions
You did not have as much choice about which traditional assumptions you were taught as a child. Now, however, you have the option of deciding whether to continue behaving according to assumptions that keep you from being an assertive adult. Each of these mistaken assumptions violates one of your legitimate rights as an adult:
- It is selfish to put your needs before others' needs.
- It is shameful to make mistakes. You should have an appropriate response for every occasion.
- If you can't convince others that your feelings are reasonable, then they must be wrong, or maybe you are going crazy.
- You should respect the views of others, especially if they are in a position of authority. Keep your differences of opinion to yourself. Listen and learn
- You should always try to be logical and consistent.
- You should be flexible and adjust. Others have good reasons for their actions and it's not polite to question them.
- You should never interrupt people. Asking questions reveals your stupidity to others.
- Don't rock the boat.
- You shouldn't take up others' valuable time with your problems.
- People don't want to hear that you feel bad, so keep it to yourself.
- When someone takes the time to give you advice, you should take it very seriously. They are often right.
- Knowing that you did something well is its own reward. People don't like show-offs. Successful people are secretly disliked and envied. Be modest when complimented.
- You should always try to accommodate others. If you don't, they won't be there when you need them.
- Don't be anti-social. People are going to think you don't like them if you say you'd rather be alone instead of with them.
- You should always have a good reason for what you feel and do.
- When someone is in trouble, you should help them.
- You should be sensitive to the needs and wishes of others, even when they are unable to tell you what they want.
- It's not nice to put people off. If questioned, give an answer
Your Legitimate Rights
- You have the right to put yourself first sometimes.
- You have the right to make mistakes.
- You have the right to be the final judge of your feelings and accept them as legitimate.
- You have the right to have your own opinions and convictions.
- You have the right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action.
- You have a right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
- You have a right to interrupt in order to ask for clarification.
- You have a right to negotiate for change.
- You have a right to ask for help or emotional support.
- You have a right to feel and express pain.
- You have a right to ignore the advice of others.
- You have a right to receive formal recognition for your work and achievements.
- You have a right to say "no."
- You have a right to be alone, even if others would prefer your company.
- You have a right not to have to justify yourself to others.
- You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else's problem.
- You have a right not to have to anticipate others' needs and wishes.
- You have a right not to always worry about the goodwill of others.
- You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.
If you're like most people, your behavior reflects some mistaken traditional assumptions. The more that you can start living your legitimate rights, the more likely it is that you will allow yourself to make important changes in your life that will affect every other area of your life. You will value yourself more and become a better person in the process.
